The
Side
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go,
because, man, they're gone.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
expect it.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give
me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator,
I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be
having
sex.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography
and the dancers hit each other.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't
we all be brothers?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some
sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him
real quick
and hand it to him.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye
contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting
there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks
out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess
that's like
a regular window.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor
people, like
I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger
toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it
had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had
whittled off
the paint.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading
a magazine.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I
think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the
vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about
adopting
the vulture.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they
believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and
while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then
put it
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what
to tell
you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't
run
with a wooden stake.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why
not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody
got
scared.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because
then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
If by some occurence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower,
Just let
yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try
to catch
you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"
Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It
has more
feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!
If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up
behind his
back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!"
The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they
probably
have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the emergency
break?