The Side

You Migt Be a Star Wars Fan if...

* you have ever tried to talk your way out of a traffic violation by explaining that some stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, nerf herder (in a similar model transport) stole your transponder codes and, aside from how it must look, that vehicle in the picture is NOT yours.

* your beat up old hot rod is NOT a "piece of junk", "may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts" and is "the ship that made the kessel run in less than twelve parsecs"

* your hot rod has "a few tricks up her sleeve" and some special modifications you made yourself

* these special modifications always fail at the dramatically appropriate moment

* they always told you they fixed it

* you have been known to pull out to pass on the interstate while yelling "punch it, Chewie!"

* your radar detector goes crazy and you request that everyone in the car "pick up your visual scanning"

* you spot on-coming highway patrolmen and announce to everyone in the vehicle, "here they come!"

* a rock takes out your windshield and you announce that "we've lost our bridge deflector shields!"

* you drive into a construction zone and your girlfriend says, "you're not actually going IN to an astroid field?!"

* you reply, "watch your mouth kid, or you'll find yourself floating home"

* you've ever climbed into a small foreign car, commented on its total lack of interior space and been told, "no, i don't think they had wookies in mind when they designed her"

* you spent most of high school cruising the local drag and, when the car full of girls you had been following suddenly disappeared, you began to wonder if ships that small really DO have cloaking devices.

* you begin to wonder if the evil galactic empire recycles their garbage

* you walk into a bar and are told that your droids will have to wait outside

* you have ever walked into a BAD bar by mistake and later commented, "you shall never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy"

* you have ever advised anyone to "let the wookie win"

* every automatic door you encounter begins the imperial march playing in your head

* the door opens and causes an uncontrollable urge to do your very well rehearsed breath mask impersonation

* you regularly hear voices in your head telling you to "go to the dagobah system," "use the force" or "run, luke, run"

* you have ever tried to use the Force

* it worked

* you begin to think there was a mistake and YOU are the other

* all your friends have star wars code names

* you send imperial encrypt coded messages to each other that no one else can understand

* you were ever sent away from the dinner table for asking, "how you get so big eating food of this kind?"

* your parents back yard contains more hidden star wars figures than your local toys'r'us

* you have ever tried to move rocks with your mind, but found yourself moving only your eyebrows instead

* you've seen the movies so many times that you begin to feel bad for the rancor

* you've seen the movies so many times that you cry with the rancor keeper

* you've ever gone to a toy fair and beat someone up over the price of an ewok

* you begin to wonder why the ewoks worshipped 3PO instead of Chewie

* you watch the ewoks prepare to roast the heroes and begin to wonder what a wookie tastes like

* you continually watch the 15 second ewok death scene while cackling evilly to yourself

* you have ever asked someone to prove that the 20th Century Fox fanfare was NOT a part of the star wars theme song

* you gagged down two and a half pounds of powder coated sugar bombs to send away for a figure that would inevitably be dubbed "Fruity Han"

* you refer to your wedding band as a "restraining bolt"

* you unpack a dusty box, find your old star wars underoos and pause to wonder if they still fit

* you've ever started a fight with the words, "if you strike me down, i shall become more powerfull than you can possibly imagine"

* you were sure that, after the fight, no one would ever find a trace of your remains

* you've ever attempted to calculate the construction costs to build a Death Star

* you gave up and bought a satellite dish

* your car has been tagged with a character or vehicle name on a personalized license plate

* everyone in your college dorm knows you as "the star wars guy"

* you told them your name is vader (or fett, solo, etc.)

* a few hours of studying are occaisionally interrupted by a lightsaber dual between POTF2 ben and vader

* ben puts up a good fight

* vader wins anyway (if just for the sake of continuity)

* you thought "spaceballs" was funny

* you ever bet your friends that george lucas could beat the crap out of gene roddenberry

* you know without a doubt that a star destroyer could kick the crap out of any federation ship and chewie would tear worf's arms off

* you paid $7 to go to the last star trek movie just to watch kirk die

* someone mentions classical literature and it reminds you to call the book store to reserve a copy of Shadows of the Empire

* you can properly pronounce "Xizor"

* you realize that POTF2 leia looks like a wookie, but you bought her anyway

* you spend more than 15 minutes tryng to get POTF2 ben and han to stand up unassisted

* you begin to realize that kenners POTF2 line contains 8000 deliberate variations so that collectors will continue to buy figures they already own

* you don't care

* you've ever been stopped at the border and announced that you are carrying "parts and technical crew for the forest moon"

* the border patrol agent knew what you were talking about

* you've already started packing for your over-night stay at the movie theater in February of '97

* your family photo collage includes a picture of yoda

* you can sing along to weird al's "yoda"

* you think yogurt is a short, green guy who uses "da schwartz"

* you have ever played a game where everyone drinks when luke whines

* you knew you'd be sloshed in ten minutes, but you played anyway

* you pout for a week when someone points out a bit of "cheese acting"

* someone tells you that john ratzenberger and scott bakula are in TESB and you actually look for them

* your idea of a good buy involves missing a car payment for something called "yak face"

* you can point out yak face, tooth face, and prune face

* you think these are good names for characters

and last, but not least, you might be a star wars fan if...

* you spend three hours compiling a list of 70 things that might make you a star wars fan

Written by: gjh2350@msu.oscs.montana.edu

The Blue Torpedo Back