by Wesley Kozalla, staff writer

Everybody watches those old Superbowl highlight films, with John Facenda's newscaster-perfect voice chronicling all the greatness and glory from the most important football game on earth (No one can forget him saying: "Cliff Branch is a talkative little receiver with the gift of grab.") No one, however, wants to talk about the wierd memories, the ones that some people wish we would forget (like Howie Long and Lyle Alzado stuck in a cab in traffic en route to Superbowl XVIII). Here are three Superbowls with wierd twists and turns and convolutions that make us all remember those guys on the tube are slobs just like us.
The Dallas Cowboys beat the Miami Dolphins 24-3. Dallas QB Roger Staubach was named the MVP, and praises were sung all around for the "Doomsday Defense." But no one seems to talk much about the best player on the field that day--Duane Thomas. Probably because he didn't talk at all.

Thomas spent the entire 1971 season in silence. He didn't talk to his teammates, coaches, nor even his own family. Even the watchful eye of the media was left with nothing but his stats on the field. When a reporter observed after the game that he ran all over Miami's lauded defense (14 carries for 95 yards), Thomas' Duane Thomas: show, don't tell.response was "Evidently." Thomas wanted more money in his next contract, and shutting his yap was his way of saying he deserved more money. His introversion didn't rub well with head coach Tom Landry and the Dallas front office. America's Team didn't need enigmas. They needed pretty smiles and wit for the cameras in conjunction with good football. Thomas was traded to San Diego, where he blew out his knee in training camp, and his career was over. Thomas was interviewed in 1996 by Cris Collinsworth on "Inside the NFL." When asked why he chose absolute silence back then, Duane nodded thoughtfully, and said, "I don't know. I still don't know why I did it." Then he cut loose with five more sentences. And I can't prove this, but I swear that was over three days of filming.
The Raiders were huge underdogs to the Eagles, who sported the best record in the NFL, and the game was slated to be played at the Superdome in New Orleans, not exactly a town with family-oriented entertainment. Philly coach Dick Vermeil (who's currently running the St. Louis Rams into the ground), with all thedepraved pleasures of Sodom and Gomorrah within easy reach of his players, set a strict curfew. Anyone who violated it would "be immediately sent home!" Raiders coach Tom Flores, however, let his players drink, carouse, and abuse as many substances as they wanted. The final score: Oakland 27, Philadelphia 10. Nobody running back Kenny King caught the longest touchdown pass in Superbowl history, and irrelevant outside linebacker Rod Martin intercepted Ron Jaworski (who is now the stiff guy with the big face on ESPN's "NFL Countdown.") three times, and was named the game's MVP. Moreover, the Raiders were the first wildcard team to win the Big One. Wow!  My hangover is gone! This game will best be remembered for leaving high school football coaches at a loss to explain how following the straight and narrow and staying away from substance abuse is the right path to success.



This one is personal, as I am a diehard Steeler fan from birth. Dallas had Pittsburgh on the ropes, up by the score of 20-7. Then, something magical seemed to happen. The crowd at Arizona's Sun Devil Stadium were waving their Terrible Towels, Rod Woodson, who blew his knee out in week one and came back for the Superbowl was leaving Michael Irvin catchless. He even taunted Irvin by pointing to his knee after breaking up a pass and shaking his head "no way." With the score 20-10, Steeler QB Neil O'Donnell threw over the middle for Yancey Thigpen, and just when you thought it wasn't even close, Deion Sanders actually pushed Thigpen into the path of the ball! Then, down by only three, in the fourth quarter, Pittsburgh recovers their own onside kick. They move down the field with breathtaking ease. The Cowboys' imminent are we wearing white or black?death was at hand. Then, O'Donnell (from that day on known to the author as That Horsetoothed Jackass.) threw the ball right into the numbers of nobody-no-how cornerback Larry Brown, who returned the ball to the Pittsburgh 20, and the Jerry Jones Fun Posse scored to make the final 27-17. Larry Brown suddenly found himself with an actual pro football career after being named Superbowl MVP, and signed the next season with the Raiders for an ungodly amount of money. He then dropped off the face of the earth. Dallas Coach and Clem Kadiddlehopper lookalike Barry Switzer was fired two years later because Cowboy owner Jones was in a poopy mood. Michael Irvin most recently stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors during a "haircutting accident." Rod Woodson became a free agent the next year and was picked up by the 49ers, cut, and went to Baltimore. You can enjoy watching him get spat on by Steeler fans whenever they play. Neil? He promptly saved his hide by signing a five-year 25-million contract with the Jets, where he was cut two years later, after being unable to beat out flunky Glen Foley, who in turn couldn't beat out Vinny Testaverde. He's now leading Cincinnati to ultimate mediocrity. Steeler linebacker Kevin Greene became a pro wrestler and signed with the Carolina Panthers. We were left staring at the TV screen in our dorky "One For The Thumb, The Time Has Come" T-shirts, our stomachs full of cheap, colon-destroying Iron City beer, wondering how the sudden bend in reality came about. ____________________________________________________


we review everything, we are critical, skeptical and judgemental.



write in the guest book or send a postcard. it's great fun!















Copyright 1999
Brand X Webzine

    . o O The Fine Print O o . . o O Copyright Information O o . . o O E-mail O o .
                 . o O Info on images seen on Brand X Webzine O o .