Nikki's World
I'm not wise and I'm not all-knowing, but the things I've experienced and the thingsI've exposed myself to have taught me that the possibilities in life are endless, which is why I truly believe that we can do anything- if we only put our mind to it. |
Thursday, March 28, 2002
I just can't stop. A few things I hate that I inherited from my parents: From my mom- the inability to trust people and the habit of letting my sentences taper off without finishing them. From my dad- being too nice for my own good, not being able to ask for help, and not usually voicing my opinions. I still want to fuck myself over. I'm so self-destructive right now. One day I'll appreciate the fact that my friends are quietly not encouraging me to do this... Until then, I'm fucking frustrated. I finally realized that there is someone to whom I can tell anything and everything. And sadly, this person is not a best friend or even an extremely good friend. They're only a good friend. I wish things were different. I don't like the feeling of burdening myself on others. It's not a nice thing to do. So I don't talk about the things that are really bothering me. Cause it's not fair to put it on them. As if we don't all have our own issues. I must stop.
One drink. This lightheaded/dizzy/numb feeling started at my head. It's now reached my legs. I shouldn't eat more often. I think this is the first time I've ever driven right after I finished a drink... While I was somewhat indecisive before, I think I've made up my mind now. I'm not going to go for it. After being put second to a career, which is unfortunately perfectly understandable, I realized I can't live like this. It's not worth the effort and the emotion. So I will keep my FTF, but nothing more. Wednesday, March 27, 2002
Ugh. I'm boy frustrated even more now. And I don't know whether to be more mad or sad, cause I'm both. Fuck. I'm just bitter.
I considered starting a private blog area, cause there are some things that I'm not sure I want other people to see. But as I was told the other week... don't edit, just write it. So... here. Warning: I'm going to ramble. I desperately need a nap right now. I'm so tired. And I don't know why I feel so sad. I was in such a good mood yesterday, cause yesterday was a great day. I think I'm going through road trip withdrawal. Or maybe it's just Jackie and Garrett withdrawal. Hahaha... we've been spending an obscene amount of time together for the last week. It's been great! I wish we could keep doing this. And yesterday and this morning I felt like everything in my life was almost perfect. Then I get out of work and I'm all stressed and feeling yucky-like. First, I didn't have enough time to finish all my work cause my car was parked in a street cleaning area so I had to leave by a certain time. Then, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of tonight, but now I don't at all. And on the way home, I heard this song on the radio and the lyrics just really got to me (see lyrics for Blurry by Puddle of Mudd.) And then I realized that school starts in just four days and I have all these plans until then, so I won't be able to just veg for like three days in a row before then. So basically, I'll go back to school feeling like I haven't really had a vacation yet. And if I keep getting the amount of sleep I've been getting I'll go back to school more tired than I was when it ended. And also on the ride home I realized that I really did gain that stupid freshman 15, but it just happened throughout my college years and not during my freshman year. And then I realized that I really don't have enough time before school starts to do all the things I wanted to do during break. And that I have to do a bunch of stuff I don't want to do right now... like PCN stuff and pay bills and clean my apt and write a letter to my god-mother. I realize that I'm whining and I don't really have much reason to. But hell, this is just the place for it. Cause this site is my place where I can be all ME ME ME as much as I want. You don't have to sit here and read this. You have the option to close this screen and go do whatever you want. But I'm going to take as much space and time as I want to rant and whine and complain. At least hopefully this will save my friends some grief. Anyway... Yeah. So I guess as much as I'm having a good time with my friends, especially during this break, I'm just dissatisfied with my life. Not like I'm the only one or anything. But I've been SO unfocused these last couple of weeks. I usually make it a point to be very observant of the things around me, but recently I've been having a hard time just concentrating on what people are saying to me. I think Garrett said something last night about having some subconscious problems. Or maybe it was about something that was distracting my soul. Or something like that. And I think he's right. Except that I can't believe that I'm like this over just one thing. I think I'm overwhelmed right now with a bunch of things and so I can't focus on any one thing cause as much as I try to stop it my mind's running in a million different directions at once. People and life in general are so complicated, there's no way anyone can have any straightforward kind of answers. Or questions even. I think I've been like this because I finally let go. Once it got to the end of finals, I couldn't keep everything under control anymore, and I didn't feel like I had to in order to live my life- at least for the next couple of weeks. So all that energy I would put into getting school stuff and crap done and only focusing and doing one or two things at a time is gone. I guess it was kinda like putting a hole in a dam, and now everything's just spilling out of control and all chaotic-like. And, unfortunately, the only way I can think of to stop it is to plug that hole with school stuff again. So I'd just be pushing it all back in and ignoring it so I can do what I need to do to get through the next ten weeks. Sometimes I feel like people are on this earth for too long, and other times I feel like it's not long enough. Right now it feels like I will never have the time and space I need to work all this shit out so I can get over it and move on. And as much as I tell myself and others to just do one thing at a time... I find it hard to actually do that. Cause I don't think I can even separate all my issues out to individual things... cause they all seem to tie in together somehow. I think this is why I decided to just completely fuck myself over this break and do anything and everything I felt like doing- including drink myelf into oblivion... as well as other stuff... Cause I didn't want to face any of this crap I knew was going to emerge once I didn't have to worry about school anymore. And even though I haven't really gone overboard so far in my actions, I still feel like I want to. I think I want to screw myself over, just so that I'll feel like I have real problems to worry about instead of my stupid nonsense. There are so many other things in this world that are much more important than the things that are bothering me right now. So I feel like my issues aren't even worth taking time for. But that's bad cause then I never work them out. Yah, so I guess I've exhausted myself for now. I'm going to go crash while I can... wishing I could for a long time...
Okay, so these aren't the perfect transcription of the song. But you know what I mean. And no, I don't know who I feel this towards... I just do. Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl You could be my someone You could be my sea You know that I'll protect you From all of the obscene I wonder what you're doin' Imagine where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very far Can you take it all away Can you take it all away When you shoved it in my face Explain again to me Can you take it all away Can you take it all away When you shoved it my face Everyone is changing There's no one left that's real To make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl And you could be my someone You could be my sea You know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doin' I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very far Can you take it all away Can you take it all away When you shoved it in my face Explain again to me Can you take it all away Can you take it all away When you shoved it my face Explain again to me Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run away Nobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you where to run away You take it all You take it all away Explain again to me You take it all away Explain again to me Take it all away Explain again
I walked to MEXICO today. For 20 minutes. And it only cost me $7 round trip. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love turtles! Dude... I spent the best day with Jackie, Garrett, and Genevieve. (Thanks you guys!!!) Jackie and Garrett and I left the valley around 12:30pm and it took us four hours to get to Chula Vista. But after a quick stop to pick up Ginnie and go pee-pee, we were off to stand in two places at one time. Little did we know that once you went through the turnstile there was no turning back. Thus, we were off to Mexico! And so began our 15 minute shopping experience in Tiajuana during which time I bought 2 turtles. (Garrett- I still owe you a dollar!) Then it took us like 30 minutes to go through customs to get back across the border... which took us all of two minutes to cross. Great. After a failed trip to Duty Free, where we found $7 bottles of 151 which we were unable to purchase, we were off to Old Town San Diego for some yummy Mexican food and margaritas. (See the irony here?) The Old Town Mexican Cafe has THE BEST margaritas I have ever tasted! We need to go back to taste the other flavors now! Then we went to Coronado to try and get some ice cream, but it was closed by the time we got there. Sad... so sad. But I'd run out of cash by then anyway. So after a quick tour of the island we were off. And after stopping at Ginnie's to drop her off and go pee-pee once more, it was back to L.A. for me, Jackie, and Garrett. Hahaha... this doesn't even get CLOSE to explaining how good it was. I guess you just had to be there... heh. Saturday, March 23, 2002
Friday, March 22, 2002
Don't have regrets. Don't hold grudges. Live, learn, and move on. Life's too short. Always keep your eyes and ears open. Cause you never how much you miss when you sneeze.
I knew it. I'm too nice... 21% cruel & unusual- People more cutthroat than you (89%) People just as cutthroat as you (4%) People less cutthroat than you (5%)
Yay! My goal for tomorrow is to sleep in. Yay! And I'm so very sleepy right now. I just spent the night with Jackie and Garrett. I love hanging out with you! Hehehehe... I have to say that we have the best conversations together. Thanks guys! =) We definitely need to get together again during break and do some of the stuff we talked about... Heh. Okay, so I'm going to stop so I can read a bit (for fun!!! =) before I fall asleep. G'nite ya'll! Thursday, March 21, 2002
Oh Lordy. I really need to sleep. It's so very ironic that even though I finished finals two days ago I have yet to catch up on my sleep. I have yet to get more than five and a half hours of sleep a night since last weekend. I really need to sleep in one of these days... Fuck. Maybe Monday... Okay, since I have to be up in five and a half hours again, I'm going to bed. Nite yunz. (Hahahaha... I love my Ling 110 TA. Alex, you're the bestest!)
Interesting turn of events tonight... I must say that I'm happy for a certain someone, though. I hope it works out. I just found out tonight that I know a couple people who became pregnant right after 9/11... I wonder if these people are happy with their current situation? Or if they possibly regret it...? As for me, I really need a life away from UCLA Samahang Pilipino and anything it's affiliated with. Makes me wish I'd kept in touch more with other people from my past... and that I had some other place right now to meet people besides school. Bleh. Wednesday, March 20, 2002
Oh I am SOOOO pissed off right now. At this stupid Blogger server. Because it just lost my entire last blog when it crashed on me just now. And now I have to try and remember what I wrote and re-do the whole thing. And the only reason why I don't just let it go is because I think it was one of my better blogs in a while. Fucking Blogger. So I am going to try and re-write this thing word for word, as much as I can... aw;oetghawoir'n! I'm pissed. *deep breath* Here goes... Oh yah, did I forget to mention that I'm now on Spring Break? YIPEE!!! But then I realized that there just aren't enough hours in the day... or days in the week... even when I'm on vacation. Make that especially when I'm on vacation. And there will never be enough energy to accomplish everything I want to do in the next 10 days before the next 10 days are over. Sucks, huh? And now that I've finally reached the end of Winter Quarter Torture, I've come to realize something. Maybe this is just my Asian Am side rearing its ugly head because it's peeved at not being exercised in the last 10 weeks, but I've come to realize that I associate anything Western with BAD. In my psychological anthropology class I just went off on Western anthropologists and their ethnocentric, yet supposedly not because they're "educated" against it, ideas. I didn't really go off on it in person that much, oh but you should have seen my discussion notes that I turned in for the past couple weeks. Me vs. the West. And I've also come to realize this is why I'm so against my so-called Catholic religion. I'm sick of hearing "you need to do this" and "oh, but you should do that instead." If we needed to be told how to live our lives then we wouldn't have made it this far in the first place. So who is the "we" I'm talking about? Anyone in the minority. And why this sudden intense dislike of the West? Well, first of all I don't think it's all that sudden. I think it just took me a while to be able to put it into words- like a lot of things. As for the intense dislike, I hate being told what to do. And I hate it when people who tell others what they think they should do. I hate the differences this causes. And I hate the emotions and conflicts it creates between them. So I guess this is somewhat why I'm so incoherent at times... and what makes me so hard to figure out! (As I've been told in the past...) =oP
David: Frankie, you need to learn the difference between dreams and reality- it's night and day. Frankie: I know a lot more than you give me credit for. David: What is it that you know that I don't know? Frankie: I know that life can be taken away from you at any random moment, David. I know if you don't make an effort to be happy, you won't be happy. And I know there's a point when your "maybe later" becomes too late. If you only dream when you're asleep, then when you wake up there's still nothing there. -David and Frankie, Dream for an Insomniac Sunday, March 17, 2002
I actually slept today. It was a nice feeling. And I think Jay called this morning... at least I think it was him... but I'm not completely sure because I was incredibly sleepy when he called and the only thing I remember is trying to give directions to some place I'd never heard of before. On another note, I went shopping and found where all the cute, gay boys shop: Fashion Square, Macy's, jewelry department. They are HOT. And they were all buying jewelry for each other. Figures. I'm such a dork. Saturday, March 16, 2002
Hmmm... I am 24% lazy... People lazier than you (92%) People just as lazy as you (1%) People less lazy than you (6%) Must account for the past decade of my life... And... Mark your calendar or Palm V. I can expect to die on: October 1, 2047 at the age of 68 years old. On that date I will most likely die from: Cancer (34%) Alcoholism (13%) Heart Attack (9%) Alien Abduction (5%) Suicide (5%) Horrible Accident (5%) Contagious Disease (5%) Friday, March 15, 2002
by what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include." -Chocolat Somewhere, sometime, I think I've written this before... The two halves of me: One half is who I present myself to be today. The L.A. Nikki. The girl who wants to go out, skip class, shop on Melrose, see and be seen. The woman who wants to travel the world. Who wants to go to Japan, England, Germany, Egypt, Greece, Malaysia, the Carribbean. The person who wants to own a small house on big land. Who wants an ice skating rink and a snow-covered mountain in her back yard. Who wants a library like the Beast's in Beauty and the Beast. Who wants to win the lottery and claim all these material things for herself. Who wants to get out into that great, big world and make a great, big difference. The Nikki who wants to "make something of herself." Then there's the other me. The Nikki who wants to go back to Hawai'i. Not the one who was seen bar-hopping in Waikiki on any random night of the week, but the one who loved seeing the orchids growing on the side of the road. The one who wanted to hike through the rainforest. Who wanted to learn more about the Hawaiian language and culture. Who went body boarding for the first time in her life and found she loved it and was actually good at it. Who felt she could really belong there if she only had the time. This is the Nikki who would be content living in a two room house on a secluded beach. Who would never have to go to a mall because she didn't care what she was wearing or what she looked like. Who understood the land she tread upon, why it was there, and how she affected it and how it affected her in return. Who could sit on the beach all day, every day with a good book, watching the waves crash upon the shore, the birds fly through the wonderfully blue sky, and the sun set into the ocean beyond- and understand how good she already has it. In the U.S., a description like this makes me schizo. But if I were a Beng, I'd be possessed by another human spirit, one who's not quite yet ready to go away. And my job would be to make sure this spirit can come out whenever it wants, allowing it the things it needs to tranform itself and move on. Pretty interesting, huh? I've spent the last two weeks... or more... bitching and complaining and pretty much just going all out crazy and hurting myself while I was at it. I don't think I was wrong to do this, I just think that I'm not possessed of enough understanding to know how good I do have it. And while I'm still bitching and complaining and doing things that aren't all that helpful to myself, I think I've made some room to appreciate the things around me every day. Every day I thank God that I was able to find parking at school and at work. I thank God that I made it through another day, and that no one I knew got killed or hurt or sick even. I think that while I've learned to have respect for those around me, I'm still trying to find a little more respect for myself. Anyway, I haven't gotten much sleep this last week. And today I realized how much I've been depriving my body of the things it needs, like food and rest. I especially realized this today when I didn't take the things I'd been taking to keep myself awake all week. But if you were to ask me whether I'd do it again, I'd probably say yes. For some reason, I think I deserve what I'm doing and what I'm getting. And for some other reason I enjoy doing it. What would you think if I really had blown off school and work this week and just gone snowboarding or skating or to the beach or shopping or bar-hopping or just plain slept? I think I'd be proud of myself for being able to take such a risk. And at the same time I'd be telling myself how stupid I am to not do what I need to be doing. I think I'm rebelling against responsibility right now. I don't want it. I don't want to have anything to do with it. And if I can help it, I'm never going to deal with it again. (Which is why I desperately need to win the lotto.) Okay, so it's really late, and now I'm typing without looking at the screen cause my eyes are hurting so much from trying to stay open. So I think I will crawl into bed now and for once I will not set any alarm, and I will hopefully wake up before Monday afternoon. And if I don't... Well, then, it wasn't meant to be. Thursday, March 14, 2002
YEAH!!! No more pop-up/pop-under/banner crap! Go here to download Pop-Up Stopper. It's cool! It'll even keep those pesky Tripod banners from opening when you come to read my site. =) www.panicware.com Thanks to KTLA and Kurt the Cyberguy for the link... Hehehe.
Oh yeah. My ears are still ringing. Except that I figured out my left one is louder than my right one. And no, I did not study for my final today. But I did manage to read the first three weeks' worth of notes during my morning class- which I showed up 50 minutes late to.
Ahahahaha! I love this sex ed South Park. It's the best and only episode I like. Heh. =) Lance Bass is four months older than me. =) I got to talk to Jay tonight. It was fun! =) A cute boy from class stopped me in Ralph's tonight to ask me about our final. =) Too bad I was so out of it that I couldn't hold a decent conversation. I didn't even get to find out his name! Oh well... Back to the grind... One final down. Two projects, one final, and one paper to go... Wednesday, March 13, 2002
My ears are still ringing... Actually, I think it's only one ear now. But I can't really tell. It's very loud, this ringing.
I'm procrastinating again. My final is in 14 hours. In that time I MUST finish reading my presentation article, write my outline, email it to Karen, take a shower, commute to Santa Monica, and work. I SHOULD study and go to class in the morning. I'd LIKE to sleep. I'd also like to not be insane anymore, but hell, why wish for something that can't come true? Why wish for anything at all even? Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Good Lord. In the last two hours, my mood has managed to go from an all-quarter high to an all-year low. I swear I get the worst at this time of night. Maybe it's a chemical/hormonal thing. Or maybe I'm just more truthful at this time of night. Or maybe I'm just more paranoid at this time of night. Or maybe this is my way of trying to make myself feel worse... for whatever reason. Geez. I'm rambling. As if I haven't already been... You'd swear I was trying to make up for my lack of posts in the last year- but really, I'm not. Fuck. I'm just going to stop now.
This ear ringing thing is becoming incessant. I'm wavering between A) fucking it all and calling in sick to work, ditching school, foregoing studying, and going to tomorrow's concert and B) actually getting some sleep tonight so I might have enough left in me to pretend to function come the morrow. Do you know that in the last three weeks I've seriously considered going to the Student Psychological Services? Except that I don't know where it is and I don't have the time to go anyway. But I do hear that they're helpful. At least... somewhat. Well, I've brushed and washed. And somehow I've returned to here... Lance has the most beautiful hazel eyes. Fantasy #1: Write letter to Lance Bass asking for a job with the tour. Get the job. Go on tour with *Nsync. Fantasy #2: Win the lotto. Pay off all debts. Give my parents $1 million. Make figure skating my life for the next 10 years. Win a national championship. Fantasy #3: Win the lotto. Pay off all debts. Give my parents $1 million. Start my charity. Volunteer for the rest of my life. Fantasy #4: Somehow manage to graduate with Latin honors. Get hired for a real job that starts on July 1, pays over $40K per year starting, has good medical/dental/vision benefits, with room to grow in the company. Actually like my job. Fantasy #5: Never have to worry about anything ever again. Sadly, the one that's most likely to happen of these five is Fantasy #3. And there's about as good a chance of that happening as getting struck by lightning while inside my apartment on a weekday afternoon. I've resorted to supplements to stay awake and make it seem like I can still function. IF I can make it through the next eight days I'm good to go till next quarter. I wonder how long a person can go without sleep before going completely mad... Do you think it's possible to lose 25 pounds by June 13? Let's see... that would mean... 13 weeks... 25 pounds... Oh that is SO doable. Shoot. I've already done 7 in the last two weeks. My only goal is to graduate at LEAST at the same weight I started college at. And to have the tummy for a belly ring come summer. Isn't that so sad? I am so shallow!
Still I sit. I have managed to put my Celebrity tour program up on the wall though- open to Lance's page of course. At least now I have something to look at while I sit. And what time do I have to be at work tomorrow? Oh, in about 7 hours. Again I say Damn.
I feel compelled to write something deep and thought provoking. Too bad I can't think of anything to say. Except that I'm too lazy right now to get up and wash my face and brush my teeth so I can go to sleep. If I could, I'd just fall asleep right where I am- in my chair in front of the computer with all the lights on and my *Nsync cd playing on my stereo. And then not wake up till the end of time.
*deep breath* Yes, I'm still hyped. But not as hyped. Cause now I'm all conflicty. Yuck. I got an e-mail from Robinson's-May (until tonight my number 1 and ONLY choice for a post-graduation job) that rejected me for second round interviews. Eh. I don't want to dwell on that. But I'm also starting to feel all that real-life pressure and stress come back. Eh. Among other things... Yah. So what I really want right now is to go back for tomorrow night's concert. And to just have someone to hug. And to talk to for a while. About a bunch of stuff. And to not have to go back to school. At least, not for a while. Isn't it sick how many problems winning the lotto will solve? And yet, money isn't everything. It's just a lot of things. Damn. And yet again, I'm not sleepy, but I am. Why does life always have to be full of so many conflicts? It just plain sucks. I swear there are times when I just don't feel it's even worth dealing with.
OHHHH MY GOD!!!! I LOVE *NSYNC!!! Quote from tonight's AIM away message: i think i'm in love with lance bass. :-D omg. i don't think this ringing in my ears will go away any time soon. and if it means that my high from tonight's concert will go away with it, i don't ever want it to. why can't life always feel like this? even if i am unfocused, tired, and dirty... heh. Yes, I just came back from their concert at the Pond and all I can say is WOW! At one point, I was five feet away from Lance, JC, Justin, and Chris. We had floor seats, kinda in the back though, but they had this nice overhead stage that came down and they ended up RIGHT ON TOP OF US. Heheh. :-D I don't care if my ears will still be ringing come morning (cause they hella are right now) and I don't even regret missing out on a night of studying/writing papers/working on projects because that's how GOOD this concert was. Hell yah! I was a somewhat *Nsync fan before, but now... =) Ohhh yeah. I am just in such a good mood right now, better than I have been in the last couple of months actually. I really wanna go back tomorrow night! But damn, I have to study. GRRRR! Oh, and before I forget, even though I don't really care... Samantha Mumba was there, too. She was sitting in the row in front of us in the section next to ours. Ha! She had the same kind of seats we had! Anyway, she got mobbed when she came in after the pre-show (Ginuwine- whom I didn't really wanna watch, so I went to go pee instead.) Also, on another note, my car hit 100,000 miles today. It was just as I was getting on the 101 South at the Balboa entrance. I even have a picture to prove it! (The rest of the roll went towards Lance. And I think one of JC and Justin each. Heh.) Of course, it figures that the back window motor stops working the same morning as my car gets 100,000 miles on it. But oh well. I'm still too hyped to really care. I WANNA GO BACK!!!!!! BASSES ROCK! I LOVE *NSYNC! And I love Lance Bass even more! Hehehehehe... G'nite everyone! Muah! Sunday, March 10, 2002
Make what you want of this, but I thought it was interesting. (Yes, for some reason I'm procrastinating sleep. Maybe it's because when I wake up I have to confront my two projects and final.) "I walked as far as I could into a big field. I was crying, praying and hollering at God. I said, 'I've read the Bible, I've prayed, I go to church three times a week. Every time I have a homosexual thought, I rebuke it in the name of God and yet still I'm gay. Either you're not there, or you don't give a damn that I'm gay.' It took me a little while but then I realized God was OK with it. The God I really believed in was not a God that hated or condemned people." -Jamie Nabozny
Isn't that last post kinda sad? And sadly, I'm not ashamed of it. Hell, I'm even somewhat proud. Yah. I'm not quite the normal person, now am I? In the last week or so I keep getting all these great ideas for posts. And sometime in between then and now they've all flown out of my range of thought. So if you were looking for something deep and thought provoking tonight too bad for you! I'm still stressed. And I'm even more screwed now than I was before. But you know what? Now I just wanna get it over with. So long as I pass my classes with a somewhat decent grade then fine. I'm sick and tired of fighting for school. I wanna move on. I'm fucking sleepy. It's 3:40am. Why the hell am I still up? And posting on here no less? You know what else? I took another spark.com test yesterday. It was a sex test. It told me that I have an 82% chance of dying during sex. And that I'd sleep with 8 people in my lifetime, seven of them being boys... and one being a girl... And that I would love none of them. I'm not quite sure which of those I find more interesting... or more intriguing. Friday, March 08, 2002
 which technically makes you a slut. The worldwide average is only 46%. FACT: 6,412 women agreed with you, and chose "Ewan Mcgregor" as the best sex option of all time.  |
