The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein is my favorite children's book. But no matter how hard I try to be the tree, I somehow always end up being the little boy.

My week in review (continued):
Monday: Supposedly homework/housework day; I ended up watching About A Boy with Tiffany and Deen-deen. Somehow, Hugh Grant managed to look incredibly hot during an unconvincing scene with an electric guitar...
Tuesday: Supposedly PCN committee mtg (AGAIN!?); I'm going to Hooters to watch Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals. GO LAKERS!!!
Wednesday: Supposedly Bangko performance (AGAIN!? I thought all this PCN shit was over...) and/or choral dinner; I think I'm going home home to work on my graduation invites.
Thursday: PAA Alumni/Senior mixer at Westwood BrewCo. FREE food and DRINKS.
Friday: Samahang elections and Tracy's graduation party.
Saturday: Arlynn's baby shower and Bangko and/or choral worknight.
Sunday: Buy new furniture for my room at my parent's.
Monday: Homework...?
Tuesday: Deen-deen's going back to the PI. I'm going to spend the day with her and then go to the airport.

Why is it that even though PCN is over I've still fucking got something to do every day/night of the week? It's no wonder that I'm all freakin stressed and depressed again. And don't even go on about how half the stuff I'm doing now is just socializing- because I damn well know that it is. But it's socializing for a reason- I'm moving back to OC in five weeks. Once that happens I don't expect to be spending much time in LA, much less with these people. So now's my chance to soak it up. Fuck it all if I don't end up graduating...
posted by Nikki at 1:45 AM

"Not until I'd been driving for a while... did I realize how lucky I really am. And how happy I can be. Even if I had to die at this moment, I'd be happy. Because I have lived with no regrets." -Drift
posted by Nikki at 2:30 AM

Damn Listerene has more alcohol than some of the drinks I had tonight...
Yay afterparty!!! At least I didn't get so stinking drunk that I felt like puking again. I had such a high tab at the end of the night that the bartender gave me a discount. So I gave him a $10 tip. Hahaha... Afterparty was SO much fun. I was really looking for a boy to molest... so I have to thank Aurelio, Giusseppe, JJ, Randy, and Emerson for putting up with me on the dance floor. Heh. And of course, Marie, Jackie, Bubbles, and Lauren for doing the same. =) And if I'd had the guts I would've gone for JoJo too... Hee! I wish James, Dennis, and Dave could've gone. That would've made my night complete. Cause then I would've gotten to molest them too! Hehehehe!!! Number of boys' asses I pinched/slapped tonight: 3. Number of girls' asses I pinched/slapped tonight: 6. Muwah ha ha ha ha!!!

My week in review (backwards and forwards)-
Sunday: PCN
Monday: Episode II
Tuesday: Haircut and Glendale at my cousin's with Bubbles and Garrett
Wednesday: Bubbles' birthday!
Thursday: PCN afterparty
Friday: I WAS supposed to go to the airport to see Deen-deen off, but now I think I'm gonna watch game 3 of the Lakers at Hooters... =)
Saturday: Laundry.
Sunday: Mike's bbq
Monday: Homework...?
posted by Nikki at 4:31 AM

Shit. Fuck. Godammit. I guess I should've studied for my midterm this morning...
...and got more sleep.
posted by Nikki at 11:27 AM

Can anyone explain why I get better grades when I DON'T go to class??? So, I finally go to my semantics discussion today- which was really a review session for our midterm tomorrow... er- today... in ten hours. My TA handed me a packet of papers when I walked in, which included my last midterm and two homeworks... sadly, I literally haven't been to class at all since my last midterm three weeks ago and I got all 50's out of 60 on everything. In the first three weeks of the quarter, when I actually made the effort to go to class, I was getting 30's out of 60 on all my homeworks... There's something wrong here... In the words of Jackie- "That is so not encouraging." LOL. I think I know where I WON'T be for the next three weeks... That's so bad...

Now I only need to get one of my midterms back... from two weeks ago...

PCN is over. My fifth and last one ever. And the whole thing felt like a runthru to me. It was fun, though. It was the only year where I spent less than 10 minutes in the pit. I actually fraternized during the show with my dance and with choral people. That was a first. Hahaha... But hell, since I spent the last two weeks literally running every minute during rehearsals to get shit done I figured I deserved it. I think I finally experienced "the process" and not just the show. This whole year was about the process for me. And on the night of the show I played. This is the way it should be for everyone. Thanks to all the participants for making my last year my funnest one ever!
posted by Nikki at 12:55 AM

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! I hate gloating... but in this case I have to. I just checked URSA- I HAVE A FREAKING 3.783 GPA IN MY MAJOR!!! Woohoo!!! Too bad this doesn't count for jack shit... But to hell with that. Woohoo! Hahaha... Can I substitute this for my 3.3 overall GPA to get magna cum laude at graduation???
posted by Nikki at 12:24 AM

I'm hella sleepy...
And no, I did not go to class today.
posted by Nikki at 2:12 AM

Geez... I haven't been able to blog cause my stupid computer wouldn't connect to the internet for the last two days... Grrr.

I'm so sleepy... Here's tomorrow's dilemma: Do I go to class or not? I went to my full two hours of class today- well, so long as you don't count the 8 minutes I was late for. I don't think I've gone to a full day's class in a month. I looked through my notebook and the last two dates in it were from 5/3/02 and 4/26/02. Oops. Heh. So tomorrow... I've got two classes. The 10am is my stupid semantics class- the one I'm literally flunking. (Ha. That should be enough right there to make me go, but it's not.) I haven't been to a lecture since week 2. I took my midterm three weeks ago and I haven't been to class since to pick it up. I have another midterm in this class on Tuesday. Should I go? Even if I don't think lecture is worth it cause I usually just fall asleep or do something else since the teacher's kinda weird. Class number two is at 12:30pm. I usually go to this cause the whole class is based on Star Trek. Hee! I love anthro classes! But I already told my professor that I didn't know if I could make it this week cause of PCN. So technically, I'm excused. But damn, that's some shoddy class attendance right there... My goal is to make it for the last half of semantics, just to find out what's on this midterm, and then go to my anthro class. But I'm so fucking sleepy...

Okay, so I should post something bout the anthem situation, but really, I don't feel like talking bout it right now. Sorry. But let me just say: I LOVE CHORAL! They make me so proud.

I picked up my cap and gown today!!! =) And I got a menu from Jay for his mom's catering company for my graduation party!!! I was so giddy when he gave it to me, I couldn't stop giggling. I think I was just so happy to have something other than PCN shit to worry/plan for. Plus, it's graduation. Hahaha... I'm not even really excited about graduation itself, I'm just excited that it's almost OVER. So what if I don't have a job for afterwards? So what if I have no plans for after June 16 except Ryan's wedding(!). I WON'T BE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE! YAY!!!

Hahaha... as if the working world is better. I'd much rather be in school for the rest of my life, except for the fact that I actually have to sit in a lecture every day or so for however long the quarter/semester is. I'd rather just do the work on my own and not have to go to class. I fully support learning by experience, not by boredom or rote memorization. I think that whole mentor/apprentice systerm is perfect for me. Hahaha... I'm really a few centuries too late...

Okay, so yesterday at runthru I didn't have a partner, and I bruised the bottom of my foot and sprained my ankle when I jumped on the double stack and landed on the edge of the bench. I also pulled a bunch of muscles cause I didn't warm up before we danced. The bruise is still there, my ankle is still sore, and my fucking calf and feet muscles keep cramping on me, and yet I'm still freaking dancing. At least I'm not Garrett who's got a pinched nerve in his knee. Stupid boys. The only thing that will make it better is for him to stay off it and of course he won't. Boys are stupid.

OH! Best quote of the PCN season: "I just wanna be a rock star." -James Natividad. Hee!!!
posted by Nikki at 1:27 AM

I don't know what I expected to come out of tonight's Board meeting. All I know is that the nasty feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach for the last week was not in any way settled as a result of it. (For anyone in PCN who happens to be reading this, please know that all opinions here are personal and have no standing whatsoever with my position as music coordinator.)

I'm about an inch away from quitting PCN altogether right now. If it weren't for the fact that so many people are depending on me I would. As much as I feel that I haven't been doing much for PCN this year, and am not right now really doing all that much, I do still believe that some people are depending on me for at least moral support. And because my priorities (both personal and professional) are to my participants, I can't do it.

My biggest problem is with Samahang Board. According to Row's informal survey tonight, it is mainly student leaders who feel we shouldn't sing the anthem and it is mainly non-student-leader Samahang general members who feel we should. And I don't give a fuck what they say about them being elected to represent us- because from what I can see, they are NOT representing the majority opinion of general members. And then they say that they have to make a decision that upholds the principles of Samahang, well, I say to hell with the principles because if they have no members their principles won't have any meaning.

Here's my argument:
Rex made a comment at tonight's meeting that Board should really consider the repercussions of their decision. Not just the decision not to sing the anthems, but the repercussions for both sides. Then he mentioned who those repercussions could come from- other student orgs, the Chancellor, community orgs, and even groups larger than that. But he didn't really mention Samahang's members themselves. Board and others keep saying that participant confidence is very low in PCN committee. Well, I feel that it is even lower towards Board. And with the recent events I feel that it is now non-existent from general members. At least, I know this is how I feel. And I don't know if Board realizes how many people within Samahang feel the same as I do. Because I used to think that I was alone, or one of few, who felt this way. But after talking to so many people in the last month I've come to realize that we are probably in the majority. And the only people who feel opposite of us are our so-called "leaders." Do they realize that all of their power comes from our support? And without our support, our confidence in them, they have nothing? I'm not sure they do. I think they are so lost in their own little liberal, nationalistic world that they have no clue what's going on around them. And that all their reasons for their actions are only justifications made from delusions of granduer. Power corrupts. And blinds. And I think that recent events are good evidence of this fact.

I've always felt that there was something worth fighting for within Samahang- something that we could make changes about to make it better. Now I'm starting to feel that there's nothing worth fighting for in Samahang and it would be better just to start completely over from scratch. Because I have absolutely no faith in my so-called elected leaders. If they aren't willing to listen- I mean really listen- to their members, then why should I? And even worse- if they are willing to make a show of listening and then still do nothing about it- then even more why should I? It just makes me so frustrated and sad and pissed off that the organization I spent my last five years working for, towards, and with is now something I can't even stand being associated with. And even worse, the fact that I AM one of the student leaders- even though I am appointed and not elected- makes me feel worse. Because I feel I've let down those I represent by not fighting harder for them and not being strong enough to represent them in the face of Board. And I know I'm in the sucky position where I, out of responsibility, must outwardly go along with what Board decides. But that just makes me so pissed off because I am now completely against everything they stand for.

With great power comes great responsibility. I think Samahang's priority of who this responsibility is towards is incredibly skewed. And I'm not sure that I have anymore faith in the organization to be able to save itself from its own incompetence.
posted by Nikki at 10:35 PM

It's 4:30am and I'm still up. I just got home about 15 minutes ago actually. And at this time I have that stupid Enrique Iglesias "Can't Escape My Love" song stuck in my head- when I'd rather that at least it were "Blurry" or "I Want You To Want Me."

I have to be up and ready to drive to O.C. by noon. Damn.

I have a paper due on Tuesday and I haven't started yet. I don't know what my midterm score was the other week because I haven't been to class since to pick it up. Actually, that goes for two of my classes. Every day I wonder- what class do I have today? And then I wonder- how much more is my grade gonna fall because I missed yet another lecture? Fuck. I know this is all my fault, but I can't help but blame it on my involvement in certain other activities. Actually, just one activity.

God... when is my life gonna end already? I'm quite ready to not have to deal with any of it anymore.

Actually, I was really happy that choral had a worknight tonight. I'm glad that they finally got a chance to bond. And walking in on them when they were all taking turns answering the question "What are your passions and what drives you?" made me realize how extraordinary a group of people they are. I felt so inferior. I'm very proud of them.

And yet at the same time I realize just how unhappy I've been for the past... Lord, I don't even know how long. I mean, I get periods of happiness and funness in there at times, like tonight when I was hanging with Garrett just messing around on the guitar and drums, but for the most part I just really don't look forward to anything in my life right now. The one thing I'm most looking forward to is for things to end. I'm looking forward to PCN ending and I'm looking forward to college ending. Well, at least I'm looking forward to something.

I'm starting to get that sleepy bug, so I better at least get ready for bed before I fall asleep right here... again.
posted by Nikki at 4:36 AM

Eh. Politics. It sucks.
posted by Nikki at 11:13 AM

The historic paradox of liberalism: "The more ideologically hegemonic liberal values seem and the more open to difference liberal modernity declares itself, the more dismissive of difference it becomes and the more closed it seeks to make the circle of acceptability." -David Theo Goldberg, cultural studies scholar
posted by Nikki at 2:53 AM

It just makes me so sad to see the division that's come about because of Board's decision. You could see it tonight out at Westwood Plaza. Certain people who would normally interact were strategically avoiding each other. Or only communicating on a business level for practice's sake. It's so sad that this had to come about 10 days before the 25th anniversary of a celebration of Pilipino Culture Nights on the UCLA campus. And it's sadder even that, as Rex said, a small group of people would be so malicious as to bring about something like this at this stage of the process when they certainly would know what the reaction would be. I'm almost to a point where I will just say "fuck it and fuck you, I quit."

You're supposed to choose your battles. I was confronted with this issue 72 hours ago and I've decided to take on this battle, even if I'm not really sure how I want it to end. Anyone who's seen me with tears running down my face in the last 72 hours has seen them because more than anything right now, I just wish we could all get along despite our differences and enjoy what's left of the PCN process. I was looking forward to "hell week" as a time when it would all start to come together and when we'd all finally get to bond as a PCN cast, and not as just a member of our individual components. Instead, we're faced with this issue that will certainly spread beyond PCN into the coming weeks, and even possibly the coming quarters. The consequences of Board's actions will definitely be felt for some time to come and I can only hope that it will be a turning point in Samahang history. One that we can say brought reform to the close-mindedness of its current active members and pushed us towards a time of true acceptance within our own student community.
posted by Nikki at 2:48 AM

To UCLA Samahang Pilipino Board, PCN 2002 Committee, and all others who are concerned:

This letter comes in response to Board's recent decision to not have Tinig sing the American national anthem at this year's PCN. As music coordinator for this year I feel it is my responsibility to represent the concerns of PCN participants, especially those of the music participants and thereby Tinig. As such, there are a few points I would like to make:

First of all, I must apologize for my delayed response. When I first heard about this concern, at the PCN Committee meeting this past Tuesday (5/7/02), I decided not to take action until I had more information. I was told that there was a concern about the singing of the American national anthem at PCN and to "leave it up to Board" to make a decision. Little did I know that a decision had already been made at the Samahang Board meeting the night before (5/6/02).

After last night's choral practice (5/8/02), where Janice, Jonah, and Emerson made the announcement that Tinig is no longer singing the American national anthem, I spoke to and overheard a number of participants exclaiming how this year's PCN process "has sucked." They mentioned how they haven't had any fun this year, especially compared to last year, and that all this year has been about is work and "drama." As a PCN Committee member I feel that all of us, both Board and Committee, should feel ashamed of ourselves if this is how the people we represent are feeling due to our combined actions.

My main goal for this year's PCN was to increase communication between the music participants and PCN Committee, because there have been problems in the past. I also wanted to increase communication between PCN Committee and the general participants. I believe that as a Committee, and thereby Board is included in this, our first priority is to the participants. In which case, they should be made aware of the goings on of their leaders. Especially when decisions are going to be made that will affect the entire cast.

I feel that not enough time was given to this issue to make an enlightened decision. If, as Roy said, a majority of Board did not know of the issue until they received an email the morning of the Board meeting and that they then made a decision on the same evening, then something is terribly wrong with our system. An issue of this magnitude, I feel, should be brought up to the PCN participants, because it is THEIR PCN. I would like to point out that there are 10 days left till PCN. During this time, there is still another Board meeting on Monday, May 13. One week would have been enough time to at least inform the participants and give them the chance to voice their opinions on the matter, either in person or by email. I understand that this concern was initially brought up by a PCN participant and that, as such, Board is required to address it. Board's actions thus far have shown that they are willing and able to address the concerns of PCN participants. But I feel that not enough time was given to properly assess this issue and that not enough effort was put into informing other participants of their concern.

I'd also like to address some of the issues brought up at yesterday's choral practice (5/8/02):

Janice and Jonah and Emerson mentioned that it is Board's responsibility to make these kinds of decisions on the behalf of Samahang members. They mentioned that they were elected by Samahang members to make these decisions for us. It was also mentioned by another student leader that for us to complain about the decision that was made we should have taken the time to be a part of Samahang elections. For those of us who did not attend elections, let me point out that in order to be eligible to vote in a Samahang election you must have attended at least three general meetings. If, as I have felt many times in the past and currently, you don't feel accepted by Samahang Pilipino due to your opposing views and tastes why would you subject yourself to a two hour meeting every Friday evening? It may be that these people want to vote during elections, but aren't elegible. It may be that they want to take a larger part in how Samahang is run, but don't feel welcome. Very few people, though I will admit that a few people this year have, are willing to face such adversity. And who can blame them? For many of these people, PCN is an outlet. It is a way for them to be involved in the UCLA Pilipino community, without having to spend every day fighting upstream. Saying that Board is representative of ALL, or even a majority, of Samahang's members is untrue. As such, saying that Board's decision to take out the American national anthem from PCN is representative of a majority of PCN's participants (who by default are all also Samahang general members) is untrue- until we get their input. I'm not saying that Board doesn't have the judicial power to make this decision, only that they must recognize that they are not necessarily representative of the Samahang population. And in order to remedy this, they must get input from their members.

Janice and Jonah and Emerson also mentioned that Board's decision to take take out the American national anthem is based on current political events around the world and their interactions with other community orgs since 9/11. But let me point out that this is the Pilipino Cultural Night. It is meant to be a CELEBRATION of who WE are. Not who we wish we were, not who we may pretend we are, and not who others may say we are. Especially since this is the 25th anniversary of PCN on the UCLA campus, recognition must be given to the fact that we are in America. And to the fact that many of us are Pilipino-Americans. The "Star-Spangled Banner" is a song. And yes, it is a song with many connotations and symbols. But overall, it is an anthem. Anthems are designed to show pride in whatever you are singing for. I'm sure many of us, and many of the people in our audience on May 19, are proud of the fact that they live here. They are proud of the fact that either they or their ancestors "made it" in America.

To quote Mark Lagrimas: "A moment that changed my life and reaffirmed my identity was watching a food collection drive at FASGI. Right before everything went down, I saw the Pilipino WWII Vets standing at attention to both the Pilipino and U.S. anthems. I asked one of them why after over 50 years of rejection and persecution that your still stand listening to that? He said. "When I went to war, I didn't fight for F.D.R. or McArthur. I didn't fight for the government or the system. I fought for people. People who still believe in what their songs are saying. I can die happy because I did that."

We may not agree with our government's actions and policies, but the fact that we are still here means that we love America in some way. Singing the "Star-Spangled Banner" is recognition of this fact. It is a recognition that we are Pilipino-American. It can also be a recognition of the fact that while you may not agree with what our government is doing, you are willing to take a stand and fight for it, because you love our country- because you want our country to do what you feel is right. Otherwise, you'd just give up and move away.

Bringing it back to the participants, I mentioned before how some of our participants feel about this year's PCN process. Having talked to some of them, it was mentioned that Samahang Pilipino's priorities don't seem to be in place. To some of Samahang's general members, it seems as if Samahang's priorities are first to the L.A. and surrounding community, second to the UCLA community, and third to it's members. I feel that this is backwards. There is the saying "Charity begins at home." If you can't compromise with the members of your own organization, how do you expect to make an effective stance on issues in the community? We, as an organization, cannot be divided in appearance. It's understood by all that every person has their own individual views. But when we have this air of division, of disagreement, permeating PCN and Samahang it takes away from the power that our organization can have. As leaders, all members of Samahang Board and PCN Committee (myself included) and all other Samahang related orgs must and should have been working together from the start to encourage this unity. Instead, all that's occurred is a power struggle. The result is a PCN cast who, though they may not be able to state an exact reason for it, are disappointed in their experiences this year. I believe this to be due to a trickle down effect from US. We must, in order to be effective leaders, provide a united front to our participants and members and thereby the community. We must find some way to compromise our differences, because we've already seen the results when we don't. And I feel that result is a let-down to those whom we supposedly represent.

PCN is 10 days away from now. In that 10 days we still have much logistical work to do in order to complete the show. But in that 10 days, we also have time to encourage our participants. We have time to show them that we are here for THEM. That we are leaders, both elected and appointed, because we wanted to represent them. And in order to do this, we must listen and take into account their views and concerns. (If you would like to read a few of them first-hand, then go here: http://www.petitiononline.com/spcnssb/petition.html )

Now, I may or may not be at the Board meeting this Monday. My priority is, and always has been, towards PCN. If possible, I will be having one last fundraiser that night. We are still in need of funds and without these funds there won't even be a PCN to have "drama" over. But if this fundraiser doesn't happen, and if I'm assured that a discussion will be re-opened about whether to sing the American national anthem at PCN, then I will be there. Please feel free to respond to me with any comments. I also want to make it known that I am not addressing any individual person in this letter, but the entities of Samahang Pilipino Board and PCN Committee and any other group mentioned herein. Thank you for your concern and time.

Nicole Llido
Samahang general member
PCN 2002 Music Coordinator
posted by Nikki at 5:10 PM

I'm too emotionally drained right now to be able to write anything worthwhile. Suffice it to say that I hate politics. And I feel really bad about how a lot of things in PCN have gone this year. I think I've been walking through the whole process this year with blinders on and they've finally just started to slip off. So I feel like I'm still only seeing part of the picture, but at least I'm beginning to see anything at all. And once I recover from tonight's energy/will-sucking events I plan on telling Samahang everything I've never had the guts to say.
posted by Nikki at 2:06 AM

Here is why I have this inexplicable attraction to gay boys... I love it when a boy can sing, dance, cook, is neat, dresses well, and is eloquent. Which pretty much means that he's gay.
posted by Nikki at 12:50 AM

Ohhh... I just did a stupid and lost my entire blog. Ehhh... I'm dumb.

So I'm still alive. Incredibly sunburned, tired, and full, but still alive. I don't know whether to say "thank God" or not... I want a boy to make out with. Eh. Ohhh... and I wanna go skating. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. I actually did an axel today at runthru! It was perfect! And fucking huge! And I was just messing around when I did it! Shit. If I could do that on the ice I wouldn't have quit- again.

I got to spar- kinda- with Randolph today. It was fun. I spent like a half hour with the kali people. I showed Randolph some moves I remembered from my kung-fu days. And worked on some kali moves too. I showed him a way to block into a sweep that would pretty much kill the person if you hit them on the head right while they were on their way down. Probably not the best thing for him and Marie to do onstage in their first month ever of doing kali...

I spent part of my lunch hour with Randolph today. I hardly ever get to talk to him. We swapped Alyssa and Jay stories. Hahaha... Plus, he bought me a honeydew smoothie from Boba World. So sweet! I love it when boys pay for stuff... like when Jay paid for my ice cream... Awww... *sniff*

Oh, I love Christmas. It's just the best time of the year. I don't know why SNL's been showing all these Christmas repeats lately, but last week's Hugh Jackman one was so good! I love it when he sings... AHH! He's so handsome. And today, Jimmy Fallon sang with Tina Fey and Rudolph Guiliani on Weekend Update. It was the best Weekend Update I've seen! So sweet!

I have to apologize to anyone (like anyone actually reads this thing) who's noticed the appearing/disappearing links recently. I'm trying to get my archives up, but it's not working very well yet. So please bear with me while I try to get it all sorted out. Although it might take a while considering all the PCN shit I'm gonna have to do in the next two weeks.

If I were to elaborate on the fantasies I've been having of this particular Pacey-like boy this site would probably be considered porn. Hahaha...

So I've been wanting to play my new guitar since I bought it, but I haven't allowed myself because of all the shit I should be doing instead. So it's just burning a $200 hole in my room... waiting for it to be played. Although after playing with Jay's guitar for an hour last week, my guitar is gonna sound like shit.

And of course, there's still that ever-present question of: What the hell am I gonna do with myself after June 16? Eh. Life can really suck sometimes. I'm gonna go fantasize some more from my room...
posted by Nikki at 12:47 AM

I feel so bad for Bryant. He was the one person I really wanted to win in USAC elections and he lost by 37 votes. And now I feel bad for not voting. I seriously thought he had it in the bag... but I guess not. I feel bad even more because I think he would've made a great president. After working with him for six weeks in Hawai'i I got to know him pretty well and know what kind of person he is. And what some of his views are. He really would've been a great president... *sigh* Chalk up one more mistake for this year...
posted by Nikki at 2:11 PM

ARGH! Why am I still awake? And why do I keep re-watching the scene with Alex and Pacey? Actually, I know why I'm doing that... and it's cause he reminds me of a certain someone...

I finally got my apt clean. Well, the public areas at least. My bedroom's still a mess. And it's even worse now that I just threw a bunch of stuff in there in order to get it out of the living room. But now it feels so empty out here! And it's fucking COLD in here too.

I'm scared to death of these stupid benches for my dance. I think it's partly cause I don't get enough sleep or food... I've been really light-headed and dizzy the past few days. Not a good thing when you're trying to dance on a double stack of benches. Or a single bench, even. I can't even keep my balance jumping up and down on the one bench. Shit. And as much as I love my partner, it doesn't help that he hardly ever shows up to practice. I know at the beginning of the year I said I didn't wanna do Tinikling cause I didn't wanna have Jerry for a teacher, but just the fact that they're jumping through moving sticks instead of on top of benches that are stacked four feet high makes me wish I was jumping through moving sticks. And the one guy I feel comfortable jumping with is scared to death of being on the double stack, too. Ha. Great. Plus, he's someone else's partner. We pretty much fell off tonight when we tried doing it together. But damn, I can't even get around successfully with my partner. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

At least, though, I got to hang out with some people from my dance tonight. And we actually got work on our costumes and glasses done. At the very least I can roll around on my floor to practice Binasuan. I can't believe how fucking off I am though. In Royce Tuesday night I kept getting so dizzy and light-headed that I had to stop moving or sit down- or else I'd just fall down. Although, that was probably from lack of food. I had a cookie that day. That's it. Just a cookie. And then when I got home at 10 that night I got a cheeseburger from Fudrucker's. And yesterday, I had a pretzel- with cheese dipping sauce. But that's it. Just a pretzel. Goddamn. It's almost like missing class this morning to go to Denny's with Bubbles was worth it... even if their extremely bad service did make me wanna stab someone with my fork.
posted by Nikki at 3:42 AM

After watching this week's Dawson's... It kinda took me back. I don't want to be like the conniving Alex bitch with Pacey... I don't want to be her. I want him on my own terms... of his own volition. Not like that.

But what if he's not even interested in that way? Or what if I just want him cause I can't have him? Or cause I haven't had enough of him yet? I think I'm afraid that once- IF- I do actually get him, I won't want him anymore. Just like all the others. Because this one's different. He's different from every other person I've been with. And I would never want to lose him as a friend. And no matter how much I try to think of a reason for me to not want him some time in the future, I can't. But then, was I able to do that for the others? Actually, I think I was. I had reservations about the others right from the start. But with this one... do I have reservations? Yes, I do. But they're material ones... Like money, among other things. I'm so freaking materialistic. This is why I think it'd be better if I waited to even try. But the more I wait... the more I see what I'm missing in the meantime. I mean, I know he's not perfect. But his imperfections aren't even imperfections to me. Not yet anyway. God. I'm so damn pessimistic. And it's like... I'm so picky. I like guys who are smarter than me- who are basically "better" than me. And that's the kind of girl that he likes. So yeah, I don't think those two go together very well...

Basically, I really want him. I've wanted him for a long LONG time. But it's never worked out in the past. And I have to wonder why that is. I mean, geez, you'd think that if he was interested something would of come of it by now. And it hasn't. But every time we're together it just feels so... right. I mean, it's kinda awkward, especially recently, but it's that kind of awkward where you wanna do something you know you really shouldn't and so you try to control yourself and it just makes things weird. The last time... God, it just felt so right. Like there was nowhere else I'd rather have been. And I think he felt it too. I don't even know how we ended up where we did. It just happened. But it wasn't weird or awkward or even something to question. Okay, well, maybe a little.

Geez... I just realized... I started out my last one on bad terms. And ended it pretty much on the same ones, but with another person. That one was just doomed to failure. Why do I do that? Why do I let myself get into things that I'm not really sure I want to be in in the first place? And then stay in them for so long? I know- it's cause I'm too fucking chicken to end something as soon as I realize it. I remember thinking that he was better for me at the time. I wonder... if I hadn't done that... what would have happened? Would I be where I wish I was now? I'm not too sure... cause I know he was already talking about some other girl at the time. One who eventually became, and currently is, his gf.

And what if he feels the same way I do? What if he doesn't think the timing's right either? Cause... this thing wouldn't keep happening between us if he didn't at least feel a little bit of something towards me. I mean, God, you'd think- hope- I'd be able to tell if there was absolutely nothing there on his part. I mean, geez, I'm pretty sure he kissed me that time... Although I still don't really know how that happened. One minute, we're standing there... and the next... yeah.

And it sucks, cause I feel like I have to limit myself around him. I even have to limit my time with him. Because the more time I spend with him, the more I want him. I found myself embarrassed last week to do certain things... Why is that? That's never happened before. Oh God... I really don't know anymore. It's not like I can spend however long waiting for him. That's just so wrong in so many ways. And yet, I find that's what I'm doing. Oh, I don't mind doing whatever with whoever random person... like a certain Mango... but why do I subconsciously find myself steering away from any other potential. I am waiting for him. I'm such an idiot.

And that "talk" we had... was he trying to say that he didn't see me beyond friend material? Or was he trying to say something else? I'm so afraid that I'll get what I want only for it to end- either because I get sick of him or because he doesn't really want me and he's just doing the same thing I would do If I were in his position. This just really sucks. Plus, we're in different places right now. I'm about to graduate. He's been out for a while. He knows where he wants to go. I have no clue. There are so many reasons why I like him. He really is thoughtful and kind. And he's so good with family- not just his, but others'. He has such strong faith, and yet he's also been "on the bad side." I feel like he understands me, like really. There's only one other person I feel would understand me about as much, but I don't think even he would understand that side of me as well. And what's worse even... is that I can't do jack shit about it. As much as I want to bring this up to him and talk to him about it I can't. Because it's just not right to put him in that position. Not when he's got a gf.

And who's to say that maybe we are meant for each other, but not right now? Cause it still seems like we've both got some growing to do first. Three years ago I was a very different person. And so was he. And so was our relationship. Maybe we just aren't compatible in that way just yet. Or hell. Maybe we won't ever be. But that still doesn't change the fact that I like him a lot. And I wish that something could be between us.
posted by Nikki at 3:14 AM

I know I get violent and depressed when I'm frustrated, stressed, and/or angry. But usually I'm self-destructive and violent, not violent towards other people. But today... I started to scare even myself. I was sitting in Denny's with Bubbles waiting FOREVER for our food to come and I only had an hour left before my class started and I seriously wanted to take the fork or knife I was holding and stab it into someone's chest. I actually visualized myself doing it. Geez... I really need a punching bag in my apt. Or else I need to start sparring again...
posted by Nikki at 2:29 PM

It would be Linkin Park... Nice lyrics, I'm not too sure about the song itself though... Hahaha...


Runaway
-Linkin Park

Graffiti decorations
Underneath a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true

Now I find myself in question
They point the finger at me again
Guilty by association
You point the finger at me again

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true

Now I find myself in question
They point the finger at me again
Guilty by association
You point the finger at me again

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Gonna run away and never say goodbye
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away and never wonder why
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away and open up my mind
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
I wanna run away
And open up my mind
I wanna run away
And open up my mind
I wanna run away
And open up my mind
I wanna run away
And open up my mind

posted by Nikki at 2:26 PM

It's fucking late. I sleep now. I be up by 4. Must email and clean before class... Maybe I should stop and buy breakfast... Yum!
posted by Nikki at 1:20 AM

Owwww.... my arms hurt. You try carrying a crate full of bronze gongs from Royce to Schoenberg. OUCH. And I have to dance tomorrow? awoegnaw!

I'm hungry. And sleepy. And I need to clean my apt.

I'm fucking pissed off at the attitude that some people have. It's like half of them have just given up and decided not to do anything anymore. That's all well and fine- so long as they officially quit. Don't leave the rest of us hanging wondering whether or not you're gonna do your shit. And when you do show up, please fucking get to work and don't just goof off all night. And pay attention to your teachers. Joking around is cool, so long as you're getting your work done. BUT FYI- THE WORK IS NOT GETTING DONE. There are 18 days left till PCN people. Fucking get this into your head, stop stressing, and just work. That's all. Just fucking do what you need to do and get it done with.

But I have to say that orchestra and indigenous and even choral really made me proud tonight. You all (those of you who came) showed up, got to work, and had fun at the same time. You all make me wanna cry cause you did so good. Thanks guys!
posted by Nikki at 12:36 AM

I've got five minutes till my next mtg...
Why the hell am I online?
To do:
Clean apt
PCN ads
P-grad ads
Read for class... ha.
Learn my choral parts
Memorize my script lines
Contact Rex for Kayumanggi
Send out reminder email for Saturday... program pics, costumes
FUNDRAISER shit!!!
Practice my dance
Check up on cultural workshop stuff

Geez... Gotta get to the mtg.
posted by Nikki at 4:44 PM

Once again, I'm not in class. *expletive* I really have a potty mouth now.
Grrr...
posted by Nikki at 1:55 PM

Taking a break... freaking Ling homework is time-consuming. Shit. I should've started this last week.

So I don't know whether or not I did well enough to pass on my midterms... I studied for an hour and a half for ling and a half hour for anthro. Not the best of ideas...

I got to vent to Garrett today. It was fun. We haven't talked in a while. And even though he was hella bitchy during practice it was okay... kinda... I still love you Gar!

And thanks to Bubbles for cleaning my bathroom for me!!!!!! I love you too Bubbles! :)

I still feel sick to my stomach. Had a cookie and a cheeseburger today. Oh, and a whole bottle of apple juice. That was yummy. :)

Must clean my apt by Thursday night. Why did I ever agree to having a worknight here? Fuck. This place is a mess and I only have four hours on Thursday right before dance practice in which to clean it... I spent over three hours alone today cleaning the kitchen. And Bubbles took over two hours to clean the bathroom... Shit. Maybe we'll just stick to the clubhouse... Hahaha...

So Ryan and Vernon know each other... now isn't that interesting... It's funny how small the world is sometimes.

I hate infomercials. I must change the channel. Geez. Now I'm just procrastinating. Back to work for me...
posted by Nikki at 1:33 AM