These last few episodes of Buffy are killing me. I swear, they cause me more stress in that one hour than anything else in my life right now. So sad... And I'm so depressed that the show is ending! It's like symbolic of my childhood ending. I've been watching this show religiously since my junior year of high school... I've literally only missed a handful of episodes (I only need one hand to count them). Then there's Dawson's that's ending and Roswell last year... this is really taking away from my list of obsessively watched TV shows. Now I'm down to Everwood on Mondays, Angel on Wednesdays, and Charmed and Queer as Folk on Sundays. The only good thing about all this is that I'll need less blank videotapes now... Sniff sniff.

I have a headache. My right temple is pounding.

I'm hyper-sensitive to car accidents right now. Every time I see one it just hits me right in the gut. In a space of two hours on Saturday, while going from my house to the office to the Home and Garden Expo, I saw six car accidents. And yesterday there was one right outside our building that I watched for two and a half hours while they cleared everything up. (It took the fucking LAPD a half hour to show up! If someone had been hurt they would've been dead by then! And during that time a bus and the car were just sitting smack dab in the middle of a major intersection. I swear, if we had been in Beverly Hills they would've been there in two minutes.) Then tonight, as I show up for my last appointment of the night, my client asks if we can reschedule because she was in a car accident last night and she has major whiplash. It was good for me, cause yay!, I finally got to be home by 8pm for a night, but still... I feel like curling up in the corner underneath my desk right now and burying myself away from the world. And I'm being totally serious here. Every time I go out I feel like something's going to happen, like I'm gonna get run over while crossing the street or my car is going to somehow flip over and get crushed or the elevator I'm in is gonna fall to the ground. Yesterday while I was driving down the 91, I had this vision of my car suddenly flying through the air and flipping over and landing on its roof- and it made me almost get into a car accident because it seemed so real. I'm so damn paranoid at the moment it's scary. I really think I need to get more sleep... and take a vacation. Aw shit... now I'm just gonna cry.

And my head still hurts.
posted by Nikki at 9:27 PM

Woohoo! Brian and Justin are back together! Happy day!

I've come to the conclusion that I am way over-sensitive. That's why I cry so easily. And it's also why I'm super-bitch to other people sometimes... so I won't end up crying in front of them. Either that or I'm highly PMSing today, cause I was just a fountain of tears. Ugh. I hate being such a girl.

I desperately need to get back to the gym.

Eight hours of listening to high school seniors answer the same four questions over and over was repaid by this reminder: I need to stop and smell the roses more often. I think it was worth it.

I'm hungry. My eating patterns are all screwed up.

Geez... sometimes I wonder if I'm manic-depressive.

Oh well... no time to think about it. Tomorrow starts another week of grueling, sleepless, stressful, 12-hour work days. Why do I do this to myself?
posted by Nikki at 10:57 PM

I just found a continuity error in Jerry Maguire. Heh. When Jerry and Dorothy leave to go on their first date, she walks out the front door holding her purse. Then in the next shot she's talking to her sister- the shot is waist up so you don't see the purse. But in the following shot, she's running out to see Jerry and they're standing in the middle of the street- where she is barefoot and holding a pair of shoes, but no purse. Hahahaha... that just proves how many times this movie's been replayed on this channel- and how many times I've watched it.

My nails are too long... I can't type.
posted by Nikki at 10:37 PM

I'm too tired to think coherently. I just had my first 13 hour work day- from 9am-10pm. About all I can do now is sit in front of the TV and look at all the pretty pictures flashing by. Argh...

I drive too much.
posted by Nikki at 10:17 PM

A blackened area of burned concrete covering the fast lane, half of the lane to the right of it, and a portion of the center divider of the 405 south, less than a quarter mile before the Washington exit, marks the spot where Cindy's car came to a stop. I know because I've driven over it twice this week. I don't think I'll ever be able to drive through that section of the freeway without thinking of her... Even when the black marks are inevitably rubbed out by the thousands of cars that drive over it every day.
posted by Nikki at 10:47 PM

My back hurts.

The news just reported on a story about how controversial homosexual affection is on TV. They showed some guy saying how kids could be exposed to it and it shouldn't be allowed on TV. Well, my question to him is What the HELL is wrong with that??? So what, they're exposed to it. Oh no. It's a fact of life. Face it already and move on. Maybe you should spend more time paying attention to your life rather than other people's.

My schedule so far this week:
Monday- office (9am-8:15pm)
Tuesday- office (9am-2:15pm), tutor (4pm-6pm), appointment (7:30pm-9pm)
Wednesday- office (9am-6:30pm), appointment (7pm-9pm)

I'm fucking tired. And this has been a normal week so far...
posted by Nikki at 11:18 PM

Argh! My nose is stuffy and dripping at the same time... And I can't breathe, so I can't talk... And I keep sneezing and sniffling... And then there's the occasional cough. Ugh. I feel like shit.

And I have to be in Westwood at 9am tomorrow.
posted by Nikki at 10:22 PM

I was so excited when I woke up this morning... and then I showed up at our "family's" Easter picnic and I wasn't in such a good mood anymore. Maybe it was because there were so few people there. We used to have these huge Easter parties where the older "kids" (like the ones who are now my age) and parents would hide decorated eggs and plastic eggs with money in them. And then we'd all race to be the one who found the most eggs. But now our family is split apart- and all because of stupid rumors and stubborn pride. And it's been almost two years since we've all been together in one place. I'm just glad that none of my cousins and I are taking part in this split. We've all agreed that no matter what happens with our parents and to us in the future, we're still family and we will not let anything like this keep us apart. I hope it stays true.

Anyway, so I'm not in a very good mood right now. But I did manage to clean my room up a bit. At least I can see the carpet in some places now. And my closet is somewhat organized again. I can't say the same for my clothes (which are still strewn all over my windowseat and chair) and my desk (which is covered in mounds of papers), though. It seems like no matter what I do, I can never get enough time to finish all the little, mundane errands I need to do... Like having my car washed and changing my cellphone (again!) and cleaning up around the house a bit. Oh, and then there's the mail that I haven't picked up in almost a week. I'm sure the post office people love me right now. Eh.

I wish I had a cheat code for life... Like in the Sims where you can press CTRL+SHIFT+C (or something like that) and then type in "rosebud" to get 1,000 free simoleans (that's dollars in human language.) It would just make things so much easier.

You realize you're getting old when you're at parties with a bunch of friends you met while in college... and all of a sudden, one day, there's little kids running around and married couples coming and going. Good Lord... Yesterday at Mike's there were two three-year-old girls running around like crazy. There were cute and very hyper. And to think... these are/were my college friends. Geez. I was just starting to get used to the fact that I now have married friends.

Anyway, it's time to get ready to start another week. Oh joy.
posted by Nikki at 10:31 PM

My left thumb is annoyingly painful. I've got old school Nintendo gamer's thumb. Thanks Roger.

Earlier today I was talking to Bernie and Garrett about how I was watching Gidget the other week and now Gidget Grows Up is on STARZ's Love Stories channel. Hahaha...

This was my first weekend to myself this month. In other words- I only did what I wanted to do. It's been pretty fun so far.

Does anyone else find it ironic that 4/20 is Easter Sunday this year? Hmmm... I would still like to "experience" a 4/20 one of these days... Call it leftover childhood curiosity...

When I get the money (in order of first to last):
1) Pay off all debt
2) Buy a new desktop computer
3) Buy a new car
4) Buy a townhome/condo
5) Retire

It'd be nice to be able to do all of that at once... I calculate I need at least $15 million to be able to do that. Damn... that's a lot of lotto tickets. Oh, and if I do win the lotto I'm going to add paying off my parent's debts and giving them $1 million to retire on, as well.
posted by Nikki at 10:32 AM

I want a boyfriend like CJ on Dawson's Creek. "Take as many as you need..." Argh!

Holy fuck! They just showed Mt. High on the news... they've got a crap full of powder on the ground! It's April! I'm so sad... my board is packed away and gone.
posted by Nikki at 10:30 PM

Tonight's Buffy was so... sad. They freaking hurt Xander!!! Those bastards!
posted by Nikki at 9:00 PM

Oh happy day! I was actually home at 6pm today. It was a miracle!
posted by Nikki at 8:11 PM

It snowed in Wrightwood. I'm sad. It's April and I could be snowboarding...

I've been going through the last week and a half in a semi-daze... kind of just floating through work and social obligations and stuff. I've been completely unmotivated to strike out and meet new people. It's been all I could do just to go and see people I already know. Everything's still been so busy, though, that I haven't had the time to process anything and it's starting to get to me. I think I'm finally past the shock stage and now I really want time to think about everything that's happened recently. But it just seems like there isn't any time left in the week to do it. I finally got home AT 9pm tonight... pretty good considering the last couple weeks. But then again, I have to be in the office every day this week at 9am. Anyway, what I'm saying is that if I don't get some time to myself to just sit and think sometime soon I'm going to seriously break down. I can already feel it. And I've always been good at pushing things I don't want to think about off to the side. So if other "obligations" keep popping up I'm likely to push this off forever...

It's kind of weird being able to be all "normal" and happy at work and at home and stuff... but then being able to start to cry at any second when I'm alone. I'm usually not that bad.

Oh, and on that self-centered topic of me... As much as I'd like to meet someone new right now (someone who's most definitely not work-related) I think I'm way too emotionally vulnerable for me to allow anything to happen. And I mean anything. I also think this has been going on for a while, but I didn't want to admit why. But I do think that it's just getting worse as time passes by... the longer it takes the worse I get. It's like being out of practice. I can't even have a normal conversation with someone new anymore... I always feel out of sorts. It's like, I used to know what I was doing but then I got amnesia or something. Anyway... yeah.

One last thing... on the topic of death and dying... (Wee... Thinking happy thoughts tonight aren't we?)
I'm not afraid of being dead. I figure, I have no power over when it's my time to go and there's not really anything or anyone especially keeping me here, so if it happens it happens. And I (surprise, surprise) have complete faith in God to take care of me here as well as there. It would just suck for my family and friends, of course- if they'd even care. But I am afraid of how I'll die. I've seen a couple people have lingering illnesses from cancer and I know it's not pleasant. And neither are violent deaths, of course, and I wouldn't want to go through either one. Those are the things I'm afraid might happen though and that is the reason why if I can do anything to prevent it, I will. (i.e. avoiding car accidents on the freeway) Anyway, that's all I really have to say. I need to get to bed.
posted by Nikki at 10:42 PM

One more Daily Bruin article about Cindy.

I've gotten home between 9 and 10 pm every night this week- and I've had to be in the office every day at 9am too... I'm so fucking tired. I feel like I've been running nonstop for days without any rest. I'm about ready to drop to the ground and just say SCREW IT ALL. It was all I could do not to fall asleep while driving all over LA and Orange County for the last three days. I had to resort to calling as many random people as I could think of and eating all the junk food I could stand so I'd stay awake throughout the past four days. And now I have to go to Las Vegas to attend a wedding for a second cousin that's going to be so drama filled I already know I'm not going to get any rest this weekend. I'd rather be on my way up north with other people from campus for Cindy's funeral.

Speaking of which... this whole thing has hit me much harder than it should have, since even though I considered myself friends with Cindy we never really spent much time together. But I remember she was always there with a smile to say hi whenever we saw each other... Even when I could tell she was beyond exhausted and we were headed into meetings that we knew would be filled with arguing and some high strung emotions. Anyway, it's so much that I can't even get myself to talk about it yet. And I can't even get an hour to sit and think and process what with all the crap I was doing all week. Although, I think I do have a free weekend coming up in May... This fucking sucks.

Anyway, I'm off to get the six hours of sleep I was able to allot for tonght. I have to be up by 5:30 to get everything I need to get done actually done before I show up at the office tomorrow. All I know is since I don't want to be in Vegas this weekend, I'm not driving and I intend on sleeping the entire way- with a bunch of CDs to drown out my parents' incessant quibbling.

That was such a self-centered post.
posted by Nikki at 10:59 PM

I have so much I want to say, but absolutely none of the emotional energy I need to say it. It'll have to wait...

One anecdote, though. As Marie and I were driving through campus tonight, past MacGowan, we spotted a cardboard box lying in the middle of the road. It looked unopened, and there was no one else around, so I stopped to see if there was anything inside. I opened my door and tried to move the box, but it was pretty heavy. So I put my car in park, ran out, and threw the box in my backseat as fast as I could. Marie's comments of "what if it's a bomb?" were repeated a few times, but I figured oh well, if it was we'd just blow up. And as we were driving away I looked behind me to see what was inside... the box was labeled "2-ply bathroom tissue." Hahaha... we'd street treated a 48-roll case of toilet paper! So if anyone needs to use the bathroom please feel free to come on over... just be sure to bring your own air freshener!
posted by Nikki at 12:11 AM

LOS ANGELES
Loss of Achiever Shakes UCLA
A student leader killed by a suspected drunk driver, she was due to graduate with honors. A posthumous degree will be awarded.
By Peter Y. Hong
L.A. Times Staff Writer

April 9, 2003

Cynthia Rabuy was on her way home from campus when an allegedly drunk driver struck her car last week, ending her life weeks before she was to graduate with honors from UCLA.

Rabuy's death has shaken the Westwood campus, where she was a prominent student leader. Even at a school with 37,000 students, Rabuy, 23, was well-known to many as a calming influence in even the most heated campus controversies. She had served as a student council member and had been chairwoman of the board of directors for Associated Students of UCLA.

News of Rabuy's fatal accident on the San Diego Freeway late last Wednesday and accounts of her impact on campus life have been front-page features in the campus paper. After her death that night, scores of students gathered outside the building housing the offices of student organizations -- where Rabuy had spent much of her time -- to mourn their friend and leader.

A formal memorial service will be held on campus today. The university will present Rabuy's parents with a posthumous bachelor's degree.

Rabuy had majored in English and minored in public policy and education. She was on track to graduate cum laude in June, then planned to teach English in Japan. Later, she hoped to attend graduate school in education, with the goal of becoming a counselor or professor.

The young woman was driving to her Culver City home Wednesday when her Dodge Neon stalled in the left lane of the freeway, just north of Washington Boulevard, shortly before midnight. She was struck from behind by Christopher T. Ervin, 31, of Long Beach.

Ervin had been speeding and was later found to be intoxicated, said Shemeil Coleman, a spokesman for the California Highway Patrol's West Los Angeles office. Rabuy's car burst into flames, Coleman said, and Ervin has been booked on suspicion of vehicular manslaughter.

In her student government work, Rabuy was known for fairness, said Thamsanqua Ngubeni, director of UCLA's community programs office. For instance, she was a member of Samahang Pilipino, a Filipino student group, but also a financial officer on the undergraduate council that funds student groups.

"The Samahang people were angry at her, saying, 'You're not representing our interests.' She said, 'I represent everybody's interests.' She got everybody to forget their color and ethnicity."

Born in Oakland, Rabuy grew up in Fremont. She was senior class president at John F. Kennedy High School, and earned eight varsity letters in basketball, volleyball and badminton. She was the third child in her family to attend UCLA, and was active in the Roman Catholic Church.

"She had a lot of faith, and we know she's now doing important work as an angel," said her sister, Marlo Beall.

Another Daily Bruin article about Cindy.

Excerpts from an email...

Hey everyone. As many of you may or may not know, my best friend Cynthia Rabuy was tragically killed in a car accident last week. I was the last person to see her that night. We shared a great dinner before she dropped me off at home. Her accident happened about 10 minutes later. Attached is more information about what happened and also, when and where her memorial services will be.

Cynthia was one of the most beautiful, creative, generous, funny, intelligent, warm, sweet, and modest people I have ever met. I knew her since 2nd grade and will forever be inspired and touched by her memory and the life she led. Please forward this to any other interested parties. She will be truly missed.

Abby Camaya


Dearest Family and Friends,

We would like to extend our sincere gratitude for the tremendous amount of support, love and prayers that we have received over the past few days. Now that Cindy, our beloved daughter and sister, has entered the heavenly kingdom of God, we truly appreciate your loving thoughts and condolences.

On Wednesday, April 2, 2003, just before midnight, Cindy was traveling southbound on the 405 freeway, when her car began to decelerate and eventually stalled near the Washington Blvd./Sawtelle Blvd. Exit. She took all the necessary precautions of signaling with her hazard lights and remaining in the car with her seat belt fastened. Unfortunately, within mere moments, another vehicle struck her car, forcing it forward about 40-50 feet. It had been traveling extremely fast and the driver was drunk. Almost simultaneously, the car caught fire. Tragically, she did not survive the impact.

Cindy had been living in Southern California for just over four years, while attending UCLA. She had just begun her final quarter at UCLA and was preparing for graduation in June. She had already fulfilled the requirements for her English Literature degree and was completing the last two courses for her Education and Public Policy minors. For the past year, she had been living in Culver City, with her sister Marlo and brother-in-law Andrew. The three of them had spent the majority of that day together, just relaxing at home. She proceeded to UCLA in the early evening to attend practice for the annual Pilipino Cultural Night, from approximately 7:30pm to 10:00pm. After practice, she shared a lovely late dinner in Westwood, talking with a close, childhood friend, before heading home.

Cynthia (Cindy) Eugenia Pesigan Rabuy, is the fourth of five daughters of Carlos and Aurora Rabuy. Her sisters are Arlene, Marlo, Carla and Veronica Joyce (V.J.). She was born on December 22, 1979. Throughout her life she accomplished and experienced so much. We invite you to share in celebrating Cindy's life and remembering what she meant to all those whose lives she touched.
posted by Nikki at 11:33 PM

OMG... I'm finally caught up with all my missed email. It took me an hour and a half just to reply to all the personal mail I'd gotten in the last month that I hadn't had time to respond to. That's the one thing about trying to make friends... you have to actually talk to them sometimes.


Try this, it's supposed to predict your love life!

I've had this thought before... but it just seems to hit home a bit harder now. Given the amount of time I spend in my car, there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to die in it. I mean, take the hour to hour and a half drive to and from the office each day... Then there's the driving to various client appointments- I've been everywhere from Atascadero to Banning to Irvine for apppointments... And I'll be expanding to San Diego soon. Dude, there's 135,000 miles on my car! And it's only seven years old! Then there's the fact that I've been involved in two pretty bad accidents and I've witnessed (and come far too close for comfort to being involved in) at least three others. Not to mention the countless other accidents I've come across while driving in, around, and through the Southern California region. Those are pretty high stats for someone who's only been driving for seven years (two of which I was in high school!) So if I don't die in bed of natural causes at some ripe old age I'm about 90% sure I'm going to die in my car. It just makes sense. It's a good thing I'm such a good driver. Pretty morbid huh?
posted by Nikki at 11:28 PM

On my way home tonight I came about 100 feet close to a very bad car accident. All I remember is seeing a whole bunch of brake lights moving back and forth in ways they should NOT have been and then all of a sudden there was one pair of lights that went across the entire freeway, started spinning, and then there were suddently headlights coming my way. NOT FUN. I also saw something lying in the road as I went by... I couldn't tell if it was a motorcyle or a piece of a car or what- I don't think it was a person... I hope. I really hate car accidents.

As for the rest of my day, a visit to campus (that included free parking!) culminated with an impromptu visit to the Regine Velasquez and Martin Nievera concert. It was a Filipino concert... that's about all I can say. Except that they both have exceptional voices.
posted by Nikki at 1:05 AM

Someone I knew died last night. She was hit by a drunk driver on her way home after PCN practice. The impact was supposedly so strong that her car exploded and the police had to have her body identified. We think (and hope) that she died on impact.

In memory of Cynthia Rabuy
Even though she wasn't among my closer friends, I knew her for the last five years and had come to respect all the hard work she devoted to the UCLA campus and to Samahang and it's constituents. She was supposed to graduate from UCLA this June. She was very involved on campus and had an unassuming, yet powerful, personality. Even though she had her opinions, she was the kind of person who would never deliberately wish harm on someone else. She was quiet-spoken, but strong with her words. She, and one other person, planned my P-Grad last year. She is the youngest of four sisters, at least two of whom are also UCLA alumni. I know by the way she lived her life that she's in a good place right now, but I pray that God gives comfort to her family and friends that are left behind.

Daily Bruin article about Cindy.

It leaves you with a lot to think about...

Live for today or plan for the future?
Why does it always seem to happen to those that deserve it the least?
Why work your butt off all the time when this could happen at any minute? What's the point?
How must her family feel? She was half a state away going to school. When was the last time they saw each other?

It's not surprising that a lot of people didn't get much work done today. Apparently word spread fast, and by this evening even alumni, including people living in the Bay Area, knew what had happened. It's sad when an impromptu reunion occurs at a church on a weekday evening and is caused by the death of someone we all knew.
posted by Nikki at 11:36 PM

I am very cranky right now.
Restaurants close way too fucking early in Orange County. I can't even get a decent sandwich at 9:30pm over here. What do they expect people who get off work late to do? Eat french fries all night? Fucking Orange County.
posted by Nikki at 11:48 PM

Vegas was pure fun. Florida was completely boring.

Seeing all the family and stuff for the party on Saturday night was cool. But then after that it was a conglomeration of driving and eating and driving and shopping and eating and driving and eating. It sucked. I lost all hope for any sort of "vacation" on the way to LAX, when I found out that we weren't renting a car. What a joy that made my last five days. See me bounce. Not.

What did I do? I sat in the backseat of a car (albeit a very nice Lexus SUV) while I was shuttled to and from various houses (of people who were supposedly family and who I supposedly knew) and restaurants, all the while "driving by" all the sights on the way so that I was sure not to miss them. Yup. I took in the sights... yesiree I did... from the backseat of a car. And when I wasn't sitting in the backseat of this car I was either eating or watching CNN/Fox News (or both at the same time, like I did during lunch today at the Blue Moon restaurant in Fort Lauderdale.) I am incredibly caught up on the current war affairs at the moment... Thanks to my completely uneventful family "vacation" in Florida. Yay. Someone should've shot me with a tranquilizer gun. I could've had more fun then. At least then I might've gotten some sort of buzz.

Oh! And then... I am covinced that I am the bringer of cold weather. Vegas was much, much cooler than it should've been, it was raining and windy in Florida, and now that I've come home it's raining here. And I was told that in each place, before I got there, they had about 80-90 degree weather. Hmmm... I love cold weather but I brought my damn bathing suit to these places for a reason! Dangit!

The only upsides to my trek through Florida... I came back with way more money than I left (thanks to a couple very generous aunts) and I also have a handy dandy neck-support pillow from Sharper Image to sleep upon as soon as I can get off this damn computer.
posted by Nikki at 11:58 PM