Warning: This is projected to be a very long post.

You know your room is filthy when you refuse to walk barefoot through it.
My typing skills increase incredibly when I've cut down my fingernails.

Book review
Easy by Emma Gold
It's amazing. This is book is written in practically the same style that I write in this blogger. It's also somewhat of a tough read because I can (unfortunately) relate to about 85% of what she writes about. It's definitely a book written for women (and men who are brave enough to delve this deep into womanhood) by a woman. It's great! Here is an excerpt:

"I'm telling you, the list of female curses is endless: vaginal farts, pantyliners, cellulite, arthritis from high heels, waxing, pregnancy, morning sickness, stretch marks, ante-natal depression, post-natal depression, facial hair, body hair, no tits, droopy tits, underwired bras that cut into your skin and have to be hand-washed, primary responsibility for contraception, sperm receptacle, passive call-waiting, inability to go to parks alone, inability to piss standing up against a wall, fear of rape (and it's all our fault for wearing a short skirt), domestic violence, discrimination at work, glass ceilings, halving your number of lovers and still being called a slut, fashion slavery, pelvic inflammatory disease.

And if you think all that is insignificant, then maybe some statistics will help: although women make up fifty per cent of the world's population, they perform nearly two-thirds of all working hours, receive only one-tenth of the world's income and own less than one per cent of world property...

Apart from anything else, it's bloody expensive being a woman. I reckon we should be paid L100 more than men a week across the board. I've worked out the actual monthly cost of being a woman and it's a horrifyingly expensive business: make-up, make-up bag, make-up remover, cotton wool, toner, cleanser, day cream, night cream, exfoliator, body moisturiser, self-tanning lotion, pantyhose, Tampax, sanitary towels, pantyliners, ruined underwear, supplies of chocolate, pain killers, birth control, prescription for antibiotics for cystitis, thrush cream, thrus pessary, bras, nail polish, nail polish remover, cuticle remover, hairdressers (at least three times the cost of a barber), dye to cover gray (unacceptable for women), hairspray, electricity for hairdryer, waxing, eyelash tinting, tweezers, manicures, pedicures, blackhead removing pads (new on the market - you didn't know you needed them before now), eyelash curlers, dry cleaning, Anusol suppositories (for the anal sex you had last night at his suggestion and for which you alone are now suffering), liposuction, breast augmentation, breast reduction (this is for a partcularly expensive month, I admit).

So now you can see why I am pissed off this week, and in general."

Emma Gold has got some very good insights on what it is to be a woman. For all you men out there who have the courage: READ IT.

My homework for this weekend is a sort of oxymoron. I don't want to do it, but I'll be incredibly happy and relieved if I do.

How possible is it for me to work freelance?

Now onto part of my homework... I guess I'll continue this post later. At the very least it'll save your eyes from exploding... as if I care.
posted by Nikki at 8:48 PM

I have this damn commercial jingle stuck in my head... Ice cream man (Ice cream man), Ice cream man (ding ding)... You really rock... Argh! Get it out of my head!

I was sad today. For the past few days it's been almost unbearingly hot. So I figured today would be the same... so I made plans to go to the beach after work. I woke up this morning and was all excited about being able to sit in the sun. I even wore my bathing suit underneath my work clothes and I planned my route after work about how I was going to get to the beach and how I could stop by a Barnes and Noble to pick up some beach reading on the way... So I count down the minutes till I can leave work and finally head towards the beach. Where I proceed to get stuck in God-awful Thursday afternoon traffic, which made my commute three times as long as I expected. And when I actually get to the beach it was cloudy and freezing! So much for my relaxing day in the sun... =(

I hate lying. Especially blatantly lying. It fucking sucks. I want out.
posted by Nikki at 10:15 PM

It doesn't matter how many times I watch it... and it doesn't matter that I knew how it ended way before I even watched it for the first time... that last episode of Dawson's Creek always makes me cry.

In the past, every time someone asked me what my goal or goals were, I would have one of two answers. I would either say that I didn't have any goals or I would say that my goal is just to be happy. The first one is the easy answer. It's easy to not have any goals, because then you can never let yourself down. You can only impress and surprise yourself. The second one, though, is the hardest goal a person can have, I think. Because first you have to know what makes you happy. Then you have to achieve it. But no matter what answer I gave to people, my goal has always and only been to be happy. Somehow, though, I'd forgotten about this goal over the last couple of years. I have lost sight of it before, but I have never completely forgotten it until now. But now that I remember it I realize that I have to do something that I'm not sure I want to do just yet. But I know that for me to be happy, I have to do it soon. The one thing I'm not sure of, though, is how to explain all this to the people I need to to do what I need to do to be happy.

Another thing I've come to realize in the last couple of days is what motivates me. Gene asked us a while ago what it is that motivates us. He was trying to find a way to motivate the people in the office to do better. He could only think of a few things for the people in the office. First, he broke it down into positive motivation (ie. telling someone "you did a great job!) and negative motivation (ie. telling us how we all sucked and how he knows we can do better.) Then he said that his motivation is money (or a shiny, red Corvette convertible- which is same thing to me, though.) He also knew that travel was someone else's motivation and that openning an office was Barbara's motivation. Then he asked me what motivated me and I couldn't answer him. I knew it wasn't money or travel or my own office, even. I've come to realize that what motivates me is experience. If you're trying to get me to do something I don't want to do, the best way to do it is by telling me that it'll be a great experience. I want to experience life and all the different things the world has in it. I want to try everything and see everything before I settle on just one or even a few things. This is exactly the reason why I can never settle down, because I always want to try something else. It's also the reason why I'm so interested in so many different things. How many girls do you know who loves to read sci fi, fantasy, romance, figure skating, and snowboarding books? And who loves snowboarding and figure skating and ballet and action movies and romantic comedies and Disney Channel movies and Disneyland all at the same time? Who loves to look at the stars on a clear night and sometimes wishes she were on one (even though I'd burn to death) while at the same time wants to go shoot arrows at a wall and punch a bag till her fingers are bleeding when she's mad? Who couldn't make up her mind between computer science, linguistics, anthropology, Japanese, and business when choosing a major until she was forced to choose one or never graduate? I'm in this life for the experience of it all. And I don't really care what happens to me along the way, so long as I get to live my life the way I want. It's a revelation that I'm flabbergasted I even had. And now I have to figure out how to use it to my advantage, because it could grow to be a very big disadvantage.
posted by Nikki at 10:31 PM

I'm think going to be sick.
posted by Nikki at 8:50 PM

Today I did the most emotionally normal thing I've done in almost a year- I called a friend and bitched.

Two of my friends have this uncanny way of contacting me right at the moment when I feel I've hit the bottom- and they instantly cheer me up just by doing so. Thanks guys.

It's so hypocritical that it costs an arm and a leg to seek help when you're on your own and really need it, but when you do have help to get it, it may be cheaper but it ruins your records for the rest of your life.

I want to stuff my face till I throw up.

Can someone please cut me into pieces, throw me in a box, and ship me somewhere? Anywhere?

I want out.
posted by Nikki at 8:02 PM

It was hot at the Ren Faire today! The sunscreen I put on probably saved me from getting third degree burns... but not by much! Ouch!

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.
posted by Nikki at 9:35 PM

I have a new sport! Archery! =)

The Rennaissance Fair was SO much fun today! I want to go back... and I want to dress up. And I did three rounds of archery (at $2 each, not bad. It was the cheapest thing I did there)... and I even hit the bull's eye once! Then I got to stand on a bale of hay as four guys cheered for me- and one held my hand. Hee! And I did the axe throw. I had 8 axes to throw. I finally got the fifth one to actually spin in the air- and then the seventh one I got to hit right in the center of the bull's eye- but then it fell out. =( But it was fun anyway. And I found that I really suck at throwing javelins. Next time I go back it's more archery for me. =) And I want to try the knife throw. Ooh! And there's an actor's troop called Sound & Fury that's SOOO good! Bawdy Shakespeare... Heh.

Yep, I love the Rennaissance Fair. I can't believe I waited 23 years to go to one!
posted by Nikki at 10:59 PM

One step closer each day...

I've been having these really weird dreams all week. Last night's dream had me stuck in a place I didn't want to be, because even though everyone was really nice to me I knew it was a sort of dangerous/wrong place- and they wouldn't let me leave. In the night before's dream, I walked into the office and Gene and Barbara were dressed as pirates... Yeah. And it was the day that we're supposed to be in full suited glory for interviews too... Erm... This is probably why I've been so exhausted all week... Even though I'm asleep I'm not getting any rest.

I stood within four feet of the Stanley Cup yesterday. Inside the Sears in the Buena Park mall of all places. It was actually a pretty cool thing to see... And if I'd wanted to touch it and kiss it and take a picture with it I could've stood in the hour long line to do so. But I didn't.

I really like Clay... and Rueben... But I like Kelly even better. And where did the marine go? Josh disappeared. Maybe they shipped him out when they realized he didn't win. Hahaha...
posted by Nikki at 8:55 PM

Okay, I have to say that I wasn't all that appeased by the way the last Buffy ever ended. Argh... I did like her cookie analogy, though. Hehehe... I'm like cookie dough. I'm not ready for anyone yet because I'm still baking. And when I come out of the oven all hot and fresh and yummy, then someone can ea- enjoy, the hot yumminess. =) It's a very applicable analogy.

I have issues. Lots of issues.
posted by Nikki at 9:19 PM

I've got a new favorite TV show! It's called What Not To Wear on BBC America. It's like a fashion makeover for people who have no sense of style. I think I need to go on this show. =) These two ladies basically tell you straight up what does and does not look good on you- as in cuts, colors, etc. For example: "That top looks horrible on her... her tits are hanging too low for it." Heehee!!!
posted by Nikki at 7:34 PM

Steal of the week: $4.99 pajama set from Victoria's Secret.

So I saw Matrix: Reloaded yesterday... The movie itself was alright. I liked X2 much better, but Matrix had really good action scenes. The plot was eh. Of course, the whole concept of the Matrix itself is pretty mind-boggling. In my case, I'd find some way to hack into the Matrix's programming and add about eight zero's to my bank account balance. Then I'd continue living in the Matrix... with a few extra million dollars to my name. ;-) Red pill or blue?

So... I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life in the next few years. And I really want to do it. Today, Gene and Barbara were talking about how a lot of the recent grad resume calls we've talked to are taking off on vacation after graduation. Barbara and I were saying that it makes sense for them to want to take a month or so off before getting into the "real world." (I remember wanting to do that way back when.) But then Gene was complaining that, "after working so hard in college, they've just got to go and take a month- or six- off." He said he's never taken a month off in his life. I don't ever want to be that person. As much as people love their jobs, life should not be about working all the time. What's the point of working if you're never able to actually enjoy the products of it? Life exists to be lived. How you live it is up to you. I want to be able to say that I lived my life to the fullest... taking advantage of what I was able to at a time when it was the best for me. In my case, that means I want to do certain things before I get "tied down" with the various responsibilities you gather as you grow up. This includes having kids or a husband- or even a boyfriend. (This is the only time I'll be happily single.) It also includes having rent or a mortgage to pay for... or even a car payment to worry about. This all means that I'm going to stop saving that $40,000 for my car and start saving for this instead. And in the meantime, I've got to figure out when to do what to accomplish my goal before January of 2006.
posted by Nikki at 11:10 PM

There's something I want very badly, but for me to get it I'd have to basically change everything about my current life for the next two years. My horoscope says I shouldn't make any final decisions before May 20th... But I really want this. The only thing is, am I prepared to do what I need to get it?
posted by Nikki at 11:57 PM

Nicole, your Key Motivator, the thing that really drives you to success in life, is Curiosity.

Based on your answers about values, past behaviors, and internal priorities, we can tell you look for ways to be independent, to understand how things work, to have new and diverse experiences, or to explore sexuality. In addition, you may find that you're also motivated by aspects of prestige, stability, connection, and experience.
posted by Nikki at 11:42 PM

What's your driving alter ego?

Adventurous

Whether you're driving behind the wheel of a car or driving toward what makes you happiest in life, you're the type of person who seeks new adventures and ways of exploring the world. If the highway is clogged with people going one way, you're probably not afraid to sneak off at the next exit, explore the area, then find an alternative route by asking the people you run into on the streets. And why wouldn't you?

Life is filled with endless paths. And it's just your style to take the time to try them out. If you had your choice, you'd likely pick the simple pleasures in life: the steel-blue dusk sky, sun-warmed hair, wrapping yourself in a blanket of stars. Sure, this means that you can sometimes get down over the daily chores of life. But when that happens all you need to do is hop into your car and get your adventurous personality driving you to a better place.
posted by Nikki at 9:41 PM

Awww... I miss Suburban Legends. Such happy music.

I'm going to the Rennaissance Fair next weekend! Yay!!!

Lakers suck.

Why am I up this late again?

I drove for an hour and ten minutes this afternoon, from OC to my office. I spent 45 of those minutes mostly asleep. At 40 miles per hour. At least I wasn't going 80...
posted by Nikki at 11:16 PM

I watched the first episode of Dawson's Creek from my dorm room in Courtside. It was the first quarter of my freshman year of college. I remember watching it almost every week with Cindy... and during my second year in Canyon Point, I remember watching it from my dorm room with Cherryl, while hearing the rest of my house out in the lounge gasping and laughing at the same time as I was. Tonight, I watched the last episode of Dawson's ever- alone, from my bedroom in my parent's house. I know it's cheesy, but during the past six years I feel like I've gone through the same growth that they have... growing up and experiencing everything that comes with it. And even though I've only seen two-thirds of the episodes, it's not too surprising that I went through half of a box of tissue during the past two hours, considering the connection I feel. This last episode really is symbolic of a chapter of my life ending. It's like the remote control changed the channel of my life right when the episode ended.

This last Dawson's also made me think of the people that have affected my life in the past six years... all the friends I made at UCLA, the friends I've known since forever, and the people who've entered and left my life since. Jen's death kept making me think of Cindy. The way Jen handled herself reminded me so much of Cindy's family... and their incredible-ness. (They really are an awesome family. I keep saying this, but I know that my family could never have handled that same situation anywhere near the way they did.) In fact, I could almost match a name for every Dawson's character to someone in my life... Me being the confused, frustrating, yet always loveable Joey- of course. =)

Sometimes I wish I could do it all again. This time I know I'd take more time to appreciate everything I was going through- the good and the bad. And yes, I would do some things differently. I think I would take more chances- especially with my relationships, both platonic and romantic... and I'd be more honest with myself and with others. I'd work harder to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I'd also get more involved on and off campus... take more time to help others, instead of pouting and whining about myself and my problems. I'd pay more attention to what was going on in the world around me and take a stance. I'd learn how to set goals and reach them. And I wouldn't let my questions of "what if?" stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I would've paid off my bills before graduation. And then I would've worked long and hard enough to save enough money to take a year off and backpack through Europe. Yeah, if I had the chance... I would do it all over again.

"And the triangle becomes a square." -Dawson

Dreams come true... not free.
posted by Nikki at 10:45 PM

My throat hurts. Stupid Lakers. Stupid Horry. Stupid stupid stupid. They should've won that game.

My left shoulder hurts too, even if I don't move it... I dunno if it's from over-working out on Satuday or not. I keep going on these crazy trips where I'm thinking I'm having a heart attack. Talk bout paranoid.

Ow throat. Ow shoulder. I am just an old woman.
posted by Nikki at 10:03 PM

Geez... why do I always find something to distract myself so that I end up staying up WAY later I wanted to.

I still want food.

And I'm still in the rebellion mode.
posted by Nikki at 11:07 PM

I'm hungry. And my stomach hurts. And it's very definitely NOT PMS.

Sometimes I wonder... what does a random stranger, who happens to find my blogs, think of me after reading them? I wonder how I come off in here... I only post when I'm in extreme moods... either depression, boredom, or excitement. Or if I happen to find something I find particularly interesting and want to remember it. So how does that make my personality seem to people who've never had the chance to meet me in person? Anyway... stupid questions.

Lesson of the night:
Ketchup is supposed to prevent high blood pressure and cholesterol and prostate cancer??? WTF? It's supposedly the red stuff in tomatoes that's good for you. The more colorful the fresh fruit and veggies you eat, the better they are for you. Huh. Interesting.

I'm still hungry.
posted by Nikki at 10:48 PM

Interesting...

Nicole, your destiny is to be an Advisor

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As an advisor, you are a quiet and reserved person who loves to help others achieve their potential through interpersonal connections. Others value you for your wisdom, integrity, and sound advice, as well as your genuine concern for people's welfare. You are a thoughtful person, trust your gut feeling about things, and have extremely acute intuition. You are somewhat of a poet in your way of thinking, finding beauty and meaning in simple things. Because of your sensitivity and soft-spoken ways, you may experience mood swings and the inability to get out of bad situation from time to time. Just be aware of that and you will get stuck in fewer unsatisfying ruts.
-Emode.com
posted by Nikki at 1:09 PM

Random boy: Who's he?

Brian: Um... That's a difficult question to answer, given the capabilities of the language and the conventionality of most people's thinking. Let's just say that... he's the guy I fuck more than once.

Justin: Unlike you. :-)

QAF, episode 309
posted by Nikki at 11:05 PM

To put it simply: I'm in denial (or to put it more truthfully- refusal) of living in the working world. I hate it. I want an open schedule. I want to do what I want, when I want. I want to be able to take off to New York or DC or London or fucking Paris on a moment's notice. I want to work when I feel like it and not work when I feel like it. I want the freedom to choose.

I've known for a while now that I really spoiled myself while in college. Or actually... I've always spoiled myself. And now when I actually have to do real-world work I don't want to. Even when I have a job with one of the most open schedules possible- actually, not really if I want to earn any money- I fucking want to keep spoiling myself. Damnit. Either give me a winning lottery ticket or throw me off a bridge. I won't settle for anything else.

It might've been a bad idea going to Vegas with Marie... because now I keep thinking about staying in suites and driving nice cars and having people treat you like you've got a million dollar credit to your name. I want it... and whenever I get less I get frustrated because I don't get what I want. I'm like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I told you I'm in refusal of living in the real world.

I think I should've been born as a fictional character instead of a real person. Because I keep feeling like I'm living like someone who's not really alive. I belong in the pages of a book somewhere instead of trying to plod along in this world. That's why I liked reading books so much when I was younger... because I could always put myself in some other world and forget about the one I'm in right now.




If it weren't for my sense of responsibility towards those I care about I would've given up long ago. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel so obligated towards others.
posted by Nikki at 10:30 PM

Last night's entry (from when the Blogger site was down AGAIN):

I hate it when my parents come home. I'm having a nice, relaxing, Saturday evening at home and then they have to come home and ruin it all. I swear my blood pressure doubles just by the sight of them. I think I really need out of this house.

I cooked tonight! And I did it without a recipe! Yay me. I boiled some pasta for a couple minutes, poured some really expensive spaghetti sauce in a flat corningware, added shredded pieces of chicken and the pasta, and baked it for fourty minutes with a foil cover. (Stirring once halfway though.) After the fourty minutes were up I cut up chunks of mozzarella (lots of it!) and covered the top of the pasta. Then I toasted some bread and made bread crumbs to spread all over and then I added a bit of Italian seasoning. Lastly, I stuck it back in the oven for five minutes to melt the cheese and toast the bread crumbs some more. It came out yummy! And then I ate it with some grape/peach spritzer from Trader Joe's and Pretty Woman, which was showing on the WB tonight. It was the best home-cooked dinner I've had at home in a long time. And it was so relaxing until those fuckers came home.

I need to live alone.
posted by Nikki at 10:08 PM

I have to admit, I am a Hillary Duff (Lizzie Maguire) fan. That girl makes me wish I was her! Dang over-talented 15 year olds.

I am such a closet pop culture addict. Maybe if I come out of the closet I can get that dream job working for an incredibly successful production company... or something.

I went out last Saturday night. It was a very weird feeling to be at the movies on a Saturday night- even though I was with my cousins. I haven't gone out in such a long time that I think I get freaked out when I do go because I'm not used to it anymore. I had that feeling of wanting to run back to my car to hide. How sick is that? It's no wonder I haven't met anyone since I was at UCLA. I swear I left something really important behind on campus... but I can't quite figure out what it was... My courage maybe?! Argh.
posted by Nikki at 10:48 PM

I just read a scene by scene breakdown of the Dawson's series finale... it had me crying and clapping throughout the whole thing. Awww!!!
posted by Nikki at 11:14 PM

OMG. I just found a page and a half long summary of the Buffy series finale. A week before it airs. Fuck... I am NOT going to read it. I am NOT going to read it. I am NOT going to read it. It's like last year when I'd see scripts of the episodes a month before it even aired.

This year's season/series finales are SO good.

Now I have to go look up Dawson's spoilers.
posted by Nikki at 10:16 PM

Ow, my shoulder.

Tonight's Dawson's was so AWWW!!! I can't believe it's almost over. And on Angel, I can't believe he gave up his son!

Man, I'm just gonna go to sleep and dream.
posted by Nikki at 10:04 PM

Yay! I just finished traffic school! It's a good thing, too, cause I need to turn in the certificate by the 15th...

I had two dizzy spells today where I almost fell backwards... I was actually falling backwards and had to grab something so that I wouldn't hit anything... Like the toilet... Or the edge of my desk... Eh...?

I have a headache again.

But I got home early today. =) And I completed everything on my to-do list from Sunday except getting a car wash- and not from lack of trying either. The stupid car wash was closed for construction. I either have to go somewhere else this weekend or wash it myself. The horror! Plus, I even got to add a couple things and complete them too... It's so much fun going home when the sun is still up!

Ow... my head...

Oh, and tonight's Buffy... Eh, it was alright. The part where everyone was getting well acquainted was pretty interesting- and well done- though. Heh. I especially like the part where Buffy asked Spike to stay and "just hold me." Awww! I need one of those! Next week's looks pretty good, though. Only two more weeks to go... *sniff sniff *
posted by Nikki at 9:24 PM

I think I'm rebelling from all those 12 and 13 hour work days... because now I've only got one 12 hour workday this week and the rest range from six to ten hours... It's nice to have all this time off- except that now I'm not making any money!

The issued business list came out today... I'm the top third producer of my office. Slightly sad, but still... woohoo!

Fuck... how'd it get to be midnight already? I gotta be back in the office in nine hours. And I still want cereal. GRRR.

Would you say that I'm aggressive?
posted by Nikki at 11:57 PM

Okay, so I'm in the middle of online traffic school right now and I see this: "Horse-drawn vehicles and riders of horses or other animals are entitled to share the road with you." Interesting... and where? In Amish country maybe...

ARGH!!! Stupid online traffic school is supposed to be available 24 hours a day. But it just died on me right now saying that I don't have access. GRRRR!!! I need to get this done ASAP because I have to send in my certificate so they get it by the 15th- which is in nine days. Fuck.

I want cereal. We have no milk. All the grocery stores in my area close in ten minutes. I hate Orange County.
posted by Nikki at 10:51 PM

I hate it when Blogger goes dead for the evening... especially when the evening is right now (now being 2am) and I end up having to publish this in the morning instead.

My last two hours' romp through the wild, vacuous internet found me reading this (and no, it's not from a book... supposedly):

Her first words were that I had much more stamina than my father. I nearly died!!! The idea of fucking someone my father fucked was disgusting to me beyond belief. It ruined the entire evening. Then I was overcome with terror. Had I just fucked my Dad’s mistress? Is my father’s wrath to ruin my life? My imagination ran wild. I could not scramble for my clothing fast enough.

I sat alone in terror on the jet for what seemed like hours awaiting the return of my Dad, Justin, and the rest of them from the party. I was in terror for the entire flight back to San Francisco. Between episodes of terror I felt like shit for failing at my goal of celibacy until marriage. I felt like a boy toy-used and discarded. I felt dirty. I felt stupid. I still do.

It's interesting to hear how the other half of America lives... If you want to know more here's the link: http://www.geocities.com/horny_boy_diary/

You think if I sent a letter to the 500 richest people in the world asking for $50,000 just cause I wanted it, I'd be able to raise at least $5 million? Hmmm... It's a thought. For someone who's worth over $10 million that'd be chump change to them.

I think I screwed myself over when my head ended up being unscrewed for the past week and I forgot to take my "medication" at the appropriate times... Aw crap.

Fuck. There's so much more I want to say but I've fucking got to get to bed.
posted by Nikki at 10:49 AM

I keep getting these stupid "Come back to AOL" CD's. I'm starting to feel like I should sign up just to get them to stop sending me crap- although I am appreciating the free CD cases.

God must really love me, cause for the past two weeks I've spent more time asleep than awake while driving and, for some odd reason, I'm still alive.

I used to daydream a lot when I was younger and I wish I could say that I grew out of it... but instead I think my delusions of granduer just grew along with me. And so I'll say that I want to have an unlimited amount of money available to me so that I can take a year off life and travel through Europe... and then I want to come back and only work because I want to work- which means that page job at Sony studios that pays $8/hr is so gonna be mine.

Tomorrow:
oil change
car wash
gym
shower
meeting
exchange cellphone
tutor
traffic school

And I guess food should belong somewhere in there as well...
posted by Nikki at 12:33 AM

I love Blogger...

Too much piano playing makes my knuckes hurt... which kind of scares me. I never had any problems with my knuckles hurting when I used to play before. If anything, my forearms might get a little sore, but that's it. Now, all the knuckles on my right hand hurt... and my right pinky is is killing me as well. Damn that Gershwin and his Rhapsody in Blue... And all the other sheet music I played for the last four hours.

I need to go rest my hands now.
posted by Nikki at 11:48 PM

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too young to have chosen my particular career path. A part of me thinks I should've taken the time to explore and travel and experience as much as I can while I can. (Barbara's question of "So why aren't you seeing someone right now?" after I told her about my past couple year's social history comes to mind.) Bit then another part of me thinks that I should be taking the "responsible" path by having a job and climbing the ladder, yadda yadda yadda, and worrying about the other stuff later. And then my question of "What if later becomes too late?" comes in...

As much as I hate cancellations, this last week has been a very welcome respite. I could feel the burnout coming and I'm glad I was able to rekindle, even if only a little bit. My only wish for this weekend is to sit on a bench at a particular beach and read a particular book. It's too bad it's supposed to rain...

At this moment, about two-thirds of me wants to shut down. I want to able to sit and do nothing for a week- at least. Do nothing, think nothing, and just basically be...

And then I remember that I have to complete my eight hours of online traffic school before a warrant is put out for my arrest. I really hate life sometimes.



Okay, so I know I've never been one to closely follow rules, I've always been more of the rebellion type... So is that what's going on with me?

And why is it that I can't seem to focus on more than one part of my life at a time? Especially when it seems that everyone else out there is having no problems doing it.

The sad thing is realizing that you really want to go watch a movie on a Friday night, but that you have no one you could ask to go with you (except your parents)... They all either live too far away or already have a life to attend to or there are certain other complications involved in that one innocent request.

Why has my dad suddenly decided it's time for spring cleaning at 11 o'clock at night?

Why the hell am I still awake when I have to be back in the office at 9am tomorrow morning?

I'm reminded of the times back at school when I would purposely take on too many things and push myself harder than I should have so that I would run myself into the ground, thus making myself physically incapable of doing anything for a period of time. I'm so tempted to do that again... (It saves you on the self-imposed guilt trip of just plain copping out.)
posted by Nikki at 11:38 PM