Nikki's World
I'm not wise and I'm not all-knowing, but the things I've experienced and the thingsI've exposed myself to have taught me that the possibilities in life are endless, which is why I truly believe that we can do anything- if we only put our mind to it. |
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I'm not okay I'm not okay Well, I'm not okay I'm not o-fucking-kay I'm not okay I'm not okay How does it get to be so late without me realizing it? Yesterday was awful. Today started out bad. Fortunately, today got slightly better as the day went on. Thanks to Marie and Jackie for being phone buddies this morning. I really needed it. One thing I appreciated tonight: I think I caught a guy's attention. At least, that's what it seems like when they follow you into a practice room and sit and sing while you play. And then they do that looking out of the corner of their eye thing during rehearsal. He's not someone I'd ever be interested in, but it was nice being reminded of something you haven't had in years. On the drive home I realized the only reason I'd even noticed was because of how unfamiliar the feeling was. It was weirdly pleasant and I'm grateful for the reminder. Especially since I've spent the last four days contemplating how emotionally closed off I am. Monday, November 22, 2004
Saturday, November 20, 2004
It's been a long time. I'm no longer dreading the move. Now I'm just sad about leaving. There's so much being left behind, but I know this is something I need to do for me. It struck me in the shower today that I've always known I'd go away. I never did quite fit in around here. I say that I plan to come back after a couple years, but in truth, I don't know. I can see myself back here, but not for some time. I don't see myself staying in New York for too long either, but who really knows about that? As much as I'm going to miss this place and the people I care for here, it feels right to be moving. It's the only reason I can give for going and it's not something I can explain to others. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud. People ask me if I'm excited to go. My answer is not really. So they ask me why, then, am I moving? The answer is because it feels right. Sounds ludicrous. But there it is. It doesn't mean it's not hard, though. There's a lot I'm leaving behind. And every day I'm reminded of something else I'm going to miss. But it just feels like this is my next step in whatever the universe has in store for me. My instincts haven't led me wrong yet, so I just have to keep trusting that something in me knows what it's doing.  |