I'm in love. Really, truly and for the first time ever. Boy do I hope my mom doesn't read this.

I've never found a relationship this simple or this fullfilling before. It's kind of scary how right it feels. But I promised myself I wouldn't second-guess myself. I've spent the last twelve years teaching myself how to trust my instincts. And my instincts this time are telling me I want this to last forever. Forever with a house and kids and library and gameroom. Ha. How's that for getting ahead of myself?

Yes, a lot of my posts in the last few months alluded to what led up to today. Or rather, what led up to two weeks ago today. Two weeks ago right now almost, actually. =)

Okay, so I can't seem to get the silly grin off my face. Which can be a little distracting when you're walking the streets of New York, trying to discourage people from talking to you instead of the opposite. Nor can I stop myself from thinking about him every hour... half hour... oh hell. Every time my mind isn't occupied with more immediate, mundane, I-need-to-get-this-done-right-now tasks.

I realize I've laid a lot out for this guy. I've never given so much of myself to anyone. If he wanted, he could well and truly break me. But I'm finding that I don't care. I think we're worth it. Sappy, I know. Bite me. I trust him. I trust him more than I trust me. He's an amazing person who I've admired for far longer than I've loved. And yet it feels like I've loved him forever. Oh yeah. There's that sappiness again.

The odd part is I feel as if I don't love him as much as I could - yet. There's still so much more for me to learn about him. And I look forward to it. And I look forward to the day when we live within driving distance of each other.

I'm trying my hardest not to go nuts not seeing him for weeks at a time. Hell, it's only been a week since he left, although it seems much, much longer. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next three weeks. Geez. Three weeks. I have no clue how Ryan did it. At least he was only a six hour drive away as opposed to a twelve hour drive/two and a half hour flight. Argh. My strategy is to not think about it. I'm good at denial. I'm just not gonna think about it. Then I'll start the countdown when I have to do laundry to pack. That should be just enough time to drive me really insane.

I feel like the cheesiest, corniest person alive. But I really never believed anything could feel this incredible before. I just feel lucky, loved, appreciated, cared for and admired. And I want to give everything back to him that he gives to me. Times ten. That's all... Or not. I could go on for a really long time, but even I'd get sick of myself after a while...
posted by Nikki at 8:44 PM

Okay, so I tried posting on LJ. And then when I hit 3 in one hour I tried stopping. So I moved on to MySpace. Done there. So now I'm here. This is an awful day. Made worse by an awful night. I just want to go and collapse. Preferably on a bed that't not mine. Preferably on a king size bed that's got better support and lots of pillows and 800 thread count egyptian cotton sheets. And preferably I'd get to wallow in it for about 36 hours before coming up for air.

Oh, to dream.

Sometimes you gotta wonder what's it all about? Why the hell am I where I am? My simple answer is, because I made a choice. I could make other choices and change things. Or I could just sit and stagnate and do nothing. It's so much easier to do nothing. But doing nothing does not lead to a happy life.

There were days in L.A. that I'd be driving down Wilshire thinking to myself "Wow, I'm here. I'm in this beautiful, awesome place and people all over the world are wishing they could be me." Then I'd get similar feelings while walking through Boston, Seattle, Chicago, New Orleans, DC, San Diego, etc. Never once have I gotten that feeling about New York. Walking the streets of those other cities, I'm always able to pick the vibe of the place. It's exhilirating and exciting to be outdoors, soaking in the weather (whatever it may be), and taking in the sights and sounds of a particular city. I just can't seem to revel in New York's version of it. Maybe because I'm too distracted trying not to breathe in second-hand smoke. Or trying not to get run over by not only the yellow cars, but also the people scurrying down the sidewalks. Or trying to ignore the ugly, smelly guy on the corner who musters all the sleaze he can find in himself to say "Hey pretty lady" as I walk by. Every now and then I feel an inkling of the wonder I get when in other cities and it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, it'll all work out. But I'm staring to think maybe I'm just being a little too optimistic now (which is not a normal thing for me). Yeah.

New York is too crowded and too hostile to make you feel a part of anything except mass stress and frustration.
posted by Nikki at 10:09 AM

It's been a while since I've been this shade of depressed. Thought it'd gone away back in January, with the prescription. Guess not. Or maybe this is just my normal PMS state of being and my body's finally back to normal. Yay I'm no longer chemically imbalanced? Ha...

They closed the library for the holiday weekend. Apparently, the new summer hours for the Hoboken library don't include weekends. Well, gee, thanks for screwing the working people over. Do they think only kids use the library here? Shoot, maybe they do. I think everyone else in Hoboken can afford to buy the books they want to read.

Someone delete my depressing mp3s. They aren't making things better.

It's not like I have a reason to feel this way. Which is why I choose to believe it's PMS related. Because if not then I really have a problem. But really, my life doesn't suck that much. Shit, it hardly sucks at all - aside from the being broke and not knowing what I want to do next with my life parts.

There are a lot of considerations when you're thinking about grad school. Do I really want it? If so, why? What am I going to do with an MBA? More importantly, five to ten years from now, what do I want out of my life?

I think that one's a little easier to address. The answer is: I want to have a husband, a kid or two, a home, and some sort of career. In that order. The question is, what career do I want and how much of myself do I want to give to it? I already know that when I have kids I want to be there for them. Not like my parents who gave me more than I should have gotten, but were hardly there to spend time with me.

So the question is, is it worth getting an MBA? Do I foresee myself really using it once I have a family? Ideally, no. But your dreams don't usually come true. Somehow, I can't see myself balancing a real job with kids. And by real job I mean being a Director or VP or something. Because if I get my MBA that's exactly where I'd want to be. Well, the VP or SVP part eventually, and the Director part sooner.

Shoot, when did I get old enough to need to have these kind of thoughts?
posted by Nikki at 8:45 PM

Excitement. My heart's been beating a little faster every day lately. It's been a long time. If ever...

There's a lot to consider in life. I used to feel overwhelmed to the point of inaction. Now sometimes I just feel overwhelmed to the point of hopelessness. As you get older, the stakes get higher. Instead of just you, there's others to consider.

My problem has always been too many open doors. I know only a spoiled and priveliged person can say that, but it's still the truth. Then, when you think certain doors are locked, they spring open again, only to disrupt your careful elimination of the possibilities. Oh boo hoo. I have too many choices. At least I have them.

At the same time, I feel held back. Is this supposed to motivate me to move forward? It's not working.

I'm getting closer to the holding pattern again. I was in the holding pattern while living with the parents after graduation. I finally escaped when I moved. And now I can feel myself slowly inching back in. It's time to get moving again.

And then the decisions come back to haunt you.
posted by Nikki at 6:09 PM