This place used to be my safe space. I'm not sure whether it still is, but I'm going to go there anyway.

There's always been something, this feeling, inside me. It's like there's something in me and I don't know what it is, but I know it's there. And at the most random times it makes me sad. Usually there's a reason I'm sad, whether it's because of something I saw on TV or read in a book. But the sadness is always more than just that. Those things are just the trigger. And I can't figure out what the real reason is.

I mean, I've whined and cried and yelled before about all those Freudian, psychological things like my parents weren't emotionally there for me as a child blah blah blah. But I don't think it's anyone else's problem. Or, it's not a problem that was caused by someone else. There's just something about me. Maybe it's disappointment, I don't know.

But I'm not sure what I could be disappointed about. For all purposes, my life is great - or as great as I could expect it to be under the current circumstances. And I'm doing what I think is right to get to where I want to go.

Maybe I think I'm missing something. Actually, I know I'm missing something, because I can't figure this out. But maybe I'm forgetting about something I've always wanted to do, yet can't remember at the moment. Although I can't really think of that either. I always wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up, but it's not something I wanted so much that I devoted my entire life to getting it. Nor did I want to.

I'm going to go on a tangent here and say, after reading some posts from back in college, my writing has improved a whole lot. Sure, I still end sentences with prepositions. And I still start sentences with conjunctions, but hey, at least I can string ideas together and come out with something somewhat coherent.

So I don't know what this thing is that's buried deep in me, that makes me ultimately sad at the end of the day. And I don't want someone to pity me or sympathize or empathize with me. And I don't want someone to say they wish they could help me, because while that may be true, there isn't much anyone but me can do. And I guess it's gonna remain stuck in there until I one day have a nervous breakdown and it all just comes gushing out. Hopefully when that day comes I won't have a gun in hand.
posted by Nikki at 6:58 PM