Hmm... It's been an interesting ride recently. I realize there is a lot about me on the internet. I could never run for public office. Lol. Still, I have nothing to be ashamed of where my actions and thoughts are concerned. Whether they were good or bad, they were mine and I lived them, learned from them, and moved on.

Over the last couple months I've slowly felt myself returning to the old me: the confident, aware, and active young woman who was willing to take risks and go where life led her.

I'm not quite sure when she went away, but I think it was somewhere around 3rd or 4th year. Rejection, stress and overwork tend to make you withdraw, I guess.

I never thought about things in hours per week until tonight. Tonight I was completing the first part of one of my grad school applications. It asked me to break down into hours per week/month/year that I spent on particular extracurricular activities. PCN came to about 30 hours per week towards the end. Then you add real work and actual school - and then homework, if I ever did any - and you see why my DPR shows a really bad spring quarter for most of my 5 years of college. Ha. I always refused to look the obvious in the eye, until now. Somewhere inside I knew PCN was killing my grades, and my sanity, but I didn't care. And actually, if I had to do it all over again, I'd do even more. Having learned how short life can be and how often we waste it, I wish I'd spent more time doing the things I love. Class be damned. Lol. The only thing that matters is that you graduate, right? Right.

Anyway, speaking of the person I'm re-discovering... Walking down 8th Avenue tonight, this thought came into my head: I'm up to my old tricks again. How I do and don't wish that were true! *snicker* One the one hand, it feels great to feel free again. On the other hand, wasn't there a reason why I stopped in the first place? Yes, there was. ...Oh well.

I've missed this me. This is the me that caused so much drama all those years. Who knew her power and wielded it, well, not well, but just wielded it. Used it. Savored it. And of course, got into trouble because of it, but hey, what's life without a little bit of excitement? I thought I was done with this me, but I guess not. She's back. And she's ready to party.

So the world, and certain people especially, had better watch out. Because this me is mean and selfish and spoiled and willing to do practically anything to get what she wants.
posted by Nikki at 8:53 PM