REFLECTIONS OF LIFE

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

When asked about relations with Rwanda, President Clinton said: "She's lying. I never laid a hand on her."

The good news is the Republican Congress's economy is creating millions of new jobs every year. The bad news is they're all telemarketers.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't manufacture a pair of men's socks that stay up.

I wonder if Paula Jones will go bact to her old ways of making money, or did her right-wing backers provide her with financial security?

To ensure economic prosperity, ancient civilization would sacrifice a virgin by throwing her in a volcano. Nowadays, the job qualifications are less stringent, and she merely has to work as a White House intern.

Nostalgia makes me long for the good old days.

The best things about Ronald Reagan's presidency is that we won't have to be bothered with his memoirs.

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?

Every time we see Ken Starr on TV he is walking outside some place. Doesn't he have a real office?

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EMBARRASSED

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained. "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanationto her irate hsuband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

MY FATHER-IN-LAW

A man was complaining to his friends about his visiting father-in-law. "I didn't mind when he wore my clothes, smoked my cigars, drank my whiskey, and drove my car. But when he sits at the dinner table and laughs at me with my own teeth, that's too much."

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MOMMIE AND DADDY

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and paly."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny. feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notoces a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one figure on the escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in other places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once.

9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologize that to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

15) Do unto others, then run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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SAYINGS

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

* I almost has a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kicken' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . . . . .

* 24 hours is a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

* Boycott shampoo! Demand the Real poo!

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Corduroy pillow: They're making headlines!

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who beleive in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.