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CLEANING HOUSE

I clean my house according to some simple principles that are easy to remember:

1) If you have just stepped on something and danced around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up again.

2) If you find your scissors by feeling around your dining room table until you feel something hard of the correct shape, it's time to clear off a few things.

3) If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might think about throwing away some of those leftovers.

4) If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick it up with more hair than is currently attached to your head, it's time to sweep.

5) If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the state of your yard, you might consider cutting the grass - but only if you've failed to buy them off with a doll dress or two.

6) When sorting newspaper, ask yourself of anyone asked for it in the last six months (or the last time you sorted, whichever comes later). If no one has, throw it out.

7) If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, it's time to mop.

8) If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when you wake them up in the morning, it's time to have them clean their rooms - use new doll dresses or Power Ranger stuff as incentives.

9) If you haven't seen the floor of your car a week because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and 'wash me' is written in the dust on the outside of the car, it's time to take the hint.

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TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. Hmmm, I think it's out of fluid

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish

3. It's an entry-level position

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair, I do all the work while she just sits there!

REDNECK BUD BUDDIES

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cletus, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

Bubba, said, "lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish A-drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking', okay?" said Cletus.

When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin?"

"No sir," said Cletus. "We're on the patch."

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A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! . . . Aim!! . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard bring the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! . . . Aim!! . . ."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last request. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! . . . Aim!! . . ."

. . . and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

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ACCIDENT:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautuful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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LETTER HOME:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

THE REPLY:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOough to keep even an hoNOr busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad