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WHAT CAUSES IT?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with re lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, to much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting compay time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. i firmly beleive that Bab can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executuve management, and proposal will be executed as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Project Leader

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, . . .) for my true assessement of him.

Regards-

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A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?" A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"

The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog." The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! he's bigger than my car!" The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my chihuahua."

Ray was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Ray decided to invest his money in a small, bur growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interescing. But at the end of the interview, Ray asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Ray got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Ray again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Ray was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the yound man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Ray was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in thw world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

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HOW OLD AM I?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "Ok, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the many says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."