Beavis: (in Cornholio voice) Are you looking for a good 2-ply sheet of T.P. for your bunghole? SO AM I! (runs off yelling about T.P. for his Bunghole) I am CORNHOLIO! I come from Nicaraugua by Lake Titi-caca.....!
Announcer: Yes, We know where you can get T.P. for your Bunghole, Cornholio!
Beavis: Are you threatening me? Do not make my Bunghole angry!
Announcer: I'm not threatening your Bunghole, Beavis...uh.. Cornholio. New: T.P.-For-Your-Bunghole-Toilet Paper. Now when you have a Cornholio attack, use T.P.-For-Your- Bunghole-Toilet Paper. For information on stores near you that carry T.P.-For-Your-Bunghole: Call: 1-800-TP-ForMe!
(new commercial) Geraldo: Kids, Ladies and Gentlemen, Don't use drugs...they suck... Announcer: This has been a Public service announcement. (New Commercial)
ANNOUNCER: THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS A PAID COMMERCIAL AND DOES NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF TODAY'S EPISODE OF MST3k. In fact...it has nothing to do with MST3k at all...so screw you...
(Tom: What the heck?)
(Crow: I'm Confused!)
(Joel: I think the mads are really going too far!)
(Tom: Yeah, at least our last horrible experience didn't involve INFOMERCIALS!)
(Cheesy music starts, audience is cheering)
Tony Little: (Yelling) HI! I'M TONY LITTLE!
Nancy Riddle: (Normal tone) I'm Nancy Riddle.
Tony: AND THIS IS THE LITTLE-RIDDLE SHOW! (Elevator Muzak theme song music plays while Tony brings over really fat people to try out his new "Torture devices" for overweight people) NOW! TODAY WE HAVE REALLY FAT PEOPLE ON THE SHOW! (a pretty woman runs out and Tony Grabs her butt, and she runs away again!) NOW! BACK TO THE SHOW! NANCY! INTRODUCE OUR REALLY FAT GUESTS TODAY.
Nancy: Sure Tony! Today we have Marlon Brando, Luciano Pavarotti, Hungry Jack, Principal Mr. McVicker, Tom Bosley, Wilford Brimley, Frank Connif,
(Crow: FRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Nancy: (Still giving names) Rosanne Barr, Ed Bolind, Ex-World-Sumo Wrestler Champion Ho-Sung Pak who did Liu Kang's Voice in MK2, Miss Quartier, and Laddie.
Tony: OK YOU FAT PEOPLE! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? LET'S START WITH YOU BRANDO!
Marlon: (In that Godfather voice) Hey Tony, Ya see.. I've been eating too many twinkies, I've tried to stop, but I just can't!
Pavarotti: (Opera Voice to "Figaro"; symphony plays in the back ground) I have been eating to mu--uuch food, To-o-o-o-ny! (symphony stops)
Hungry: (in his voice) I can't help it Tony, I'm Just Hungry!
(Crow: These people aren't fat, they're "Oh-my-God! It's-moving- towards-us!")
(Joel: That's not very nice you guys, some people are overweight and they can't help it, even if it IS funny to laugh at them!)
(Tom: [in a faked surprised tone of voice] JOEL!)
McVicker: (trembles and shakes) Uh.. uh... I really don't think I'm all that fat Tony...but I shake a lot because of those two delinquents...B'b'b'Beavis and B'B'Butthead!
Tony: WELL, WE CAN HELP YOU GAIN MORE CONFIDENCE TOO. BUT FIRST, HOLD THIS GLASS OF MILK FOR ME! I WANT A MILKSHAKE! (Laughs hysterically)
(Tom: He reminds me of Rayme after he drinks a lot of Poppy-pop!)
(Crow: Shut up terd-face!)
(Tom: I'm going to be mature and ignore your childish shenanigans!)
(Crow: FINE!)
Tom B.: Well Tony, I always took my lunch to work in a Glad-bag because they hold more and they're really sturdy...try it someday.
Tony: NO THANKS FATBOY! MR. BRIMLEY?
Wilford: Well son, I eat a lot of Oatmeal, because it's the right thing to do and a tasty way to do it.
Tony: I DON'T THINK SO, WILFORD.
(Tom: What the..?)
(Crow: Quiet! Frank's Next!)
Frank: I have to eat a lot because I'm a mad Scientist and when we think, we get hungry.
Tony: OH! IS THAT SO? YOU NEXT FATLADY!
Rosanne: Now see here Tony, I'm fat and damn proud of it!
Tony: UH..OK...ED?
Ed: Well boy, ya see my son always goes out and brings me pizza, then he takes me to the 610 Tap, where the rest of the boys have more pizza, and then I end up eating too much pizza. Yeah yeah... too much pizza yeah. I was a marine, I should know!
Ho-Sung: (Speaking like Turkey-boy-Liu Kang from MK3) Wassup? Lissentomibuddeemibuddeestolemibike! Weresmibike?
Tony: UH, yeah....QUARTIER?
Miss Q.: Well, after my boyfriend, Chester, left me and took my windex and my favorite crank, I took to eating raw cookie dough, crates of cornmeal, unopened cartons of gelatin mix, and large slabs of meat.
(Crow: Does she look FAMILIAR Tom?)
(Tom: Shut up!)
Tony: WELL, QUARTIER, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY COMING HERE,
(Tom: As long as she doesn't come HERE!)
AND IF YOU WERE SKINNIER AND PRETTIER, I'D GRAB YOUR BUTT TOO! (As if on queue, the girl runs out again, and Tony Demonstrates what he meant by his last statement...) LADDIE, HOW ABOUT YOU?!
Laddie: Wooooof! (emphasis on the OOOOOF)
Nancy: Tony, what the hell is a dog doing on the show?
Tony: WELL NANCY, I'LL TELL YA. LADDIE IS NO ORDINARY DOG, HE'S LADDIE! (Pretty girl runs out and Tony pinches her butt, then smacks it playfully, and she runs off the set again) LADDIE HAS A POOPING PROBLEM!
Marlon: (Godfather voice) Well Tony, isn't that even more of a reason to NOT have him on the show?
Nancy: What the HELL does THAT have to do with WEIGHT LOSS!?!?
(Tom: She's pretty when she's angry...)
(Joel: Nancy has a point though!)
(Crow: HEY! Isn't that Laddie the same one that bit off Rayme's....) (Joel: THAT'S ENOUGH CROW!!!!! [ties a piece of string around Crow's beak])
(Tom: Thanks Joel)
(Joel: No problem!)
(Crow: MMMPH MMMMMM-MMM-MMMMMPH!!!!!!!!!!!)
Tony: LADDIE! SHOW EVERYONE! (laddie takes a really big dump, smiles big, then balloons up again with poop) DID YOU SEE HOW HE LOST ALL THAT WEIGHT?? HE POOPED!
(Audience in studio: OOOOO!!! AHHHHH!!!! POOOOOP!!!)
(Joel: OH GOD!)
(Crow: MMPH MPH!)
(Tom: WHOSE idea was this to be in THIS Movie again???)
(Scene Changes to Deep 13) Frank: EWWW! That's disgusting! I can't believe I was on that show!
Dr. F: You didn't lose any weight either! HAHAHAHA!
Frank: Shut the hell up, Steve!
Dr. F: What? Oh.. Frank.. I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you again!
Frank: Oh sh...
(scene changes back to theater)
(as the scene changes, the Warner Brothers and their Warner Sister are dancing around the great heaping pile of poop, singing in unison)
Yakko, Wakko & Dot: Laddie's gotta poop a great big poop, a great big yummy poop! A poop! A poop! A great big Poop! A great big yummy poop!
(Joel: This is gross!)
(Solos by the animaniacs commence):
Wakko: Yummy in my Tummy-poop!
Dot: A yummy-yummy cute poop!
Yakko: Uh....this is disgusting, can we sing about something else?
Dot: Like what my Yakking brother?
(Tom: Ok, if Yakko likes to yak, then Wakko SHOULD like to...)
(Joel: Shhhh... don't say it)
Wakko: How about the director's version of the International Friendship Song that we sang in the episode with that German guy?
Marlon: (godfather voice) OH God...
Dot: (big eyed cute look) Mr. Brando, can we bounce on your tummy?
(Tom: Isn't that cute!)
(Joel: Uh...yeah...eesh)
Marlon: NO!
(Wakko and Dot begin to bounce on Pavarotti's tummy)
Wakko and Dot: Boingy boingy boingy boingy!
Hungry: All this singing has made me extremely hungry... and that pile of poop reminds me of chocolate...and for some reason, Thirsty's Christmas present he told me that he lost! (hungry bounces over to the poop, and begins to eat)
(Joel & Tom: OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!)
(Crow: MMMPH MMM MMMMPH!!)
Dot: EWWWWWW! That's gross!
Wakko: That's even too hideous for me!
Yakko: Uh....let's blow this popsicle stand!
Wakko: That's a good idea!
Dot: Bye cute chubby people!
(as the animaniacs leave the Warner Bros. Studio security rushes by with those butterfly nets they always use to catch Yakko, Wakko, and Dot)
(All of a sudden Tony Little walks back out, and he looks a little different...almost poultry-like) (Tom: Uh... what the..?)
(Crow: ...MMPH??)
Marlon: Tony, I just can't believe how you can possibly help us.
Tony: Cluck cluck.
(Maude wheels up in her new patented wheelchair that looks like a Harley Davidson...) (Joel: MAUDE!! I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!!!!)
(Tom: OH geez!)
Maude: That ain't Tony Little damn you! That's a giant chicken!
(Joel: You go, Maude! Gotta love her!)
(Tom: Jeez Joel! You'd think...)
(Joel: What?!)
(Tom: Uh... Never mind)
Ed: Now, Maude, I was a marine I should know, that is Tony Little, not a giant chicken! Now.. buy me a pizza!
Marlon: I wholeheartedly agree! I know great yummy chicken when I see it.
Tony Little: Cluck cluck cluck. (pecks at unseen bird seed)
Maude: You're all nuts! I...I.. Just can't see why you think that's Mr. Little! That's a giant CHICKEN!
Quartier: You know Maude, I've been to many a KFC in my time, and I ain't never seen no chicken THAT big!
Hungry: Chicken makes me hungry! (Hungry charges towards "Mr. Little" and pounces on him and begins to tear the shirt off his back, revealing a few more feathers.)
All: IT IS A GIANT CHICKEN!
Ed: Marlon! You hold him! I'll fetch the giant frying pan! (Ed Runs off for the pan)
Chicken Boo: P' KWWWOOOOCK!!!!!!!! (Does a Liu Kang-style bicycle kick and flaps his wings trying to get away. He thumps his massive feet against Marlon knocking him down and rushing past Hungry, then opening the door to go outside the infomercial studio to freedom)
Ho Sung Pak: WAAAHHHH ZAAHHH????
(Tom: What did he just say?)
(Joel: Beats the bicycle out of me!)
Theme song plays: He wears a disguise to look like human guys, but he's not a man, he's a Chicken Boo!
Ed: (Arriving finally with the frying pan) Where...where did he go? Dammit boy! Where's my fried chicken!
Marlon: We...we.. lost him, Ed.
McVicker: (starts shaking) Ohhhhh!
Bosley: And he would have fit perfectly in my glad bags!
Wilford: Yup, and we could've made up a new way to fry him! Because it's the right thing to do, and a tasty way to...
Ed: SHUT UP! THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY DINNER, DAMMIT BOY!
Maude: I told you, dammit Ed! Ahhhh! Toilet!
Ed: Now Maude, I'm sick of you always being right! Now go get me a pizza!
Hungry: (whining) I'm still hungry! I haven't had anything to eat for 10 whole minutes!
Quartier: I've got some cartons of unopened gelatin mix in my purse, if you want some!
Hungry: I'm just Hungry, I don't care.. (Stuttering) D..d...d...do you have any l..l..large slabs of meat in there too?
Quartier: No, but I have a trailor built on to my car and it has a deep-freeze built in....
Hungry: (begins to bounce up and down, flab flapping in the air) OOOOOOO! I don't suppose you have any crates of cornmeal do you?
Quartier: Yup... sure do!
Marlon: Hey, I've got a few cases of twinkies left in my car from breakfast this morning!
Ed: I'm sure I could get my boy to bring us a few pizzas! (Whips out a portable car-phone, dials a few numbers. Party answers) Lance! Go and buy me a few pizzas, boy! Or else I'll have to get out my machete and you'll be sorry, boy! Dammit! Buy me a pizza!
(all of a sudden Tony Little emerges from a closet, hands tied behind his back. It is obvious Chicken Boo did it)
Tony: DAMN IT! YOU ARE ALL NOT GOING TO BE EATING ON THIS SHOW! THIS ISN'T JULIA CHILDS, OR THE FRUGAL GOURMET! IT IS AN INFOMERCIAL FOR REALLY FAT PEOPLE TO LOOSE WEIGHT! (Girl runs out, looks at Tony's hands behind his back, frowns, and runs off again) NOW GET ME UNTIED SO I CAN MANHANDLE THESE WOMEN!
(Audience starts to boo him, and they start throwing tomatoes and other food products at him)
Tony: OH! WAIT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY, I MEAN I DO GET PAID FOR IT!
(Audience really gets angry still throwing food. Hungry starts to open his mouth as wide as he can and tries to eat as much of the flying produce as he can. Soon Quartier, Marlon, Pavarotti, and Ed join in. Ho Sung is jabbering like a turkey.)
Ed: He sure does SOUND a lot like a turkey!!
Marlon: And I know great yummy turkey when I hear it!
Quartier: I've been to many a thanksgiving feast in my time....
Ho Sung: Wheresmi.......bike?!?!?!?!
(Joel: Uh...)
(Tom: Commercial sign?)
(Joel: Yeah..)
(Crow: [sighs through the string] Mmmmmph..)
(cut to a commercial)
Announcer: We're here today with Akane Tendo, a leading martial artist. Akane, how is it you are so good at what you do? Is it the shoes?
Akane: (breaking boards with her feet and fists) I'm not wearing shoes right now...
Announcer: C'mon Akane, it has to be the shoes...
Akane: I told you, I don't wear shoes when I'm training....
Announcer: Well.. in that case, if Akane wore shoes, it would be the shoes!!
(new commercial)
Announcer: We have a very special guest today, a world-renouned student and Martial Artist, Ranma. Ranma, tell us why you're here...
Ranma: Well, to counteract the uncomfortable problem I have with water, I wear Haymes new line of briefs. They keep me comfortable through any type of hot-water I may get into. (Ranma smiles a cheesey- "Commercial" grin as he holds up a package of the briefs)
Announcer: Can we demonstrate, Ranma?
Ranma: Sure! I'm ready for anything!
(Water splashes on Ranma, making him Ranma-Chan, his female counterpart)
Ranma-Chan (High-pitched female voice): See? Ready for anything!
Announcer: Wow! That's great!
Ranma-Chan: Haymes new briefs make you comfortable, and ready to take on the world! (does a few special moves to back up his claims as commercial fades).
(new commercial)
Mousse: I'm not very happy...
Ryoga: I'm not either, I don't even remember why I'm so unhappy.....
Mousse: Maybe if I kicked your butt I'd be happy and you'd REMEMBER why you're not happy!
Principal: Why don't you?
Mousse: I don't think it'll make me happy...
(Dude Kang wonders in) Dude Kang: I just thought I'd mention I'm not happy either. I try to tell Ronnie...
Mousse: Who's Ronnie?
Dude: Johnny Cage's semi-delinquent-party-time brother that lives off of Johnnie's movie career money... Anyway, he dragged me off to this concert, and I'm stuck in this mosh pit and I can't get away..
Mousse: Do mosh pits make him happy?
Dude: I guess so...anyway, he drags me off and I still can't get away..another time he caused the cieling to crash on me while I'm meditating.. because Ronnie was upstairs...
Mousse: Upstairs at a rock concert?
Dude: NO! We were at his house!
Mousse: The concert was at his house?
Dude: NO! I WAS IN THE BASEMENT!
Mousse: I think you're confused!
Dude: NO! YOU do NOT understand!
Mousse: No Ryoga doesn't understand!
Ryoga: Who is Ryoga?
Mousse: Shut up!
Dude: YOU ALL SHUT UP!
Mousse: I don't think we have to..
Dude: ARRRRG!!!! (Dude runs off yelling)
Mousse: I feel a lot better now, Ryoga!
Ryoga: Who's Ryoga?
Announcer: This has been a message from the Couch of Letter Day Scents, The Morons.
(back in SOL)
Joel: If that wasn't the silliest thing I've ever witnessed!
Crow: Mmmmph!
Joel: Tom, do you think we should remove the string from Crow's beak?
Crow: ("mmph's" excitedly) MMMMPH!! MMMMPH!!! MMM MMM MMPH!!
Tom: I guess so...
Joel: Ok... (unties string)
Crow: Ahh.. thank you.. if I wasn't so gracious I'd be spewing out weird insults to you all..
(call comes in from deep 13)
Forrester: Uh.. sorry booby but we've had to pre-empt your movie this evening...
Joel and bots: YEAAAAAH!!! (starts blowing party-favors and slipping on party hats)
Forrester: Don't get too happy, Frank and I have whipped up some rather irate shorts for you...
Tom: Joel doesn't wear shorts, he wears a jumpsuit...and what does "irate" entail when referring to shorts?
Forrester: Tell your...THING to shut up.. The first short is called Pailhead's armadillo monkey jelly bean show, then we tune you in to..well..you'll see, and finally nude pictures of old women..(Frank pulls on the Dr's sleeve and shakes his head sorrowfully) uh.. nix that--no nude old women...
Joel: That's a relief!
Bots: Whew!!
Tom: If I had sweat I would've wiped it off my forehead just then.. if I technically had a forehead...if my arms could.. reach it.. damn.. I want workable arms Joel!!
Forrester: Shut up, now then Joel, away with you to the shorts!
Joel: MOVIE SIGN! AHHH WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN!!!!!