Superimposed caption: PaIlHeAd'S Armadillo Monkey Jelly Bean Show! (Pailhead comes running out wearing a tu-tu and a collection of uncooked pasta shells and different colored spiral pasta noodles around his neck and big galoshes on his feet.) Today boys and muskrat ping pong players, we're going to discuss... the 101 ways to use a ham sandwich for many household uses.
(Crow: Oh, it's an EDUCATIONAL show)
(Tom: Yeah, it doesn't get too much more EDUCATIONAL, than this.. right Joel?)
(Joel: SON!?!)
(Tom: Crow, he's going funny again!)
(Crow: Quick, act like you're eating something!)
[chew chew chew chew] (loud chewing noises made by the bots)
(Joel: Wha..?!?! Huh? Oh.. do you guys have any food in here? We're not supposed to be eating in here..)
(Crow: No Joel)
(Tom: Watch the movie Joel)
(Pailhead is running around the room looking for uses for his ham sandwich)
Pailhead: It Makes a great door stop (ham sandwich plops on the floor by the door--he scoops it up again), You can use it as a pillow, (acts like he is going to go to sleep on it) you can wipe up messes with it (sops up spilled liquid on the floor), you can talk to it (acts like it's a puppet for a moment), you can make nifty frames from the bread (whips out a few nasty looking moldy bread frames with pics of Pailhead acting silly in each one), and from the looks of these frames, you can grow your own little life-forms and name them and act as if they were your own children.. (looks at the frames and gets almost teary-eyed for a second) Oh Ralph, oh Jane, you're my little ones, aren't you? (tosses the frames over his shoulder), if you want, you can eat it, but I prefer the less-conventional methods of ham-sandwichery.
(Joel: My son, the genius...ahh.. )
(Tom: Oh jeez..shut him up will you?)
(Crow: I want to make MY own life-forms Joel!)
(Tom: Yeah! Me too! I would love them and hug them and kiss them and stroke them and name them George)
(Joel: Quiet he's going to do more with the sandwich!)
Pailhead: You can play that impossible to beat-game with the triangle and golf-pegs.. (cuts sandwich into triangle and starts pushing pegs into it..the sandwhich falls apart) Oh dear.. I guess that sandwich wasn't "cut out" to be a triangle-shape after all! (grins cheesily and races off to get another ham-sandwhich.. camera follows him)
(Joel: now this is goooood television! I myself have often wondered if there was more than one use for a ham sandwich!)
Pailhead (in his messy kitchen): First you need a big sharp knife to cut your ham. (plops a knife on the counter, goes towards fridge for ham) Here piggy piggy! Come to Pailhead! (shuffles through fridge to find the ham). (in sing-songy voice) PIGGY! HERE YOU ARE! (Trots merrily over to table, plops ham down on the table, grabs knife.) OOOO! Piggy! Looks like piggy is going under the knife!! (makes squealing piggy noises, then laughs)
(Crow: This strangely reminds me of Julia Childs.)
(Joel: No, I think Graham Kerr)
(Tom: No! The frugal gourmet guy!)
(Crow: Maybe the frugal GOREmay.. heh heh heh)
Pailhead: Just kidding piggy... hee hee. Well sorry piggy I have to make my ham-sandwich now. (looks at knife, throws it down, and pulls out a chainsaw) NOW PIGGY! PREPARE TO MEAT YOUR MAKER! Get it? Meat? Oh! I forgot my goggles! (whips them out, and puts them on; The large slab of ham is sitting listless on the table, bored perhaps.. oh! It's just a piece of meat, sorry.) You must always remember safety first when using large heavy equipment. (revves up the chainsaw...)
(Crow: I think we better have a commercial sign)
(Tom: Uh yeah... good idea..)
(Joel: My son, the lumberjack)
(Crow and Tom: DOH!)
(cut to commercial)
(The set of the commercial is in a May-Bee toystore, another quiet day in the store, so it seems. We see Ray making a cameo as the cashier, and down the isles you can just see Roberta and Chris playing with the Turtle toys, and acquainting Spider Man and the Megazord stuffed dolls together and leaving them for kids to see, and also that damn flushing toilet, and the stupid Lion King See and Say)
Ray: Just another quiet day at the store, if you... know what I mean...
(all of a sudden, our favorite Field brothers walk in arm in arm as if they had been skipping down the mall to the store...)
Tim: I'm Tim and he's Troy, and we're here to buy some Seaquest toys!
Ray: Oh brother. Get it? Brothers? It's a good one!
(you can hear Chris and Roberta saying "No it wasn't" from the back of the store)
Announcer: Seaquest Toys, get ‘em at your local toystore.
Tim: Yeah! I'm Tim and he's Troy...
Tim & Troy: And we recommend Seaquest Toys!!
Chris: I'll bet they do.. heh heh heh..
(new commercial)
Geraldo (once again as our public service announcer) : Kids, Don't be racist, make fun of everybody. Like we do on Talk-shows. And.. uh.. stay in school.. it's cool.
Announcer: This has been a public service announcement.
(new commercial)
E. Honda: Hi! I'm Edmund Honda, the famous Japenese Sumo wrestler, not Hawaiian as most of you Street-fighter movie watchers think. When I'm training to get big and sumo-ey, I eat Street-Fighter shaped chocolate dream bars, found in your local freezer section. They're good, and they remind me of biting the heads off of my opponents! (Whips out a Vega-shaped bar, and chomps) Mmmm! Vega-licious!
Announcer: Street Fighter Dream bars, they're (pause; Background Vega Yodle: Yodle-oodle-AY-HOO!; end pause) Delicious!
(end commercial sign)