Offensive
blonde
jokes!
Sometime in 10th grade, 1998: O.K. I have like found out that blondes like this do like exsist. This girl Tiffiny (we call her "Tiff") in the freshman class is the total stereotype of all of these jokes! She wears short skirts, tight shirts, and wears makup even on our class trip. (we were on a fucking farm, thank you)
Well, Josh, this musical genious in my grade (sophmore) was playing the piano and Tiff is like, "Hey, Josh. Could you play that song by Monet?"
I was rolling on the floor.
- A blonde's house catches on fire. She hurridly calls 911.
She goes, "Hello? My house is on fire!"
and the fireman says, "How do we get to your house?"
And the blonde is like, "A big, red truck, a DUH!" - Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks,"
The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. - A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up, asshole...you're next!"
- Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side. - Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. - A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
- A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"submitted by my daddy
- A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if she had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blond said "How about 50 dollars?" The woman agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The woman's husband, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to his wife, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The woman replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" she asked.
"Yes," the blond answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the woman reached in her pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." - Two blond men were buying some wood. They went into the lumber yard and asked for a board.
"What thickness?" asked the lady who worked there?
"Um, I think a four by four."
"Don't you think it's called a two by four?" said the lady.
"I'll check." mumbled the other blond. After about 15 minutes he came back. "Yep!" He said.
"Okay," said the lady, "how long do you want it?"
"We'll need it for a pretty long time. We're using it to build a house." - Q: Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond. - Two blondes were trying to get into their car with a coat hanger because they locked the keys in the car. One said, "Hurry up! It's raining and the top's down!"
- A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of coke pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of coke keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
She says, "Buzz off!! Can't you see I'm winning? - Three blondes die and go to heaven. St. Peter says to them, "To get into heaven you must answer this question: What is Easter?"
The first blonde says, "Oh, I know! It's when you and your family and friends gather around the table and eat turkey, and mashed potatoes, and..."
"I'm sorry, that's not right." says St. Peter.
"That's easy!" says the second blonde, "It's when we put up a tree and decorate it to celebrate Christ's birth."
"No. That's not correct." answers St. Peter.
The third blonde says, "Well, anyone with half a brain could tell you that it was when Christ was nailed to the cross and put in a cave..."
"Very good!" interrupts St. Peter
"I'm not finished yet!" snaps the blonde, "And then every year he comes back from the dead, comes out of his cave, and if he sees his shadow we have 6 mor weeks of winter."
Adam's jokes
- Two blondes are desperately trying to get into their car with a metal hanger because they locked their keys in the car. "Hurry up!" said one blonde, "It's starting to rain and we left the top down!"
- Q: Why don't blondes in L.A. wear short leather skirts?
A: Because their balls will show. - Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a man?
A: A blonde has a higher sperm count. - A brunette and a blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Oh no! Look at the dead birdie."
The blonde looks up, "Where?" - Q: What does a platinum blonde and James Earl Jones have in common?
A: They both have black roots. - Did you hear about the blonde who shot the arrow into the air? She missed.
- Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A : Preagnant.
- Q: What is a blonde's mating call?
A : "I am SO drunk!" - Q: What is an ugly blonde's mating call?
A : "I said, I'M DRUNK!!! - Q: What did the blondes mom say to the blonde before the blonde's date?
A : "If your not in bed by twelve, come home." - Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump me Dump me - Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" - Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, boys, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blond.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blond, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blonds started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blond said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!" - Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to pass her the diapers. - Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen. - Q: What did the blonde answer when she was asked what the capital of France is?
A: "F?" - A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are in a swimming race. The red-head swims one forth of the way, knows she can't make it, and swims back. The brunette swims one third of the distance, knows she can't make it, and swims back. The blonde swims four-sevenths of the way, gets tired, and swims back.
- Q: A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Clause are walking down the street when they see a ten dollar bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist. - Two blondes are driving to Disney World in their new, red convertable. When they get to Florida, they see a sign that says, "Disneyworld, left" So after shedding bitter tears of dissapointment, they turn their car around and head back home.
- Two blondes go into a bar with smiles on their faces. They buy drinks for everyone and start whooping it up big time. The bartender asks, "What's the occasion?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us two months!"
"But that's not such a big deal" says the bartender.
"You don't understand." says one blonde with a furrowed brow, "On the box it said, '2 to 4 years'." - Q: How is a turtle like a blonde?
A: If it's turned over on it's back, it's screwed.
I would like to appologize to all those smart blondes out there who are now very offended. I know that smart blondes exist...hey, I'm living proof!
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