A bar full of laughs!

A man walked into a bar...

A man walked up to the bartender and said, "I bet you $100 that I can pee from across the room into that little shotglass."
"Your on!" said the bartender, smiling to himself.

The man tried, but then missed and peed on the bartender. The bartender asked, happy that he had won "You just lost 100 bucks, so why are you smiling?"
The man says, giggling, "I bet that man over there $1,000 that I could pee on YOU and make you very happy!"

Submitted by Kate

A man walked into a bar. He had a few liquors but then realized that his wife wouldn't let him in the house if she knew he had been drinking and he knew his breath reeked of booze. "Quick!" he said to the bartender, "Give me something that will stop my breath from smelling like booze!"
"OK," said the bartender. Then he gave the man lots of onions and garlic. The man ate them.
When the man got home, his wife said, "Breathe through the keyhole, mister!" So the man did.
"I'm not going to be fooled, buster!" she nagged, "I said BREATH through the keyhole!"

A man walked into the bar and was handed some peanuts. Suddenly he started hearing things like, "Nice Shirt!" or "How's it cookin' good lookin'?" but he couldn't see anybody saying it.
He asked the bartender, "Is it just me, or are there voices saying nice things?"
"Oh, it's the peanuts." said the bartender, "They're complimentary!"

Then a skeleton walked into the bar and asked for a beer and a mop.

Then three misquitoes flew into the bar. One asked for some red blood cells, the second asked for red blood cells, and the third asked for plasma.
The bartender said, "OK. Let's see if I got this. A blood, a blood, and a blood lite?"

Then a panda walked into the bar. He ordered a sandwich and when he finished it, he shot the waitor and started to walk out. The bartender said, "Where are you going? You just shot the waitor!"
The Panda hollard back, "I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" So the bartender picked up his handy dandy dictionary and read out loud, "Panda; Large marsupial known for it's black and white coloring, eats shoots and leaves."

Then a blind man walked into the bar. He took his seeing eye dog by the hind legs and spun it around in a complete circle. "Don't mind me!" he said, "I'm just having a look around."

Then a duck waddles into a bar and asks for some grapes. The bartender says, "We don't serve grapes here."
So the duck waddles out.
Then five minutes later the duck walddles into the bar and asks for grapes again. The bartender says in an annoyed tone of voice, "I told you, we don't have any grapes!"
So the duck waddles out.
Then ten minutes later he comes back in the bar and asks for grapes. The bartender screams, "We don't serve grapes, we don't have any grapes, and if you come in here one more time, I'm nailing your beak to the counter!"
So the duck waddles out.
Three minutes later, the duck waddles in and asks for nails. The bartender says, "Look, we aren't a hardware store. We don't have any nails!"
So the duck asks for grapes.

Then a man walked in and said to the bartender, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."
So the bartender handed him a drink.
"Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
So the bartender handed him a drink.
"Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
"When is the the trouble going to start?" The bartender asked.
"When you find out I haven't got any money."

And a sailor walked into the bar and sees a pirate who was quite worse for ware with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor inquiered, "How did you get the peg leg?"
The pirate said, "I was in a mighty feirce storm when I'll be dernd if a shark didn't bit off me leg!"
"How did you get the hook?" asked the curious sailor.
"I was fightin' an enemy ship when one of them just goes ahead and chops off me hand!"
"Really, and the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"You lost an eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, It was the first day I had me hook."

Then another man walked into the bar. He orderd a drink, gulped it down, looked into his pocket, ordered another drink, gulped it down, looked into his pocket, ordered another drink, gulped it down, looked into his pocket, then the bartender asked, "Why do you look into your pocket after every drink? What's in it?"
"It's a picture of my wife, and when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home!"

So when his wife started looking good to him, he headed out. He met a bum on the sidewalk who asked for five dollars. "If I give you five dollars, will you use it to buy alchohol?"
"No" said the bum.
"If I give you five dollars, will you use it to gamble?"

"No" replied the bum.
"Can I bring you home to show my wife what happens to a man when he doesn't drink or gamble?"

Then on his way home, the man walked into another bar...ouch!

View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook