The Twisted Vortex of Adam's Mind

Click here to see what's on Melissa's mind.

4/5/00 - I was slightly pissed off in that last entry if you couldn't tell. Sorry to people I offended that I didn't mean to. As you probably noticed, the band is dead now. Luke and I are in a new band, FBI Corrupt is dead. It's been fun, thanks to everybody that cheered for us at the show, whether we sucked or not. This will be my final entry, for it seems rather stupid to update this on the page of a band that is no more. In my final entry i'd like to say something to all the people who rather ignorantly accused me of being unintelligent, socially deprived (Maybe I am, but not from homeschooling, just from not liking people), or being abnormal. "Before you can take conscious control of your destiny, before you can assume greater responsibility for your family, before you and your children can be assets to your community, you must know who you are. A difficult task, indeed, given years of training to look outside yourself for identity." (My mother, Linda Dobson, The Art of Education, 1995) Homeschooling gives a family time to place family at the center of its lifestyle, to know each other, to know self, to pursue unique interests into vocational happiness (doing what you love and the money following), to nurture individuality, creativity, and continue taking "the road less traveled", to practice self-reliance, to appreciate and pursue learning for a lifetime. Too many kids are hurting, wounded spirits. Homeschooling is healing the spirit of many of these kids, regardless of how much "structure" occurs in their academic approach. And if somebody grows up in a family with this kind of time and with those who love him (homeschooling), his spirit - more often than not - will never need healing. Friends don't mean anything, if they're not real friends. Going to public school may get you more false friends, people to hang out with, or whatever it is they do, but at least homeschooling has given me a chance to figure out who I am, and i'm not trying to be somebody else. Sure I dressed like Matt Freeman for a little while, I have a hat like him, I wear plain white v-neck t-shirts. But i'm not being like him, i'm only making my outside appearence to be like him. I am me, like or not. And i'm proud of that. Bash homeschooling all you want, i'm glad I am. This is my last entry, thanks again to all who helped with the band. Extra speical thanks to all the guys i've played with, especially Almon, Luke, and Morgan, but the biggest thanks of all to the person that always made me feel like I was good enough, and always helped me through whatever I needed help with. Thank you Melissa. I love you so much. Remember this everybody, I say what I mean and mean what I say. Lights out to all, good night, and good bye.

3/30/00 - Okay, if you haven't been keeping up on our guestbook (too late if you haven't, I took it down), this will be meaningless to you. But for everyone who was involved, I want you to read this. Fuck you. No seriously, fuck you. I'm sick of taking shit from people, and this time it's just too much, because i'm getting shit for what somebody else said. That's just crazy. Everything is going insane, i've lost two friends, people I don't even know hate me, and my girlfriend and one of my best friends are getting harassed. People that don't even know me are saying that i've changed, which doesn't make any sense, because they have no way of knowing if I have or not. And if I have, it's for the better. I don't drink or smoke, big fucking deal. Does that make me soft? That I don't feel the need to fuck up my body because people think it's cool? If that's being soft, then you're right, I am soft, and i'm damn proud of it. People are saying i'm losing friends because i've changed so much, but none of the people that think I have changed are very good friends. I asked my 4 best friends that live around here to do me a simple favor, and none of them would do it for me. It wasn't something very hard for them to do, and they wouldn't do it because it had no benefiet for themselves. People tell me to ditch Manda for the "friends" I have here, but I would give them all up just to keep Manda as a friend. She has never, never, screwed me over like the assholes around here have. Morgan keeps saying she's a better friend to me than Manda, but look at the difference. Morgan knows I've been dying to see the movie Tank Girl, and she invites people over to watch it (Of course, not me), and then calls me to say how much fun her and her friends had watching it. Compare that with Manda, who knows I want to see it, and she's making a copy of it and sending it to me so I can see it. Who is the better friend? Manda said shit about Morgan simply because she was sticking up for me, and she knows all the bad shit Morgan's done to me. She doesn't hate her because I made stuff up about her, she hates her for the way she treats me. All I told her was the truth, and unfortunately for Morgan, Manda is a smart person and can see that the way Morgan treats me is not as a friend. Morgan tells me it's "the way it is in public school". Well folks, not only do I accept being a homeschooler, i'm now damn proud of it. You "public schoolers" may think you're cool, you're above me, whatever the hell you want to think, but right now I feel I would give my life rather to be one of you. I just thank god a few people have risen against the bullshit of public school (e.g., Melissa, Manda, Lynn) and can think for themselves, not only logically, but with half a brain. To all you assholes you think you're my friend or think i've changed, or think that Melissa is a bad influence on me, fuck you. Pete, Morgan, Larry, Adrienne, Luke, SixSixSix, and whoever else, go to hell. I can't believe it, but I agree with Pat's theology. FTW FTW FTW FTW FTW FTW FTW FTW! Fuck the world! You're all crazy and need help. Thanks goes out to Pat, for being the ONLY person who defended me in the guestbook. Pat may take a lot of shit from people, but he has a mind, and at least he uses it. He can see that I shouldn't be getting shit for what somebody else said. Listen up people, because you're not gonna believe what i'm about to say... Pat is the smartest one out of you. If I offended any of my "friends" in this entry, fuck you, you gave me good reason. Stop harrasing me, stop harrasing Manda, and you damn well better stop harrasing Melissa. Maybe she has changed me a little, she's made me a better person. And I thank her for that. But what you assholes don't realize when you say it's her fault I don't drink anymore, is that I stopped drinking a year and a half ago, and i've only known Melissa for 5 months. So it's impossible that it's her fault I don't drink anymore. I did promise her I wouldn't drink, but that was after I stopped anyway. The only other way she changed me, is making me promise to never cut, burn, or hurt myself in any way ever again. How it that bad? She's saved me, from all the bullshit my "friends" lay on me everyday. I'm sorry that Kelly ended our friendship last night, because she was one of my only real friends. That list is shorter now, and if your name's not on here, that's for a reason: Melissa, Andrea, Manda, and Bridget. There are a few people that I'm really starting to think are true friends (Like Lynn for instance) but I don't want to jump to any conclusions. Because i've thought that about people before, like Melinda, Morgan, Sarah N, and Kelly. But they've all screwed me over when I thought they were friends, and the only reason I am reluctant to add her to my list of friends, is out of fear of losing her. This has been long enough, fuck you all, seriously. You turned one dumb comment in a guestbook into an all out war. How stupid are you people.

3/26/00 - Don't feel like writing much today. Melissa did her first show with her band today, and it went great. Everybody loved them. I won't say anymore about it because i'm sure she'll want to talk about it in her entry. I hear something about a show at the Getaway, April 7th? Still rumors... And that show with us and The Atomic Playboys will probably be pushed back to May sometime. KNF is back, as you probably know, with Chris, Danny L, Morgan H, and Danny B. I put the guestbook back up tonight, have fun kids. I wanna say an extra special thanks to Lynn, who has really inspired me to start writing again. It's hard, because I keep comparing my work to hers, and that's a mistake because no matter how hard I try, I can't come close to songs like hers. She's truly gifted. Check out her band's site, http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Gala/4017/. I think they're kinda broken up, due to no drummer (I know what that's like, we miss you Almon), but they still have a great page. I gotta go, later suckers.

3/24/00 - Oh joyful day at the doctor's today. I don't see why they charge $130 and can't tell me anything... I know nothing more than what I did when I walked in there. I think those damn doctors just look for excuses to feel me up. Oh well. That band that Luke and I are playing in might be opening for The Atomic Playboy's in Piercefiled on April 28th, but the show isn't confirmed yet, and neither is us playing it. I'll post details as I find them out. Ah yes, and to my little friend "Smooth" Patty B, no harm no foul right? He's upset that I compared him to Louie Anderson. Let's all shed a tear for him. Melissa hasn't been updating her entry much lately, because she hasn't been able to get on-line much. She'll be doing it more later. All is well by her, for anyone out there who might be concerned. God damn phone company, why do they charge so much? All that tax pisses me off too, they don't even tell you what it's for. It's a conspiricy dammit, the government is out to get us.... Not really, I just hate having having a huge phone bill to pay. Oh well, I get every dime's worth. That's all for now, later suckers.

3/23/00 - Oh my, haven't updated in ten days. Oh well, I don't think too many people missed me, except maybe Danny. Ah yes, that reminds me. Danny and I are going to make FBI Corrupt into a movie. It will be called "The Band That Won't Die - Saranac Lake's Punk Scene is Dead". It's going to be a horror flick. I will be played by Tom Cruise, Danny will be played by Gilbert Gottfried, Luke will be played by Jim Carey, Morgan will be played by Keri Strug, Almon will be played by Robin Williams, Kurt will be played by Conan O'Brien, Zach will be played by Martin Short, Chris will be played by Davey Havok, and Pat will be played by Louie Anderson. Pat's going to get killed off in the first five minutes, Tom Cruise will beat him to death with his bass. It's going to be good, the band will have all sorts of victims. The member's keep changing because everyone gets killed. Okay so that's not how it really happend, but we want a horror movie not a comedy. Anyways, I probably won't be updating this everyday for a little while, because I have to cut back my on-line time. Yes, I took the guestbook down again, you dumb bastards abused it again. I left for one stinking day, and there were 30 new entries to catch up on. It's not worth my time, do it in somebody elses guestbook. I hear Ketchup Knife is back, some attempt to make me mad or something. Pat actually stood up for me, I was shocked. Oh well, I have revenge lined up... My new band will be called "Adam Dobson and The Ketchup Knives", that way people will think they stole the name from me. The line up is: Mike Haven'tgotaclue on lead vocals, Luke Snyder on back up, Nick Tamer on guitar, Adam Dobson on bass, and Brian BeatsmeIhavenoidea on drums. Okay, so we're not really called that, that would just be dumb. We don't even have a name. Since we're half FBI Corrupt and half Bombshell, maybe we should go with Melissa's idea and be FBI Bomb. Food for thought. Gotta go people, have a wonderful day... 8^)

3/13/00 - Ah yes, such a lovely day. Played some basketball at the college tonight, I realized two things. One, I'm really good at basketball. Until you compare me to EVERYONE else there, then I realized I really suck. Hehe. Number two, I realized i'm addicted to Melissa. I can't leave for more than 3 hours without missing her. Pathetic? Maybe. Do I care? Hell no. I can say whatever I want! Haha! If you haven't yet, be sure to check out Melissa's Mind Entry. I figured I might as well give her her own page, because people seem to like this one, and I thought they'd love one from somebody with some real intelligence. She's a lot more interesting than me. But anyways, I'm gonna start writing songs again. I kinda gave it up after I couldn't write anything good, but I was kind of inspired lately. Someone really made me feel like the things I write have some worth, so i'm going to attempt it again, with a little more emotion and feeling this time. Anyways, I might post them if I can come up with anything good. Gotta go, don't turn out the lights!

3/10/00 - The Atomic Playboys had a show in Piercefield tonight, and it was a great show. They played for like over three hours. I saw these guys when they played their first show at the Getaway, and then, they were like every other group of kids getting together and writing some songs. They were fun to listen to, and we showed support. Now, they have grown so much in a short time, and have really come together. They now show real skill and dedication. Each member is really talented, as was shown in this one song where they each had a kick ass solo. They were crazy. There wasn't much for dancing though, not as good as at the Getaway, and I don't think the people showed enough support. They clapped a little, but they should have gotten a lot more praise then they did. They had some good covers, including Hobophobic by NOFX, Bro Hymn by Pennywise, Yelling in My Ear by Operation Ivy, and i'm not sure but I think some Suicide Machines and Catch 22. They had some guest singers, including some kid (Luke I think his name was??) who sang for like a hardcorish song, and some girls came up and sang a song too. Aaron was feeling a little under the weather, but with some chanting from the crowd we got him to continue playing. The crowd favorite was Punto, which they played twice due to poular demand (Kelly, Erin, Jodi, and Danielle). Not the best song ever in my opinion, but Aaron did a really good job singing it. They just sounded really good. I think if you haven't seen them, you should, and if you have, see them again because they've improved 100 fold.

3/8/00 - The guestbook is back up, please don't abuse it this time. Talk about religion all you want, but keep it civilized. Well, i'm not sure what to talk about in this entry. When I was talking about socitey, I was accused of being "un-original" in the words of one the others. So I could go on about it, but it's lost it's meaning. I can't help you if you won't listen. Anyways, i'll talk about the power of the mind. You see, the mind basically, is everything. You can live without an arm, but you can't live without your mind. It's not mearly a thing used for thinking, it has total control over you, if you let it. Take putting your hand on a hot stove for example. Your mind senses something is wrong, and sends messages to your muscles to retract, and pull your hand away. On that same note, the mind is powerful enough that if you gain control over it, you can feel no pain. If it doesn't exist in your mind, it doesn't exist period. Therefor, our own realitys are created in our minds. If things seem bleak, remember that a lot of it is in your mind, and can be controled. But the most important thing, is to have control, and not let anybody else get it. When someone can control your thoughts and feelings, they control your mind, and control your life. Sorry, this has been a pretty lame entry. I'm tired. Something that seems to be happening a lot lately. Oh well. Gotta go, lights out!

3/7/00 - You've probably noticed my mind entries have taken a dramatic turn. Some say i'm insane, some gave me praise. Personally, both reactions amuse me. But, alas, I don't do this for you... I do it for me. Free therapy, hehe. Actaully, in a sense it is for you, it's kind of like a wake up call. Not a warning, just a declaration of the world and society we are going towards. Soon, there will be no love, no laughter, no joy, no sarcasm, no pity, no curiosity, no passion, no lust, no sorrow, nothing. We will be empty, hollow people. Shells of human beings. All there will be, is hate, and concern with nothing other than self. And that, will be our downfall. Take a look around, it's all around us. People not giving a damn about anyone but themselves. A lot of people think that's what punk is all about, that you can be an asshole and that makes you punk. I've never heard such a stupid statement in all my life. There is nothing wrong with being nice, and concered with the well being of others. But alas, I cannot bear to treat everyone they way a civilized human being should. Because i've been walked on too many times, by too many people. Those people, have changed me. However, they have not won, no no no. I simply now treat people pretty much the same way they treat me. Give them a dose of their own medicine, perhaps. I truly hope things don't go down hill in my lifetime, and that of my niece, Emily. Because it's her i'm worried about more than anything. I don't want her growing up to be an empty machine, emoitonally dried up. Luckily, I don't think that will happen because this empty world will take time to develop, and I think it's beyond my or Emily's lifetimes. Thank god for small favors. Final thought, don't be afriad to open up your heart, and let's try to keep our society civilized. After-thought: I'm not unoriginal! That is directed at one the heads of the others. This is MY mind entry, I type whatever the FUCK I want to. And they are simply my feelings, and my thoughts, and my emotions. I have plagerized.... twice. Laddy fricken da, so what. One time was from Danny, and one was a paragraph from the book 1984. But I don't put things that aren't my very own feelings, and thoughts. Call me unoriginal if you will, see if I give a fuck.

3/6/00 - Ah, so tired. If this entry sucks, it's because i'm tired and can't think. Anyways, I wanted to touch up on what I meant in my last entry. No matter how you look at it, the world is divided into groups. Social standing do exist. We say all people are equal, but when society creates these levels, they are followed because society is a powerful tool. A person alone has no power, in the general sense, but when a group of people with many bodies but only one mind form, it is a powerful weapon. An individual may say all men are equal, but if the group feels there are levels, there are levels. If the group says 2 plus 2 equlas 5, then 2 plus 2 equals 5. How can you prove it doesn't? You ask someone what 2 plus 2 is, and they say five, and they all say it, what proof do you have that it doesn't? Mathematically? What good is showing them on paper when they all say you're wrong? So if they treat you like an outcast, then you are an outcast. There's nothing you can do. Or is there? What if we rose above it all, and acted on our own feelings and thoughts, not by the others? A few have. Not many, but a few. From rough calculations, about %5 of the population is above it. That's not much, but it's hope. Nothing will be changed in my life time, I can accept that. But if I can increase that number even to just %10, i've done well with my life. And the next generation can work on increasing it to %20, and so on. And some day, we'll break through and be a civilized society. One of love, and acceptance, not levels, and standings. What does this have to do with the band, you might ask? Nothing suckas! But it was on my mind. And is this not my mind entry? Depends on what socitey says...

3/5/00 - We had us a jolly old practice today. It was pretty bad though, we didn't get anything done. We had Kurt on guitar, and Danny Berg on drums. Luke was on drugs or something, and Morgan didn't feel good. So it was a jolly old time.... That implies sarcasm for you less witty folks out there. You've probably noticed I took the guestbook down. I think I did for the same reasons Good to Go did. It was a forum to express opinions, but it was abused, and used to create hate and evil. Talking about religion as if they had a clue what they were talking about. All they were doing was trying to make themselves look good, but I will not stand for that kind of abuse. If you don't believe in God, then fine, but drop the whole i'm satan, i'm evil act. It's so childish. I like when people express their opinions freely, but I don't stand for people talking about Christianity like that. My girlfriend is Christian, and she's proud of it. And you know what? I'm proud of her. I wouldn't change a thing about her if I could, and that includes her religion. I feel bad for taking away a forum for discussion, because now I can put my two cents in but you guys can't. But it's your own doing, you abused it. I will put it back up, eventually, when I think you kids have gotten over it. Anyways, I feel like making this entry a long one so I will. A few people have asked me why my IM name is Rejected0123. I'll try to explain. First, you have to understand what rejection truly is. It involves the use of doublethink. That is, to know, and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancel out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to forget, whatever it was necessary to forget, then draw it back into memory again at the moment it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself - that is the ultimate subtlety: conseiously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word doublethink, involves the use of doublethink. This, is to have been rejected. When you go through doublethink, you are ready to leave the others and join me and my friends. We're open to all, who are ready. If you understand this, email me... Please. If not, pretend I never said anything.

3/3/00 - Ah, my little pets... Not much news. I'm thinking about giving this section of the page and actual name, because I hate calling it my mind entry. I need like a real title. Not sure what though, if you have any ideas, be sure to send them to me, or put it in the guestbook or something. Gotta go, adios! (That was for you Almon!)

3/2/00 - I got up at 4:55 this morning, to go to the airport to say good bye to Almon. I'll miss that crazy son of a bitch, he was such a cool kid. We're going to keep in touch, i'll make sure of that. And he'll be coming back up here sometime this spring or summer. Almon, if you read this, I just want to let you know these past 10 months or so have been a really great time for me, and I loved being in a band with you. You're really talented. Hopefully one day, we'll be in a band together again. Fate will bring us back together, I think we're made to play together. Even though we never hung at much outside of the band, I consider you like a brother. I love ya man, in a friendly, non gay sort of way. Lights out to all, and good night.

2/29/00 - Howdy yall! Not much new here. Me, Luke, Morgan, and Almon are going to go to Lake Placid tomorrow, to hang with him one last time before he leaves. This weekend we're probably going to try out Kevin and Berg. Should be good times. Oh, i'm gonna add something new to this page, just to let you know. I figure I do so much bitching in here anyway... On the last day of each month, i'll rant and rave about what has bugged me the most for the month. For the month of February, it is (drum roll..................): Sting! Okay, he's a great singer and all, but how can he call himself a bassist? I swear, i'm better than he is. He should just sing, and get someone who knows what he's doing to play bass. I get Bass Player Magazine, and I was pissed to see him listed as one of the 100 greatest bass players a few months ago, but this month he was on the cover! Give me a break. I should give Sting a few lessons, he could use them. I'd like to see him try to play the solo from Sick Subway. He wouldn't get passed the 2nd note! Anyways, that's enough about Sting. There will be more about something new next month, so watch for it!

2/24/00 - Don't know what the deal with the band is right now, we're all still stunned by Almon's leaving. We may try to go on with a new drummer, we just don't know. We're not gonna talk about it right now, it just wouldn't be right to be lining up a replacement for him before he even leaves. Actually, no one will replace him because Almon is simply irreplacable. Even if we hire a new drummer, I think Almon will always have a spot in our band if he ever comes back. I LOVE YOU ALMON! In a friendly, not gay sort of way. I just know i'm gonna get some lip about that from the likes of.... PAT! But that's okay. SCREW YOU PAT! Whoops, sorry. I meant to say, SCREW YOU PAT! You made Good to Go take down their guestbook, you had to ruin it for everybody didn't you? Ever hear of the term, "friendly debate"? We could have all shared our opinions without being all, "Fuck you, I hate you Christians, screw off and go to hell, fuck you very much." You're so stupid Pat, and you took that forum of FRIENDLY discussion away from us. We could have all learned something from one another, but not anymore. Good going Pat. That's all for now, remember, I say what I feel and I mean what I say!

2/23/00 - This is really hard to say, so i'll just say it. Almon is moving to Florida. We're all devastated by this, because we're not only losing a talented drummer, we're losing a dear friend. Almon has GOT to be the coolest kid i've ever met, and I will miss him so much. He was like a brother to me, to all of us. Morgan and I shared tears upon hearing the news, but external tears stop, but we will all be crying on the inside for a long time. Almon, we'll miss you buddy, and we'll never be able to use ketchup without thinking of you. Here are the lyrics to Pennywise's Bro Hymn, dedicated to the best drummer, and coolest kid I know: To our best friend present, past and beyond. Even though you weren't with us too long, your life is the most precious thing we could loose. While you were here the fun was never ending, laugh a minute only the beginning, Almon, my brother, this ones for you! Ever get the feeling you can't go on, just remember who's side it is that you're on. You've got friends with you till the end. If you're ever in a tough situation, we'll be there with no hesitation. Brotherhoods our rule that cannot bend. When you're feeling too close to the bottom, you know who it is you can count on. Someone will pick you up again. We can conquer anything together, all of us are bonded forever if you die I die that's the way it is.

2/20/00 - We had practice today, and it was a great success. Not only did we finally get some work done, but we all had a good time to. Besides when Morgan was kicking the shit out of us... Luke drank laundery detergent. I broke a light bulb. Almon was wearing a hat over his head. It was crazy good times. Luke showed us a neat little trick, with his stomach, matches, and peanut butter. Don't ask. That's about all here, i'm tired as hell so i'll be leaving now. Bye bye!

2/19/00 - Let me say upfront that I don't want any talk about the new poll on the page, about the definition of "punk" and whatnot. It's just a little thing for fun, don't take it too seriously. I don't want anybody getting all mad about it, okay? Nice. Not much new here, and not much to bitch about. I had a great day. First I took my five hour course, and passed with flying colors (it was an easy test, nothing to brag about), so I can take my road test soon. Then, I was invited to spend the day with some friends in Tupper Lake (I hear one Tupper Lake joke I break your fingers off, okay?), and I had a lot of fun. Kelly is a really cool friend, she's really nice and always there to talk to. I also met some new awesome people (Erin, Danielle, Jodi, Justin), and Aaron (the drummer from the Atomic Playboys). I remember him from playing the show together, but never really said anything to him before. They were all really nice to me, and I think it made my week... Despite Erin telling me how much the band Chris sang for SUCKS, before she found out that I was in the band... But it's okay, she was cool anyway. Although they all seem to be infatuated with Almon... I think he has a fan club now. Anyways, it was a great day and was a lot of fun, and Danielle wants to meet Morgan because she very well might be the only person in the world shorter than her...

2/18/00 - Ohhhhh, you should hear what i'm hearing about Morgan and Luke.... Bad Luke, bad... Morgan's hands are for "other" purposes, not your little lollipops, and I won't even get into the neck and tounge games... And god knows where else.... Hehehe. Maybe practice on Sunday, with Nick Rock trying out on guitar. Morgan might not be there because she has to shop for underwear... But don't tell anyone because it's a secret...

2/17/00 - Where the hell is everybody? Nobody is on-line, and i'm starting to think everyone has something to do except me dammit... Ah well, I should be used to my patheticness by now. Ugh, where oh where is my Melissa? Grr, i'm starting to get worried sick because I haven't heard from her in a while, and she's not answering her phone... Relax, stay calm... Everything's okay.... Grrr.

2/15/00 - We're trying to get Nick Rock to try out on guitar, hopefully he'll be here tomorrow. We haven't had a productive practice in a while. We're hoping tomorrow is a good day. Also, I have an announcement. Morgan and Luke are going out, I repeat, MORGAN AND LUKE ARE GOING OUT! Hehehe. Watch for pictures of them making out to be posted on the web page soon. Lukus being the sweet guy he is, took Morgan out on a date, took her to a nice dinner and gave her half a dozen roses. Then on Valentine's Day, bought her more roses and chocolates! He's spent a lot of money on her, and from what hear that's why Morgan's going out with him.... Just kidding, relax Morgan. Not much is new here. Hey, I had TWO valentine's this year! My sweet and sensitive girlfriend Melissa, she's a peach, and my good friend Kelly, and out of all the guys she could have had she was MY valentine! Gotta get to bed, but oh god the humanity! Remember to always put it away before you enter into the darkness! Argh!

2/12/00 - Have you ever felt like a third wheel? Like one so bad, that you hated yourself for being around? I just don't know anymore. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, with anyone, or doing anything. I feel lost and stranded. God you guys are probably thinking i'm nuts, but don't worry about me. I'll find my group one day. I know I can't be the only one like me. I used to think being different was a blessing, but maybe it's a curse after all. I can't change who I am, although I can't say for sure I don't want to. But then again, better to be myself than change who I am to fit in. That would be going against everything I stand for. It seems like the more I try to convince everyone i'm not what they say I am, the more it seems it turns out they're right. But what can I do? I'm stuck. It's like these metaphorical nails of fear are holding me to a floor of unbelonging, and there's a hammer of release waiting to set me free, but it's just out of my grasp, and that's why i'm so frustrated because I don't know how to reach it. Have you ever seen that thing, where someone offers someone a hand, and they take it but the hand is fake and falls off? That's also a good metaphor. I'm in a metaphorical mood, if you couldn't tell. It's like my friends offer me a hand, and i'm swept with relief to be helped. I feel all my troubles are going away, and i'm saved. I'm being pulled, up, and finally free. But then that hand turns out to be fake, and I fall back down, but harder and deeper than before. And then i'm offered the hand again, and although I know what will happen I take it, and when I fall I go even deeper than before. And the cycle continues, and I grab the hand everytime. Why don't I stop you ask? Because knowing that maybe next time, the hand will be real. And I will be lifted. And just maybe, I've found that hand tonight. Thank you, and you know who you are.

2/11/00 - Signed up for my 5 hour course today, i'll be driving soon, oh yes. The roads are no longer safe. Well, actually they are because I won't be on the roads. Sidewalks, will not be safe. Or stop signs. Not much bands news. We're re-trying Zach out on guitar, and we're hoping to try out Nick and Kevin. That's it for now! Good night kids!

2/8/00 - Not much news, because we haven't really done that much. Last practice was cancelled because Kurt skipped, i'm still waiting to hear about that one. Also, Snotbox may or may not be joining us in Weasel Time for practices. They got kicked out of Eric's, and they need a place to play, and they need equipment. Nothing is for sure yet, but we're hoping they come. That's about it. Luke, Morgan, and Almon had a little conspiricy against me the other day. I might have been able to appreciate a clever idea, and good acting, but it wasn't cool. I'm not going to hold any grudges, but to Luke, Morgan, and Almon, that wasn't cool. I'll let it go, but I think anyone who reads this knows my emotions are fucked up as they are, don't make them worse. Do it again, and find another bassist. Okay? I can take a joke, and I like jokes, but nothing that emotionally involved. Thanks to you guys, I wasn't eating (not that Morgan doesn't know what that's like) and I wasn't sleeping (not that Luke doesn't know what that's like), and wasn't being normal (not that Almon doesn't know what that's like). But seriously.... MEGA NOT COOL!

2/3/00 - Practice today fucking SUCKED. We got nothing accomplished. Just something else to add to a bad day. Things are so fucked up right now. Things aren't very good right now, the band as a whole and some of the individual members. I won't even get into that now. My biggest problem, is that I cause too many problems. I take things that don't really mean that much and turn them into a big deal and everything goes wrong for me from there. But there's a difference between knowing there's a problem, and actually fixing the problem. No matter how much I try to not do this, I can not I help it. I just can't. And that's why i'm having so many problems with friends, but one in particular. Most of you probably already know who i'm talking about, it's all I ever bitch about on this thing. You'd think that the more you get passed up and rejected, the more you'd get used to it. But in fact, it only gets worse and worse. Most people think punks are tough guy, big men, assholes. When in fact, punks can be some of the most sensitive and caring people you'll ever meet, it's only a matter of digging down deep enough, and how much they're willing to let it show. Not to sound too egotistical, and even if I do, at this point I don't give a fuck if I do sound it or not. I think sometimes i'm too nice and caring for my own good. Okay I warned you, but i'm not really full of myself, it just sounds like it right there. But i've thought about this a lot, and I feel it's part of my problem. I expect too much from people. For them to sacrafice too much for me, only because it's what I would do for them. But it's time I stop thinking that way, and stop being the one to get trampled on all the time. I'm sick of being the one home on weekends because I get passed over while everyone else is out having fun. If that means I have to find more friends that I can do stuff with, then I will, because frankly I don't know what else to do at this point. Things can't go on this way, I have to do something. I just hope I make the right choice.

2/2/00 - We still haven't had a practice, Luke and Kurt have been too busy with work and everything. It's hard for us all to find a good time. So, there's not really that much band news. Almon got some new tom tom's for his drum set, and we still haven't gotten a new bass drum skin to replace the one I broke. Maybe I'm a klutz because I break a lot of stuff. I go through A strings like a son of a bitch. It's starting to get expensive, I used one for two days and it broke already. There has been a lot of discussion lately in all the local guestbooks about what is punk and what isn't. I actually just had a conversation with someone just tonight on the very topic. Everyone seems to be throwing their opinion in so I might as well too. In my humble opinion, punk is something different for every person. For me, it's about the music. For some people, it's about being young and having fun. For others, it's about fighting the system and being rebelous. I don't think there really is one way to be punk, and I also don't really like saying we are punk. We criticize other people for giving labels, making sterotypes, and judging people by how they look. I think it's very hypocritical to classify ourselves or as friends as punks or not, because that would mean we're doing the exact same thing. We bitch at other people for classifying us when we're doing it to ourselves as well. I don't feel the need to fit in to any category, or change anything about myself to fit in. To me, I like the music, I like dancing to it and having fun, and just being with my friends and being myself. I have not been able to be myself with any other crowd, and that's why I feel I belong. If you disagree with anything I said here, send me an email. I'll listen to anyone's opinion on this, since you all listened to mine.



See entries 11/26/99 - 1/30/00.