He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at  high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one  of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

 The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling  ball wouldn't.  

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with  vegetable soup.  

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,  surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and  "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.  

 Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.   

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.  

 Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access  T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by  mistake.

   Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 

 The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry  them in hot grease.   

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie  this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall  Man."  

 Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the  grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left  Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19  p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.  

 The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a  Dr Pepper can.  

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that  resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.   

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also  never met.  

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of  metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.  

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like  underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.   

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon

Misc. Stuff

 A totally PC holiday greeting....

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for
an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all . .
AND a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling, and
medically-uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make
America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any
other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere),and
without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the
wishee.
DISCLAIMER:By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to
perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a
period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of

this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

If you messed up your life, you could press
"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU.....

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

- "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

- While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

- Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

- Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

- Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.

- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

- Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

- Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. -

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

- For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

- Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso

50 Ways to Scare People In the Computer Room

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

Fun things for Professors to do on the first day of class.

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm".

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

Ways to Confuse your spouse/roommate during Christmas.

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

98 WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER

WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
-------------------------------------------------
Imagine you lived a remote life but had satellite television and were able to see movies all of the time. How misguided would your life be? Below are a few of the things that you would have learned.

1 .All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
2 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving.
5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
10. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
11. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
13. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer to speak English to each other.
14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

These statements were found on actual products.

On hair dryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.
On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

From someone at work, whose identity shall remain nameless. It's a blonde joke, but I had never heard it, and it's funny.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs in to motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace. The blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to the slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when..... ...the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

The Do Re Mi Song sung by Homer J. Simpson. Also known as the Beer song.

Take that! - A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assasin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the job. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances." they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definately not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "WE must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the cirucmstances." the explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife! I guess I am not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the last man to test. Again the lead him to the same door and hand him the same gun and give him the same instructions.
The third man takes the gun and opens the door. Before the door even closes all the way, the CIA man hears the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

The Old Man and the Umbrella - An eighty year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" the old man boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew this guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued. "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
"No." the old man said.
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!"
"That's kind of what I am getting at...." replied the doctor.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

From a co-worker A woman in a Porsche was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

From my cousin, Uncle Binky (slightly edited and paraphrased, to protect the innocent.) We used to live next door to a woman who did (psychic)"readings" and such out of her house. Some weekends she would put out a large wooden sign in her front yard advertising her services. It read "Physic Readings $5" or something like that. (Maybe she only read the minds of engineers and scientists.)

Quote from Homer Simpson, upon being told he would have to wait five days to purchase a gun. "Five days? But I'm mad now!"

Quote from Gordon T. Thompson, by way of James T.
For years, we thought that an infinite nuber of monkeys sitting at an infinite number of keyboards would produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Today, thanks to the internet, we know that's not true.

Sent in from a female Lestat devotee':
If life gives you lemons, stuff em in your bra. Hey, it couldn't hurt!