Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Texas,
"What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Harvard. "Elation."

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."


Patient: How do my X-rays look Doctor?
Doctor: Well I just talked to my accountant & it looks like you're going to need surgery.


Doctor to patient being prepared for an operation:
"We're going to have to knock you out. Would you like anesthetic or a peek at your bill?"


I went to a doctor for a complete checkup & the first thing he did while I undressed was to examine my wallet.


Q: Am I getting better, Doctor?
A: I don't know, let me feel your purse.


Patient 1: the doctor said he'd have me on my feet within 2 weeks.
Patient 2: And did he?
Patient 1: Sure. I had to sell my automobile!"


Have you ever made a serious mistake in treating a patient?" asked the friend of the surgeon.
"Never but once," replied the surgeon.
"Was it fatal?"
"Almost; I charged a man $7500 for an operation & found out later he had $20 000."


When I told my doctor about my loss of memory he made me pay in advance.


A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"


At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

"I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they die of AIDS".
"I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".
"That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."


Patient to eye doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances?"

Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."


"Tell me, doctor, how much time do I have left to live ?"

"Well, it's hard to say, but if I were you, I wouldn't start watching any serials on TV."


A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.


A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."


Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.


Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.


A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"


He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."


Man 1: My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!

Man 2: My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last 50 cents you're going to die of liver problems.


A man was playing around one Saturday morning and chipped a tooth, so he went to a dentist to get it fixed. After waiting quite a while he got in and got his tooth fixed. When the dentist was almost done, he asks to the man,
"Would you do me a favor, please?, I'll take $20 off your bill if you do." The man shrugs and figures why not.
The dentist says "Just scream like you're in extreme pain?"
The man is a little confused and asks "Sure, but why, it wasn't that bad?"
The dentist says "There are about 10 people in the waiting room and I don't want to miss the big game this afternoon."


"Doctor, what can you give me for my kleptomania?"
"How about Klepto-Bismol!"


"Doctor, I keep have this dream that I'm a boat crashing into a dock. What should I do?" "Sounds likeyou need pier counseling."


"Doctor, it's been one month since my last visit & I still feel miserable."
"Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"
"I sure did, the bottle said 'Keep tightly closed'."


My doctor is so slow that his waiting room couch opens up into a sleeper.


"Doctor, my husband was run over by a steamroller. What should I do?"
"Tell him to lie flat on his back."


A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Whats the matter with me?", he asked.
"You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor.


Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under.
"You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset.
"You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots."
"Why, that's no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people like shoes better than boots."
The patient was elated, "That's neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts",she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."


A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling,
"Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says,
"What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."



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