Mike's Jokes-Short Jokes

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said,
"I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

Two women who hadn't seen each other for a while met at the mall. One said to the other, "Agnes, it's been so long. I heard you even got married."
"Yes," the second said, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too!"
"Hmmm," said the first woman, "Isn't that bigamy?"

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q:Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
A: His lips move.

Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?
A: A lawyer.

The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked,
"What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The attorney said, "All twelve of you?"

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.

“I’m as sober as you are, your Honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

As the lawyer woke up after surgery he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down, they're good.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?...He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.