TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.


TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!


TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!


SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.


TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED : I get up early.


TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.


TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.


HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.


TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON : I hope you didn't either.


GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.


MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.


SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.


TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.


TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.


HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.


TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN : All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence" and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.


TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
TOBY : Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?


The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" voice shouted, "Okay---you start."


MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.


TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA : A new bike.


TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT : One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.


TEACHERS : If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!


TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS : I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER : I was standing on it.


"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"


That Kid in My Class Is So Dumb...

That kid in my class is so dumb that mind readers only charge him half price.
That kid in my class is so dumb that he left his brain to science snd science rejected it.
That kid in my class is so dumb that he once appeared on Lifestyles of the Dumb and Stupid.
That kid in my class is so dumb that he tried to pitch horseshoes but didn't take them off the horse.
That kid in my class is so dumb that he paid $50 for a tattoo in the shape of a freckle.


It was the final exam for an English course at the local university. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.


What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)

You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
(I used it as a grad student.)

If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
(If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)

Various authorities agree that...
(My hunch is that...)

The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
(I don't know.)

You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
(I don't know.)

In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
(I really don't know.)

We haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
(I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.)

We can continue this discussion outside of class.
(1. I'm tired of this - let's quit. 2. You're winning the arguement - let's quit.)

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. If will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night to prepare a lecture.)

Any questions?
(I'm ready to let you go.)

The implications of this study are clear.
(I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.)

The test will be 50-questions, multiple choice.
(The test will be 60-questions, multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions [1000 words or more] and no one will score above 55%.)

The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C+.)

The test scores were a little below my expectations.
(Where was the party last night?)

Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone flunked.)

Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?
(Has anyone opened the book yet?)

According to my sources...
(According to the guy who taught this class last year...)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)

My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)

This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)

Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.)

Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)

Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.)

Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)

Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)

The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.)

There are two Teaching Assistants available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)

You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)

Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)

The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.)

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)

Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)

Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)

It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)

I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)

Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)


Two sisters came home from school crying their hearts out.
"What's wrong?" asked their mother.
First sister started wailing, "The kids at school make fun of my big feet."
"There, there," soothed the mother. "Your feet aren't that big."
She turned to the second sister. "Now why are you crying?"
"Because I've been invited to a ski party & I can't find my skis."
"That's okay," said her mother, "you can borrow your sister's shoes."


DAD: Look at this report card! Your teacher says she can't teach you anything!
SON: I told you she was no good.


JASON: Hey, Dad, what would you say if I got a 100 on my math test?
DAD: I'd be in such shock, I'd probably have a heart attack.
JASON: I'm always looking out for your health, Dad. That's why I settled for a 60.


"Son, I'm sorry you flunked your math test. How far were you from the right answers?"
"Three seats"


TEACHER: Tony, please use the word "information" in a sentence.
TONY: Sometimes ducks fly information.


The meanest principal in the world was worried that his private school would close because of a lack of students. One day he called in his assistant & demanded that she go out & recruit new students or be fired.

Five new students enrolled the following day and the next day had ten new students enroll. Pulling his assistant aside one day, the principal asked,
"How did you get so many new students to sign up?"
"It was easy," she said. "I just started a rumor that you were quitting."


PRINCIPAL: Congratulations! Your son was finally promoted to the third grade. How does he feel?
MOTHER: He was so excited he nicked himself shaving!


MATH TEACHER: If there are a dozen flies on the table & you swat one, how many are left?
STUDENT: Uhh, just the dead one?


TEACHER: What is another name for a bunch of bees? SEAN: A good report card.


Four Ways to Tell When School Cafeteria Food is Terrible

  1. The mashed potatoes are so stale that you cut your finger on them.
  2. They serve frogs for lunch and dissect hamburgers in science class.
  3. You break a tooth eating a Jell-O cup.
  4. Instead of knives & forks, you get hammers & crowbars.

MATT: Mom, tomorrow there's a small PTA meeting.
MOM: What do you mean by small?
MATT: Just you, me and the principal.


A child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."


These Are Actual Answers Given on High School Science Tests:

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Some people say we condescended from the apes.

The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity.

Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.


A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this.
Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.


Robert's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said,
"I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"
"Idiot!" said Robert, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!"


A high school girl runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars."
He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"


UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM-FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION

Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time
(b) 5:00
(c) am or pm?
(d) Happy hour

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
(d) foreigners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
(e) Prince

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
(c) He wasn't my relative

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Europe

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify


At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time -- however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?



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