How do you get a guy with a PhD in history off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

My son has gone off to college, and since he's never been away from home before, I sent him this little note to keep up his spirits, and let him know that he's missed:

Dear Son-

Well, it's been a week since you've gone off to school, and like many conscientious teenagers, I'm sure you're wondering how we're getting along without you, and how we've had to handle the division of labor now that you're no longer available to do your chores. Well, fret no longer; although the physical strain on me is not insubstantial, I've found a way to take on all of those household chores with which you've so graciously been willing to do for us. Just to give you an example, let me review my week for you.

Monday - Slept late. Opened a new container of juice, left the safety seal on the counter. Then turned the TV on and left for work. Later, opened a new package of Oreo cookies and took all but 6 to nibble on while I went driving around aimlessly with some slightly stoned friends.

Tuesday - Slept late. Ate the last of the Oreo cookies, and carefully put the empty container back in the snack drawer. Parked my car across the driveway to make it difficult for anyone else to get into the garage. Washed a load of my own clothes, and three towels, leaving the rest of the laundry on the floor.

Wednesday - Slept late. Drank all but a quarter of an ounce of the orange juice I opened the other day, and put the (almost) empty container back in the fridge. The phone rang, so I took an important message for myself, purposely misspelling the name of the caller and only writing the last four digits of the phone number. That evening I waited until somebody ran the dishwasher, then put dishes from Monday that I had been hiding in my room into the sink.

Thursday - Slept late. Purposely neglected to wheel the trash bin out to the curb so that I could get some exercise by dashing out there early Friday morning. Let the hot water run for twenty or thirty minutes to heat up the bathroom for my shower. Opened all the windows and turned on the air conditioner before leaving for work.

Friday - Slept late. Took a 45 minute shower, then left the wet towels in various rooms in the house. Waited until the sink was clean, then put some dishes that I had been saving for a few days on the counter. Later that night, arranged to have some drunk friend call up at 1:30 in the morning, crying about something incoherent.

Saturday - Slept late. Purposely dawdled all morning, timing everything so that it started raining as soon as I got the lawnmower out of the garage. Went back inside, leaving the lawnmower out in the rain. Played the stereo loud enough to drown out the noise of the telephone. Opened a can of soda, took a few sips, then put the can back in the fridge.

Sunday - Slept late. Spent most of the rest of the day complaining of boredom.

So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. I plan to diligently keep up to date on your chores for as long as necessary. Please, if you see that there is anything that I may have neglected, be sure to let me know.

Hope you're doing just fine up at school!


What's the difference between a computer and a prison warden?
One executes a program and the other programs an execution.

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be President?"

What does a hippopatamus have to come up with in order to get a Ph.D.?
A hippo-thesis!

John was talking to his friend in school. My father does not know whether to buy a bicycle or a cow. Susan tried to give some advice.
'Your father would look silly riding a cow'
'And he would look sillier milking a bicycle' replied John.

Why was the headmaster worried ?
-Because there were too many rulers in school !

What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school?
-Bye son! (byson)

You've Been on Campus Too Long When You...

-Think that McDonald's/Burger King is "real food".
-Know more than 5 uses for milk crates.
-Can sing your school's fight song after only one weekend!
-Think that going to the mall is a special trip.
-Start doing homework!
-Have conversations about homework!
-Know your roomie's life like it was your own.
-Ask your girlfriend "out" to the campus restaurant.
-Stay in the dorm for weekends.
-Call your dorm room "home".
-Start thinking that the only people left on earth are the people who go to your university.
-Can recommend web sites to your friends!
-Know about more web sites than Yahoo!
-Start doing your own wash!
-Think that it's O.K. to call people at midnight, off campus!

The absent-minded professor's life changed dramatically when he got a brand-new hearing aid. Showing it off to his his wife, he said,
"This is the best hearing aid in the world. I haven't heard this well since I was a kid."
"What kind is it, anyway?" asked his wife.
The professor looked at his watch & replied, "Oh, it's about ten minutes to five."

As the storm began to rage, the absent-minded professor started outside when his wife stopped him, asking, "Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going out to water the flowers," he replied. "But it's raining outside!" said his wife.
"You're right," said the professor, closing the door and walking to the closet.
"I'd better take my umbrella."

"Mommy, mommy, the school is going to burn down!"
"How do you know?"
"Because we've been practicing for it all year."

Teacher: Henry, what are you doing with a hot dog on your ear?
Henry: Uh-oh! I must have eaten my pencil.

An astronaut graduated near the bottom of his class. On his first mission into space, he was teamed up with an orangutan. The astronaut & the orangutan were each given an envelope that they were to open once they got into space. Moments after blastoff, the orangutan opened his envelope, read the contents, and then began flicking buttons.

Excitingly opening his envelope, the astronaut was surprised to discover three words of instruction: "Feed the orangutan."

N. I. H. E. Dublin, Ireland

Final year exam 1999
Time: 9 am till opening time.

Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper. Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult to read.

1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?

2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the first names of the Osmonds.

3. What religion is the Pope? [Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only)].

4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?

5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE only).

6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.

7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?

8. There were six kings of Britain called George, the last one being called George VI. Name the other five.

9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket?

10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number out of sequence.)

11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?

12. Name the odd man out--Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury, Jack the Ripper.

13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?

14. Who built the Great Pyramid?--Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only).

15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?

16. At what time is News at Ten?--9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know.

17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to--Build a bridge, Sail the ocean, Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?

18. What holiday falls on January 1st?--Christmas, New Year, August Bank holiday, St. Patrick's Day?

19. Is a dunker a :

(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball?

20. Do you understand Newton's law of gravity? Answer YES or NO

21. What is 39 and 39 ( one answer only )

(i) 101.
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five

22. Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far.)

"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest & a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

FOX: "What are you working on?"
RABBIT: "My thesis."
FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"
RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause)
FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter & resumes typing. Soon, a wolf comes along & stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"
RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." (loud guffaws)

WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow & again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes & goes back to typing.

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching & picking his teeth.

(The End)

MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

Why are you always at the bottom of your class?
What does it matter, mom? They teach the same things at both ends.

SCHOOL BULLY: If I hit you three times and said I'm sorry twice, what would you say?
DWEEB: I'd say you owe me an apology.

"All right, everybody on their backs with their feet up in the air!" the gym teacher shouted to his third grade class.
"I want you to pretend that you're riding a bicycle."
Dropping to the floor, the students began rapidly kicking their legs in the sky--all except for one boy who slowly moved one foot in the air while the other leg lay limp on the floor.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the gym teacher.
"Isn't it obvious?" said the boy. "I've got a flat."

The Kids in My School Are So Rich...

They're so rich, they give their teacher an Apple and an IBM a day.
They're so rich, their treehouses have butlers.
They're so rich, their school has a mall in it.
They're so rich, for a science project, they bought a diamond mine.

Dana's father was trying to teach his son about self-confidence.
"You should avoid using negative words such as 'can't' and 'not'" advised his father.
"Do you think you can do that, son?"
"Well, Dad, I can't see why not."

Will, Phil and Gil were comparing report cards during recess.
"Guess what, I'm first in History!" exclaimed Will.
"And I'm first in Math," said Phil.
The others watched as Gil quickly tucked his report card back into his pocket and said, "Well, when the bell rings, I'm first out the door!"

The human brain is a wonderful thing.
It starts working in the morning and doesn't stop until the teacher calls on you.

While on a field trip to an amusement park, the teacher lost his wallet. Gathering the group together, he told the kids,
"There was $300 in my wallet. I will give a $20 reward to anyone who finds it."
A voice from the back of the group chimed in, "And I'll give $25!"

49 Ways to Intimidate Your Professor

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up & scream IMPOSTER!
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

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