TOP 11 THINGS TO DO WHILE AT A DRIVE THRU......

11. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

10. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping & drive on.
9. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

8. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"

7. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"

6. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

5. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

4. Take peanut butter sandwich with you, order a whole menu, when you get to the window to pay, take a bite of the sandwich then ask, "wanna fee wahf in my mouf ?"

3. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

2. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car & cause a scene.

1. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag.


Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out!

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.


20 Thinnest Books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
 16. LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
  9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
  8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
  7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
  6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
  5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
  4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
  3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
  2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
  1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton


Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter's Date When He Picks Her Up

10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."

9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.

8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.

7. Walk on stilts.

6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is here."

5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.

4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.

3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.

2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a green Ford."

1. Say, "Let's pray."


THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.


TOP 49 OXYMORONS

49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. Act naturally
23. "Now, then ..."
22. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works



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