Mike's Jokes-Funny Lists

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds with the next door neighbors.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your mate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you mate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
14. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 15. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
16. Ask your mate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
17. Fake a heart attack. When your mate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
18. Eat glass.
19. Smoke ballpoint pens.
20. Smile. All the time.
21. Burn all your waste paper while eying your mate suspiciously.
22. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your mate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
23. Leave a declaration of war on your mate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
24. Shoot rubber bands at your mate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
25. Dye all your underwear lime green.
26. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
27. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
28. Hide your underwear and socks in your mate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
29. Remove your door. Ship it to your mate's parents (postage due).
30. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
31. Whenever your mate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
32. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
33. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
34. Shave one eyebrow.
35. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your mate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
36. Put horseradish in your shoes.
37. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
38. Always flush the toilet three times.
39. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.
40. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your mate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
41. Give him/her an allowance.
42. Listen to radio static.
43. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
44. Speak into a walkie-talkie in trucker's terms.
45. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the grid and tell your mate that you've turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.
46. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your mate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.
47. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your mate's bed.
48. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
49. Come home from work/class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your mate's underwear to the stuff. When your mate comes in and comments, tell him/her, "Sorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed."
50. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you mate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.

Ways to Overcome Boredom

Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose. See how many you can do at a time.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
Polish your car with earwax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

Top Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's...

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
You have a "to do list" that includes entries for breaks & they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some products don't even exist any more. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
You normally eat out of vending machines & at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

LAWS OF WORK

1) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
3) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5) After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6) The more problems you put up with, the more problems you are going to get.
7) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8) Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9) When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10) If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
11) There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13) Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14) Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15) To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16) Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
17) Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
19) You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21) If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22) At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
23) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24) Following the rules will not get the job done.
25) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26) When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27) No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28) The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Ways to Have Fun

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Dah Dit Dit Dah Dit..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your cat "Cat".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol disinfectant spray.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Send really long joke e-mails to all the people you know.
34. Talk backwards in monotone whilst signalling with your eyebrows for an imaginary plane to land on your feet.
35. Listen in to peoples private conversations and convert them to Base 64.

Why Are Men So Cool? From Hanna Olejnik

1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays its original color.
16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
19. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
21. Same work...more pay.
22. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
23. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
24. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
25. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
26. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
28. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
29. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30. You almost never have strap problems in public.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. You don't have to shave below your neck.
34. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
35. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
36. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
37. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. You can look in the mirror and not see the fat you have. (As opposed to seeing fat you don't have.)
40. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.