Stories Haven't Been Verified But Are Funny Regardless
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under
Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to
me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Real-Life Classified Ads
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is
your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds,
and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to
assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00.
Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:
* Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
* Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water".
One of the ladies will start, and the rest of the congregation
will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be takento defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What is
Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Humorous Court Transcripts
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and
she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
s.o.b.--and she did!
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Found in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny)
Here Are Actual Statements By Airline Flight Crews.
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray
tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you
to the wing of the airplane.
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.
Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I
really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any
passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella...WHOA..!
"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin
lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children.
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. "
Actual Dialog of a Former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move
the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor & find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
......."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug & tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
......."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look there again & find
the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me & tell me if it's plugged into the
back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
From a book 'Disorder in the Court'.
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work
Q: How many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.* Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
inlaws & while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up
some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car
with the windows rolled up & with her eyes closed, with both
hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned & walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open & she looked very strange. He asked her if
she was okay & Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back
of the head & had been holding her brains in for over an
hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her
hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that
Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out
what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
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