Mike's Jokes-Jokes About Professions

Have you heard the one about the cowboy who put super glue on his six-shooters?
He always stuck to his guns.

Why do you suppose the sheriff fired the new hangman?
I reckon he was too slow learnin' the ropes.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"

The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Submitted by my friend Heather Turnbull:
REAL QUOTES FROM REAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

I would not allow this employee to breed.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has serious delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got deep into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Takes him an hour-and-a-half to watch Sixty Minutes.
Donated his brain to science before he was through with it.
Bright as Alaska in December.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been; more of a definitely won't be.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Submitted by Heather Turnbull

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal & you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock & open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

The boss was furious. 'You're fired!'
'But why, Boss?' Sam asked. 'I work 8 hours and sleep 8 hours, like everyone else.'
'Unfortunately in your case, they are the same 8 hours!'

Four men were flying to a business meeting on a private jet: a Columbian, a Japanese, and two Americans.

The Columbian lights a joint, takes two drags, and jettisons the joint out of the plane. The other three passengers look at the Columbian in shock and exclaim, "What are you doing?" The Columbian replies, "We have so much marijuana in Columbia, we don't know what to do with it."

The Japanese businessman hacks a letter into his laptop, saves it to disk, disconnects the disk, and jettisons the laptop out of the plane. The other passengers look at him in shock and exclaim, "What are you doing?" The Japanese replies, "We have so many computers in Japan, we don't know what to do with them."

The first American thinks for a moment then grabs the second American and jettisons him out of the plane (without a 'chute, of course). The other passengers look at the American in shock and exclaim, "What are you doing?" The American replies, "We have so many lawyers, we don't know what to do with them."

Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work Include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

My Top 10 Revised Job Descriptions for the 1990's

1) An Expert is anyone from out of town in a suit
2) An Accountant is someone who will charge you $50,000 to tell you you're broke.
3) A Doctor is someone who makes more money when you stay sick.
4) A Lawyer is someone who is highly skilled at getting around the law.
5) An Economist is someone who can rule the world on paper, but can't balance his checkbook. 6) A Politician is someone who kisses a baby while taking the bottle.
7) A Diplomat is someone who thinks twice before saying nothing.
8) A Manager is someone who when in charge, calls a meeting; when in doubt creates a committee, and when in trouble delegates the responsibility.
9) A Real Estate Manager is someone who...Skip that one & make it the top 9
10) A Consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time.

Ten Best Things to Say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."