I wanted to create a page specifically to assist sisters in their quest for Joy in life. In doing this, perhaps one sister out there who is wondering if she should marry a certain man who is behaving in a derogatory fashion towards her, will have her eyes opened. My only hope from this page is to help make people aware that it does happen every day and in the church as well.
This first section will be a questionnaire section. This will begin with watch signs for possible abusers prior to marriage to the end of the marriage. I wanted to include a disclaimer. I'm in no way an expert in this field other than having experienced all forms of abuse from my spouse for ten years. If you read over this page and feel that you might be suffering abuse then please seek your bishop and go from there.
Abuser Checklist
1. He comes on
as a real charmer and loves you instantly.
2. He has problems
with authority figures.
3. He embarrasses
you in the presence of others.
4. He is nasty
on the road--feels other drivers are competing with him.
5. He wants your
undivided attention at all times.
6. You feel controlled
because he must always be "in charge."
7. He has a dual
personality--sometimes adult, other times childish.
8. He is very
competitive--and he must always win.
9. His promises
and apologies are meaningless.
10. He displays jealousy
toward your close friends and family members.
11. He can't tolerate
criticism and is always defending himself and
trying to justify unacceptable
behavior.
12. He has extreme
highs and low--both unpredictable.
13. He is rough
at times--love pats become more and more painful.
Twelve signs of a batterer
1. Jealousy
2. They blame others, including
you, for their faults.
3.They blame circumstances for
their problems...."If I had a better job"
4.Their behavior is unpredictable.
5.The belittle you verbally.
6.They cannot control their
anger. Or seem to not be able to control it.
7.They always ask for a second
chance.
8.They say they'll change. Offer
to go to counseling. Find God.
9.Their family resolved problems
with anger/violence.
10.They play on your guilt.
11.Behavior worsens with alcohol/drugs.
12.They are closed minded. Theirs
is the only way.
Questions To ask yourself
1.
Are you afraid of your partner?
2. Do you sometimes feel like you have to walk on pins and needles to keep
your partner from
getting angry?
3. Has your partner ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed you?
4. Has your partner ever pulled your hair?
5. Do you ever feel like you deserve to be punished?
6. Do you ever feel like you've done something wrong but you just can't
figure out what it is?
7.Have you lost all respect or love for your partner?
8.Is your partner very good to you most of the time -- sometimes downright
wonderful, but every
once in a while very cruel or scary?
9.Does your partner drive you crazy or make you feel like you're going
crazy?
10.Do you find yourself sometimes thinking of ways of killing your partner?
11.Have you believed that your partner would kill you?
12.Have you been told by your partner that he or she would kill you?
13.Has your partner threatened or attempted to commit suicide?
14.Have you thought that suicide would be a good thing for you because
everybody would be better
off without you or if you'd never been born?
15.Were you abused as a child?
16.Have you ever done harmful things to yourself like cutting yourself,
agreeing to do things you
don't like, engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior, etc. because you
felt like you should be
punished when things have gone badly?
17.Have you been forced by your partner to do something you didn't want
to do?
18.Have you lost all or most of your friends since you've been with your
partner?
19.Have you put up with something that made you really uncomfortable, or
something that you
really knew was wrong, because you love your partner?
20.Do you feel isolated, like there's nowhere to turn for help, and that
no one would believe you
anyway?
21.Have you lost a job because of your partner?
22.Have you ever "frozen" when your partner gave you "the look"?
23.Do you feel emotionally numb?
24.Do you feel like you have to say that you're doing okay even when you
really aren't?
25.Have you ever left your partner or had your partner leave because of
how you were treated, but
later returned or allowed your partner to return after promises that it
would "all be different."
26.Are you afraid to tell anybody about what's going on in your life because
you don't want your
partner to get in trouble or go to jail?
27.Have you ever had sex shortly after a violent episode?
28.Have you ever been in a relationship where you could have answered yes
to these questions,
but right now you're past all that?
29.Are you certain that you're not being abused because:
You fight back?
You've never been hit?
You've never been hit with a closed fist?
You've never had to go to the hospital?
You've never had a broken bone?
You deserve what you get?
You give as good as you get?
Nobody ever treated you this well before?
You're not like "those" people that abuse happens to?
30.Do you feel that you are better or smarter than people who are abused?
31.Are you certain that abuse is going to stop because:
You're going to love your partner so much that he or she will stop abusing
you?
Your partner has so much potential, and is going to change?
Your partner is so nice to you when other people are around? or
Your partner comes from a difficult background and is getting better all
the time?
32.Are you afraid to ask for help because you're afraid that:
No one will understand?
People will say that you're:
overly sensitive?
whining?
immature?
making it up?
trying to get attention?
crazy?
trying to get out of your responsibilities?
unfaithful?
lying?
a wimp?
homosexual?
a man/woman hater?
You deserve to be treated like that?
You haven't been treated badly enough yet?
Everyone you know will find out how much of a failure you really are?
You don't want to tear your relationship or marriage or family apart?
33.Do you find yourself agreeing with or giving in to your partner when
you don't really agree?
Questions for Abusers to ask themselves:
1.Is
your partner afraid of you sometimes?
2.Are you jealous of your partner?
3.Do you need to know where your partner is at all times and with whom
and doing what?
4.Are you very protective of your partner?
5. Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle?
6.Do you feel like sometimes you have to put your foot down to straighten
things out in your
relationship?
7.Have you ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed your partner?
8.Have you ever said "Don't make me angry!"?
9.Have you ever threatened your partner?
10.Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat,
even if you never really
would do it or were just joking?
11.Have you ever said or thought "If I can't have you, nobody can!"?
12.Have you ever had sex shortly after a violent episode?
13.Have you ever thrown things or hit walls during an argument with your
partner?
14.Do you find yourself "convincing" your partner on a regular basis to
do things that he or she
would rather not do?
15.Do you consider it important that things go your way?
16.Do you think that your partner sometimes deserves to be hit?
17.Do you think that your partner sometimes wants to be hit?
18.Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is
hurt?
19.Have you ever intentionally harmed or broken something which was important
to your partner?
20.Have you ever been afraid to tell someone about something that happened
between you and
your partner because you were afraid that they wouldn't understand and
that you would be in
trouble (maybe even legal trouble)?
21.Are you sure that you don't have an abuse problem because:
you see people around you doing worse all the time?
you never meant to hurt anybody?
you are a harmless, loveable person?
anybody else would treat your partner at least as badly?
you think that you are better or smarter than abusers?
you love your partner?
you never hit your partner?
your partner always hits you back/first/more?
your friends all tell you that it's okay?
22.Do you think you have an anger problem?
23.Have you ever seen your partner "tune out" while you were yelling at
him or her?
24.Have you ever seen your partner honestly fear you?
25.Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to?
26.Have you ever physically stopped your partner from leaving?
27.Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree
with you?
28.Would you be completely non-violent and non-threatening "if only...."?
29.Have you been told by your partner or others that you are:
Selfish?
Mean?
Controlling?
Critical?
Stubborn?
Manipulative?
Cruel?
Arrogant?
Hypocritical?
30.Do you find yourself answering questions here with "yes, but..."?
31.Have you ever threatened or attempted to kill yourself or a partner?
Soul Searching
Are you preparing to marry someone and looking for questions to ask yourself first? Well this is the section for you.
1.
Do you feel that its just you and he against the world because no one else
likes them?
2.
Do all your friends and people you respect tell you not to marry him?
3.
When you have arguments with them, does he ever verbally bash you?
4.
When they are driving, and they get upset, do they often hit the excellerator
and drive irrationally? If not often, have they EVER done this?
5.
Do you ever receive compliments from them?
6.
Do they take you away from doing the things in life that truly make you
happy?
7.
Have they ever confided in you that they have considered/attempted suicide
in the past?
8.
After an argument are you showered with gifts?
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If you are a woman and are in need of some support then there is an e-mail list that I created for LDS women experiencing or who have experienced spousal abuse. Its called Mary and Martha. Check out that page and see if its something you'd be interested in.
I'd
like to create an experience page. This will be a page where women
tell their stories and they can remain anonymous if they wish. Please
go to this page by clicking on the Next at the bottom of the page.
As you read the stories you will find links to e-mail me stories and experiences
that you have to add to it. It will be at the sole discression of
me to determine where the stories fit in. I must be very careful
as I add this as not to receive any fraudulent messages. I'm very
guarded about this because it is a sensitive issue. If you are a
possible abuser, again I ask you to direct your stories to Blaine Nelsons
Abuse pages. His page is more for that side of things.