progress9

Progress of Another Pilgrim

January 9, 1980 The Seeker: Dear One Who KNOWS, I always know when I am to write. I can feel it coming sometimes weeks in advance. I cannot bring it forth of myself, but neither can I suppress it. There is no manifestation of a thing until it is seen; it is brought to birth as it is expressed. The Work of God is conceived in the spirit, where it cannot be seen, even by the mother, [Father knows!], and then to selected ones, as in the stable at Bethlehem - those who seek the Child, those who can perceive in the Babe in the straw the One Who is Hope and Salvation. I think this must be a protection of the tender and vulnerable until it has come to maturity and is ready for the pressing and trampling of the crowds. Is it in this way the Manchild is caught up to God and His Throne [Rev.12]? And is He born in us always and only for the purpose of giving His Life for the world? He made me glad by His Work. My spirit rejoiced with that unquenchable joy of victory in the midst of conflict. I was still, and KNEW that He is God. My praise was free, overflowing, irrepressible. His Love flowed through me. He drew me to fix my gaze more intently on the horizon, lightening with dawn, to see His coming in glory and power. I thought of His coming; He rode into the city once on an ass, meek and lowly, bearing the yoke of the Lord, bringing salvation. Yes, that is an essential preliminary to His entrance as King of Glory. But how will He come this time? On a mighty charger? No, that is not His way; a horse may not share His glory. Coming on the clouds! Clouds? The dust of His feet [Nahum 1:3]. His enemies shall be made His footstool. The earth is His footstool. The dust of the earth, raised by the Spirit of Life; manifestation of the conquest of Love. Yes, coming in glory and power on the clouds - in ME! We spoke of gifts, and giving, and receiving. I asked that He enable me to fully receive each gift that is Given. We spoke of The Gift, and I sought to perceive Him whenever He comes, to receive Him fully however He comes. I desired enlargement of heart. He reminded me of His instruction to the one who loves and obeys and walks in darkness without light, [Is.50:10]. Yes, I would trust in the Name of the Lord, and stay upon My God! He comes, the King of Glory. My Savior! My God! My King! I sang and shouted for joy, for He comes! My Beloved! My Friend! My Life and Breath! Peace, and rest... I determined to glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest [pitch a tent over and dwell] upon me. Upon all, the glory shall be a defense. I earnestly desired to be clothed upon with my house which is from heaven. Therefore would I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. His grace would be sufficient; I would see His strength made perfect in weakness. Great darkness covered my earth, but the Word of the Lord came to me saying that my eyes should see the Salvation of Israel. In the fullness of time, God sent forth His Son. I set myself to wait with Him.... I see Jesus, and the excitement of the masses over His Works, unperceptive of the Spirit of them and the Truth expressed. But there was a rare bit of good soil, where He was seen and received. The whole mentality of even His Own, trusting in horses of flesh and chariots of the world, was that of expecting an external revolution and establishment of a visible kingdom? They were entirely unconscious of the true problem and the nature of the spiritual Kingdom. I see the Father, knowingly, deliberately, giving His Only Son to be despised and rejected by sinful man; His Name, His Nature to be mocked and scorned. Yet, in all, our Elder Brother gives forth only Love! Moving among His own, He is stabbed by every hurt unconsciously inflicted upon another, more sensitive to it than the wounded one. He suffered the anguish of Love for those who ignorantly choose to hurt themselves. He is unamused by the coarse, bruising jokes that pass for humor. His pain of rejection and betrayal by His whoring wife is her pain, though she comprehends it not. Ignorance is the numbness of His grace, Mercy that is unwilling to reveal His own hurt to the one who causes His pain until that one truly desires to know. Giving, giving, with few thinking of Him or of giving to Him - especially among His own. Celebration of God's Gift of Himself turned into a mockery of His Spirit; He Himself ignored, as though He were not there. Yes, even among His own.... Yet He was content with the Father's Timing for each part of His life as He walked it out, step-by-step, patiently, without the least envy of any other's joy or comfort, and with no complaint toward God. I have seen Him come thus. I have walked beside Him, watching Him. My eyes have looked out upon "them", but I have seen only myself. I have desired to receive Him fully, but find only that I cannot. Indescribable bitterness! Crushing grief! Incapacitating heaviness of spirit! Unimaginable weariness, compounded by an endless, relentless battle. For this, He has promised to carry, to deliver; for this, there is the Hope of Salvation. This is the process of enlargement, that I may receive. It is the travail which brings forth Life. I walk as one that is dead. It is a living death. There is not Life in me - dry bones, awaiting the Breath of Life. Yet I know there is Life in me. It seems I must somehow take hold of His Strength, that I am somehow responsible for commanding the Four Winds... If I but knew! if I could but cooperate! if I could but quiet myself, that all my earth might be silent before Him, that I might again experience that stillness of Knowing Him! When will the waters no more overflow me? When will the fire no more burn? When will He no more be straitened within me? How long, O Lord? But I have no patience for questions for which I know the answers as completely as I can know them. I am too weary to play games. There is not a manifestation until a thing is seen: it is not brought to birth until it is expressed. I cannot bring it forth of myself; neither can I suppress it. There can be no greater suffering than that which is beyond one's endurance. An obedient child need not understand; his time has not yet come for the responsibility of understanding. Precious, the child-like faith that freely yields all choice to the Father! Blessed state, to thus trustingly rest! In some things, I am a child. But in others, He hands the choice back to me, saying, "What do you want? You decide!" I would rather He choose, for I want what He wants, and I don't understand what that is. "You know!" He tells me, and I know it must be so, for He does not give me responsibility for which He has not prepared me. If I could find the right question to ask, He would answer, and I would understand. But sometimes the question eludes me, and I can only grasp those to which I already know the answer. I have long been searching for such a key, that I may understand how to go on. I know something about it, for I have felt it many times in the dark. I have even heard partial Answers, but I cannot put them into place without the question. I have seen, more than one, delivery of an infant retarded by a full bladder that impinges upon the birth canal. When it is emptied, birth soon follows, sometimes even being dramatically precipitous. I sense that there is now such an obstacle, a misconception I would gladly be rid of, if I but knew what it is; a truth I would rejoice to embrace, if only I could perceive it. I've made many fruitless searches in all-too-familiar places, (Though the fault may not be with the places, but with my state when I am there.) They are needless circular excursions of the mind that do not contribute to my growth, except as they cause me to seek Him the more. The time involved in this is of no consequence, but the hindrance to Life arouses my indignation. Often I see far beyond where I am, and seeing, think myself there, or desire so strongly to be there that my imagination is activated in an attempt to hurry God's Hand. My vision is thus clouded by these misconceptions, and my journey delayed. I need proper understanding to enter in, to potentiate that marriage of understanding and will. I understand that it is in the morning that joy comes; that glory and reigning is subsequent to suffering with Him; that a mother forgets her pain for the joy that a son is born; that He, too, is satisfied when He sees the fruit of His travail. I am beginning to understand that times and seasons are a pattern of life, and must be so if it is to be continuously creative rather than a static nihilism. Surely, to be in the world and not of it is to suffer. Even into this am I called. Too often I am weighed down by heaviness and incapacitated by weariness. It is necessary at these times that I set aside all else to battle and come to a place of rest, but oh! how I wish for constant vision to see the situation as His opportunity! How I yearn to enter into His joy, anticipating His victory. (Is joy, in fact, but the other side of suffering?) How I long to know His way of Love! I feel so acutely the hindrance to the natural outflowing of His Love. The Pressure within drives me into a frenzy to seek The Way of release. I am certain all this is unnecessary to the accomplishment of God's work. Do I, perhaps, catch a glimmer of the meaning of Is. 66:7 - childbirth without travail? The manifest victory will be an internal state in which heaviness no longer incapacitates me, but rather causes me to enter into Him the more deeply, sharing His thoughts and feelings and acting them out. I think it is His sharing and my inability to act out that causes such anguish. Here He teaches me through my horn. (Truly, the whole of my life seems to be expressed through His use of that instrument with me!) He is showing me how I judge myself. I know what I want to hear (though my inability to distinguish between excellent and mediocre horn playing is disconcerting, proving even that knowledge woefully inadequate!); I may have the technical knowledge of reading the music, and perhaps even the skill of producing good tone. But somehow, when I put it all together, it disappoints my expectations. I feel frustrated. "Perfect!" my teacher says, because she is not looking for results, but instead, at foundation skills. On the other hand, when I hear to my satisfaction, she says, "The tongueing is not good." That troublesome tongue! I don't like the sharp, emphatic tongueing that reveals my fuzzy notes! Much more comfortable to seek the notes more softly so I can slide in unnoticed (by me, that is!) Instinctively, I do so. . How can I play with confidence when it sounds so bad and hurts so to listen? Having discovered that I am a perfectionist, she assigns more than enough to keep me busy so I can’t dawdle over details, attempting to perfect what can only come with practice, and concurrently reinforcing bad habits. I am learning to trust her judgment. And in it all, I see Him, for that is precisely what He is doing with me. In the writing of this, Jeremiah 15:18 came to my attention, and I wonder if perhaps this is my question: "Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will You indeed be to me as a deceitful brook, like waters that fail and are uncertain?" (Jer 15:18) I do not like to think I distrust Him in any way, yet what except doubt can cause the panic and hysteria I experience within when He takes me deeper than I have gone with Him before. In the end, I overcome, for His victory is true and will be manifested. But in the middle.... I know that in truth I do trust Him, for even when I cannot rejoice (I thought I could always at least rejoice in His Salvation, but even that I cannot do but by His Grace), I can praise Him, thank Him, and ask Him to complete His will in me. And it does teach me to lean, for I cannot go myself. God’s instructions to Jeremiah are plain, and I would like to obey. Perhaps I misunderstand how He sees. As long as I see my nature as the real me, I must ever lie guilty before God. He made the wild animals. They are His idea. But it is man He deals with. The real me is my regenerate spirit, the Truth of “It is Finished!”, His Life in me. If I fear the lion’s roar, if my animals rampage, it is because I have not yet exercised complete dominion over them. That is my responsibility (Gen. 1:28). He won’t do it for me. The victory (His Dominion over me!) must be won before my dominion can be exercised. It indeed has been won: He has told me it is finished; I am crucified with Christ. What is the essence of the victory? Internal Restoration of proper order. It is only gained by Love, which casts out fear and builds trust. Not perfection of results, but freedom to grow in expression of internal truth and to exercise dominion. It is the affirmation of Good--not the obliteration of evil, but the swallowing up of it. Must my nature always be evil? I acknowledge that it is. God did not destroy animal existence, nor did He redeem the animals; He ordains that they be controlled. I have learned to fear and to hate the dominance of my animal nature. He hates it too--but does He love the “animals” themselves? Must I, too, learn to love them IN THEIR PROPER PLACE? And cease to fear them? (For to fear them is to doubt the victory.) The Law of Opposites implies that the potential for evil resides in God. It must be so if He is Good, for evil is the abuse of good, its other side. It is utterly unthinkable--impossible--that it should ever assert itself in Him, for He is Perfection, Holy God, Life Itself! Is that what He does by His Life in me? (“Life can only be manifested through the rightful interaction of opposites.” [Grubb?] God “made manifest in the flesh”!) How am I to view these outbreaks, these uprisings within me? Love does not fear, but seeks proper order that all may fulfill its intended purpose. Is that how I am to love my self? How does He see me? How can He be pleased? How can He joy over me with singing? How can He love me? I know that He does, but I must understand that Love more. He is coming in the clouds. In me. B. typed and edited by VAD, NAK, CKN

June 4, 1985

The Seeker I feel like I am living on the cutting edge of Life, in the state of the art of living. It is frontier living, on an ever-expanding boundary. The staggering thing about freedom of will is the responsibility inherent in it. It is only His Love - both the gentle and the tough - that enables me to press on. it is the most profound Paradox.... I feel like a little child doing experiments, exploring a field of knowledge new to her. This child began by always following the book; later, she followed the Teacher's instructions, spoken directly in her ear. But now He says nothing, and she feels an overwhelming desire to see what happens if... It is frightening, because she has not mixed some of these chemicals before, and her Teacher will not tell her the consequences, nor does He guarantee to protect her from them. Surely he will not let her be blown up - but then, His Firstborn Son was sent to His death...! Ah, but He will go with her.... Nor are the consequences the only risk. The driving hunger that overcomes the fear of risk is the desire to learn - to see and experience Truth, and to lose one's own existence in it. So even more sobering than the possible consequences is the danger of misinterpreting the results and missing the point. Not only is it important to see what happens, but one must discover what it means. It would be so much easier if the Teacher would explain it all, but He does not, although the child has the distinct impression that everything she needs has been made available to her. I see a difference between God's working through one, and one's working together with Him. It is a difference of consciousness. God works through me, and I am always prostrated with awe and worship when it is unfolded to me in retrospect. But I yearn for the time when my interference is so dead that He can safely share with me what He is doing as He DOES it. Please tell me, am I not correct in thinking that to be the basis of your keen perception and knowledge of hearts? If so, then He is again demonstrating to me through you, and at the same time exercising me in this direction. (Do you realize what a relentless pacesetter you are?!) What an exercise, initiated by my phone call yesterday! I would apologize for intrusion, except that I believe it was all His "set-up" for me, and an exercise of the Teacher in you at the same time. Whether or not you were aware of your role, you are the only instrument that would have evoked from me that particular response. It is because I know you to be so in accord with Him that I always find myself inescapably confronted by Him alone! I had been writing, addressing an ongoing issue with the thoughts the Lord had brought into focus that morning. Suddenly there seemed to be something beyond my experience and the reach of my understanding, something I needed in order to complete the task. I am so "green" in matters of social action! Since He has been teaching me to hear (and receive) His counsel through "resource people" He provides, when you came to mind I felt no restraint against calling. As soon as I hung up the phone, however, I sensed that He had no intention of answering through you. There was immediate confusion - a horde of thoughts clamoring for attention: I had "blown" it again - should not have called, was depending on you and trying to evade my responsibility for hearing Him; I had not expressed myself clearly, had not asked the right question in the right way - why did He have to be so picky when He knows very well what I meant and needed? After all, this was HIS thing I was working on! (Guess that tells who I thought was working!) I felt betrayed at being thus caught out, and then appalled at the hurt and anger I saw. Then I saw the whole thing as a "set-up". Still smarting from an extensive stint within the spiral trap of negativity, I was not about to buy into those circles of thought again, whatever truth they might contain! Setting aside all my familiar criteria and conclusions, I asked Him what this meant. He said to get on with the task at hand, which He then concluded abruptly, taking me elsewhere, and giving me no time to think further. I learned later that my concern in the issue was "right on" - His thing in His time. But my debilitating and dissipating assessments, which almost put me out of commission, had nothing whatever to do with what He is accomplishing. Had you responded yesterday - and no doubt you would have had valuable insight on the issue - I would not have been forced to look beyond for the significance of the experience. As I look with Him today, I can laugh with Him at my self-induced discomfort precipitated by His "set-up", but I didn't share Him amusement at the time! The time will come when I can clear the hurdle of negativity without a thought, but for now, I will rejoice in His contrivance that drove me over it. HALLELUJAH! WHO TEACHES LIKE HIM?!!! B.