progressNOW

Progress of Another Pilgrim

NOW March, 1998 The Seeker: I am sitting here in tears as He takes me back in memory, showing me what a great chasm Love reached across through you to me in that simple gesture [of calling "sister"]. At 36+ years, I still did not feel a part of any adult world, and was still waiting to see what I would be like when I "grew up". That you, an adult of stature, whom I had long held in such high regard as a church and community leader, spiritual teacher, and accomplished artist besides; you, in whom I had come to see Christ only - that you should call me sister---! After the baptism in the Spirit (9/6/75), I experienced a steady stream of Teaching of the Holy Spirit as He unfolded Scriptures - familiar and unfamiliar - to my understanding. I was pretty much isolated in the care of my children, and had little adult socialization, and only very rarely anyone with whom to really share. I began to have "conversations" within myself, which evaporated, as it were, even as they took place - just as well, since I also filled in the other's part! When the Anointing came upon me with the revelation of the travail analogy, I might well have let that go unexpressed, had it not poured out in travail as I wrote, but I could not not write. And it was with my "big [older] sister" that I shared, for neither could I write without a "face" before me." For closer to 30 years, the Christ Life through you has been a dynamic Demonstration of Interaction with the external world, in all its variation, that issues from the Throne of God within (He brings to mind Ezekiel 47 and John 7:37). "You" have embodied His personal promise to me of a wholly integrated HOLY LIFE that exists to glorify HIM! ("And this is the name wherewith she shall be called, 'The Lord our righteousness'!") I think it is the full identification with my humanity (as described in Isaiah 1, especially verse 6) that allows that integration to begin to be a manifested reality in me. The deep rest that I experience is in a full acceptance of my own humanity, and a genuine cry - from the depths of my heart - for grace and mercy. It is also a rest from my own understanding, holding in my spirit, instead, this glorious mystery of Christ-in-me. Now I can begin to truly acknowledge Him in all my ways - not by "witnessing", but simply by being. I bow... B. March 28, 1998 The Seeker: I am sending you a mixture of material in this attachment because "your" editing is definitely needed here! I hope my explanation will not just add confusion. Let me tell you my "inside story" and submit the whole for Him to do with it as He pleases... In all my journal entries, there is no mention of the difficulties I was encountering in my family life, but only my transactions with the Lord in my inner being. Yet, those were excruciatingly painful years, as I tried to help my children learn to live in a world for which I, myself, was ill-prepared. Perhaps I appeared to others to be fairly "normal", but within, I lived in desperation, often feeling myself to be on the brink of insanity. In all my Christian upbringing, no one had ever addressed the issues of spiritual suffering--only the physical persecution suffered by foreign people in pagan cultures. So when you taught the Way of the Cross and told of the "Dark Night of the Soul", acknowledging the reality and explaining the role of suffering in human experience, it gave a sorely-needed context and meaning to my personal experience. As I labored to give voice to the intense inner drama, you truly attended me as a midwife. It was often only the strains of the Song as you "sang" that strengthened the fragile bonds of my inner and outer worlds and enabled me to continue operating in the material reality, for I much preferred the spiritual. These excerpts were selected because they show the development of my understanding of the theme of suffering and vision of the Journey. In looking back, I recognize that the pattern of His way in me has remained constant; even in this earliest record, I have made summaries, like that of April 23. The May 16th entry was written only to Him, and "The Fragrance..." was my confession of faith. None of this was shared with you until one Sunday morning. You called to me in the choir loft after church from the back corner where you sometimes sat when you sang for the service. You told in detail what you had experienced on my behalf in intercession, so precisely describing the pain as I had felt it that He had heard my cries, and that He cared. I was totally "undone" before Him, and responded with the June 12 entry. I'm sure I shared that with you. Not long after that, I saw a program that introduced the stages of dying, and I wondered if a process of grieving were a part of spiritual death. I gathered together my thoughts from 5/15 and 5/30, and I know not what else, and wrote you. Whether I rephrased my writing as to you, or left it in the original form to Him, I do not remember. But I do remember your inviting me to come, and your pointing out the parts in my letter that indicated sympathy for the flesh and telling me, "THIS IS FROM THE PITS OF HELL!" That was the day I said, "I know I will never be perfect, but--" and was abruptly cut off by your challenge, "WHO SAYS???" said with such vehemence it literally stopped me in my tracks--a life-changing moment. We must have talked for hours that visit, and I left so full that it took some days to digest and assimilate all you had fed me. I wrote a very lengthy response June 21st [referenced correspondences can be read under "THEN" which follows present day ("NOW") correspondences] which I have reconstructed probably fairly accurately from my notations. B. Sunday, March 29, 1998 The Seeker: F., I feel Pressed to express something, and that failure to do so before I go to bed would be to my peril. I have been busy with a visit from C., but have been aware throughout of an issue "on the table" in the spirit. Although I sense I do not fully comprehend it, I feel it is important to at least register recognition. This is not so much to solicit comment (which I certainly choose to welcome, should He "send" it) as to practice openness. "Intimacy is the ability to be 'naked' before another without shame." I have pondered that much and often in recent weeks. He has been teaching me that, when I feel anxiety, lack clarity of thought, and have a desire to turn my attention away from something (a form of hiding)--as I do right now--shame is operative. I fear exposure of my inner being. Jesus "despised" the shame as He endured The Cross. The connotation of the Greek word for 'despise' is one of disesteeming. As I take up my cross and follow Him, I see my application of that to be that I must so disregard any shame I feel as to make it totally irrelevant to and without influence upon my behavior. I can only work on "Progress" at His initiative, for which I am thankful. When all seems to have been brought forth into expression according to His ordering, there is a sense of completion and satisfaction. I used to review what had been written before mailing or delivering, but with e-mail, transmission is immediate, forcing a relative approximation of spontaneity for me! As I sent the most recent material Saturday morning [March 28, 1998], there was that sense of having accomplished my work. But as I awoke later and lay in bed, I felt a most acute sense of exposure of my inner being. There was no thought of what others would think, or even of others at all, but just a painful sense of exposure. I reaffirmed my commitment to The Beloved to open fully to Him. A bit later, passing through the Progress pages, I was absolutely stunned to see that the new material had ALREADY been "hung"! I had truly thought there would be some major editing, which I also expected to be Instructive to me. Throughout the day, I felt a disbelief that all I had sent could be pertinent to others. In the evening, I read your forwarded message and was prostrated in spirit before the Lord. This morning, it was as though He said, "You think your LIFE needs to be edited, yet I, the Lord, do send it forth!"...The spiritual correlation(s) is too profound for my mental apprehension. I just keep pondering the "i am" poem and "The Beloved" (sit awhile)... i bow... B. The Seeker: I have continued to experience what I can only describe as a strong sense of exposure all evening, and have looked to Him in wonderment. It is not shame, for it is not exactly painful, though there is a--is it perhaps an unaccustomed nakedness about which I cannot help but be self-conscious, but with a trust in His Love, knowing that He covers my shame? As in Scripture, He reveals only that part of a life that contributes to His creative purpose. B. Yes, I can trust Him! How exquisitely He draws forth that which He desires at the appropriate time! I will yield myself wholeheartedly to His dance. This whole day--so profound! I sense His delight, and He shares it with me. What a privilege, what joy, to be an instrument, simply resting in His Hand.., unaware of all others... B. The Singer: AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! F. The Seeker: Yes, in awe! Adoring. Bowing. B. The Singer: May the peace that is resident in the Prince of Peace permeate your life; may the Love that IS the God Most High fill your heart; may the holiness that marks us out as His be the essence of all you think, say and do. And may we worship Him altogether by His Grace. F. March 30, 1998 The Singer: God is using our words to "enflesh" the unvoiced, "stammering", "disabled", mute cries of many a sobbing heart - they who know not the words to say nor the Way to go. Am amazed and bowed before Him. My heart is full. I adore Him. F. The Seeker: Thank you, F., for sharing H.'s note with me. "The Beloved" is what I most often leave open and minimized (or not) on my [computer] screen throughout the day--so drawn to it. I've been sitting here with Him, deeply moved in spirit, much of the time since I got back from lunch with C. before she returned home. He reminds me of a day [years ago] He called me to commit my family to Him, promising to make us a praise to Him where we are placed. My mind immediately conceptualized paragons of virtue, but my spirit was agitated within. I walked up and down the hall and around and around the dining room table, pounding my fist on it and saying, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!" The phone rang, and it was you, telling me that you had been pacing through your house with me in spirit. I was totally undone... I went forth in the years that followed, sowing in tears. How often His Life reached out through you to encourage, strengthen, and guide. Times like this, when we have opportunity to share deeply--one of these "little ones" now grown to adulthood and I--I weep again, but this time with joy at the sheaves of His Cultivation that i am privileged to present back to Him. How shall i NOT trust Him when are seen the firstfruit fulfillments of His promises? i will REST in the KNOWLEDGE of His altogether WORTHINESS of my implicit trust! [The Seeker relates some personal achievements of C. in which the Singer might be interested.]... for surely you were instrumental, both directly and indirectly, in His Cultivation in her life to bring her to this point. How utterly GLORIOUS He is! Giving all praise and honor to Him, i bow. B. [The Singer - concerning another incident]:...am amazed and bowed before Him. My heart is full. I adore Him. F. i, too. B. March 31, 1998 The Seeker: I awake this morning instantaneously, with an eagerness to enter into this day and see what the Beloved has planned for the children of men today, to watch life unfold under His creative touch. A holy hush settles over me, and with a sense of rest and deep reverence, I "press my life into His hands" (have a song to share with thee). The pen-in-hand from the shame page buttons is the image of the moment, and with the greatest satisfaction imaginable, i settle--yea, nestle!-- myself into the place Ordained for me by Holy Appointment. My heart is full... It has been deeply Instructive in recent days, perhaps weeks, to watch which of the multitude of thoughts within He draws forth into expression in the moment, and to see the context into which He weaves each one. What a relief to not have to try to emulate Him, but to yield all to the Master Artist to use as He chooses! And, when there is full trust (a child-like quality, He notes), what absolute delight! ...Your responses to my many words [through the years] have often been brief, sometimes cryptic and paradoxical, occasionally most eloquent in silence (I learned early on that silence did not constitute a lack of Response), and many times given orally in conversation or woven into Holy Lessons and Demonstrations. Thus there are not many in number to include in the Progress pages. But their importance cannot be measured by numbers. F., they were LIFE to me, each one taken to heart and reread until permanently imprinted there, cherished Messages from the Beloved Himself--to me, personally. Without them, there would be no story, for there would have been no expression of my own sobbing heart's mute cries. Without interaction, my true self would have died without manifestation. Your responses were the Voice of my Beloved, calling to me to rise up from my quiet desperation and come up unto Him on a higher plane than I had known. Without fostering dependence and helplessness, and with never the slightest temptation to turn my affections from Him Whom my soul loved, they gave me hope, stirred me on when I was in danger of "camping", offered course correction when I turned out of the Way, consoled, affirmed, challenged, instructed, and enlarged my vision. They were the Voice of Love, giving me a reason to live, coaxing me out of my self-created, autistic world. And they modeled, truly and purely, the Most Excellent Way of Love--for Him, and for my fellow man--to which I know myself to be called. B. I weep and i bow. F. March 31, 1998 [the Singer and the Seeker discuss the March 29th conversation about "shame, exposure"] [the Singer]: I believe He would reconstruct thy thinking: what YOU are ashamed of is NOT what HE is ashamed of. What YOU see as goodness may not be what HE perceives - in a given moment - as goodness. What YOU perceive as holiness may not be - in a given moment - what HE perceives as holiness. Our WEAKNESS is our strength: that which ministers life and love and "approachableness" to and for others! GREAT IS THE MYSTERY OF HOLINESS. PROFOUND THE BEAUTY OF NAKEDNESS. POWER- FUL ITS ABILITY TO IMPACT THE LIVES OF THOSE WHO BEHOLD ITS UNCOVERED GLORY. HUMILITY: sweet smelling savour. We would not have what WE perceive as WEAKNESS made public tho' it is our STRENGTHS that HE ATTACKS! i adore Him Who alone is ALL AND ALL. Know what is holy to HIM by HIS PLEASURE. F. [the Seeker]: I believe He is reconstructing my entire orientation. Please keep telling me these things. I appreciate the guidance He gives through thee more than I can express. Though I think I understand the concepts on a mental level, that is so "less than" what I believe is beginning to be internalized as "truth in the inner parts"--a transformative experience? B.