More Progress2

Progress of Another Pilgrim

NOW April 1, 1998 The Seeker: Since last Saturday morning, when He had me send you all that had been gathered to date for the Progress pages, He has held me in intense, continuous, interaction with Him in spirit. He has given absolutely no opportunity for gathering peripheral details, thinking about, interpreting my experience, or monitoring my behavior (Hmm...guess those are all my natural tendencies, aren't they?) "Keeping up" with Him has demanded my total, unwavering concentration--and, I am convinced, a liberal outpouring of His Grace. Now it seems He would have me gather all up so He can put it into His Perspective. He would "restructure my thinking", you said. It feels like a restructuring of my ESSENCE! Perhaps that is because I have lived so much (in the outer world) by my mind. You said that what I perceive to be "goodness" and "holiness" may not be what HE perceives to be so in a given moment. And that which is NOT self-developed (what I consider to be my "weakness") is the very thing which "ministers life and love and 'approachableness' to and for others"! ("So then," Paul said, "death worketh in [me], but life in you.") "PROFOUND THE BEAUTY OF NAKEDNESS. POWERFUL ITS ABILITY TO IMPACT THE LIVES OF THOSE WHO BEHOLD ITS UNCOVERED GLORY." Ah, yes! I have had extraordinary opportunity to experience a Demonstration of these truths through the Progress pages this week! To have Him take--and so IMMEDIATELY!--that which I have not been able to prevent myself from trying so carefully to keep hidden, and publish it in its entirety, without even rearranging--now, THAT "blows my mind!" I expected to learn "what is holy to HIM" by what appeared in the Progress pages; but to see His Pleasure demonstrated by His choice of all that I offered, keeping it intact besides, was incredible! Contrary to former prevailing thought, it has been empirically demonstrated that shame, though it may be experienced in the presence of others, is, at its root, a private experience of self-conscious emotion. This, also, was Demonstrated. I had no idea my experience of the day was being published, yet I felt a constant, acute sense of exposure. Nor did the realization--when it came--that I was naked before others impact that sense in any way, for the "moment of truth" was the revelation of the self to the self. It was a thing between The Beloved and me, totally intimate. He shows me now that His challenge, "Do you trust Me?" in the midst of this Drama, forced a deliberate choice which enabled me to fully yield to His Way (commit to the "therapeutic process"). Having settled the issue of trust, I was free, as never before in all my life, to allow my true being un(self-)censored expression. In the face of all the doubts and fears of naked exposure, I could rise above them by a full resting in His Love, with concern only for His Pleasure in the moment, and not a thought of how to BE so as not to impinge negatively on the outer world! I cannot tell the utter joy and delight of such freedom! I have read and reread the "closing" entry for the NOW section of Progress, apprehending (in spirit!) the truth therein more deeply each time. It came this morning (yesterday, now) as The Beloved's confirmation and interpretation of the FREEDOM and REST into which He has brought me. For the first time in my life, I am free to truly live, giving all into His Hands to do with as He wills. I am thus free from self-effort and its concomitant self-absorption, and believe that, without self-evaluation, even self-consciousness, in time, will become extinct. Truly, He is fulfilling the Word given me early in the Journey:"I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known; I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." He has also told me that, if I would follow Him, yielding to and embracing the Cross, He would write HIS Story rather than my writing my own. Surely, this, too, is being fulfilled, as evidenced by the responsive chord in others as we sing! (He gives to me to say, "we", for this story is, indeed, a Song! He reminds me that He told me long ago that I would "sing" with thee--you soaring with the melody, and I taking the alto harmony. And now the others join in agreement, making a full chorus of praise to our God! Hallelujah!) "Blessed is she that believed, for THERE SHALL BE A PERFORMANCE OF THOSE THINGS WHICH WERE TOLD HER FROM THE LORD"! WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT??? i am in utter awe! i bow. i love Him. i adore Him. B. Addendum, April 4, 1998 The Singer: My dear friend, [B.], as "I" have reread and reread, and now rehang the Progress2 page (the FULL SHARING is needed for true clarity of what we are discussing between us in dialogue), I am again and again struck by the beauty of inner life shared, the precious thoughts forged out of growth coaxed forth by The Beloved. The response has been and is overwhelming. I am most blessed. Yet, I am MOST amazed that you felt NEGATIVELY exposed! I couldn't and STILL can't figure out over what? Amazing... F. The Seeker: F., I don't think it is so much a negative exposure as it is that exposure itself is painful (because of my extreme introversion?). I think there is a deep sense of shame in truly seeing myself as I am. Unimaginable that He can see beauty therein! (Now I pause and gaze deeply into the harper graphic with all its symbolism, because it is essential that I believe Him when He says, "Thou art altogether lovely!" But I didn't when it first went up. Kind of hurried past...) Perhaps this is partially due to the institutional Christian thinking. I am fascinated by my research into the issue of shame. Am today reading "The Depleted Self: Sin in a Narcissistic age", by Donald Capps. He makes the case for needing a "shame-based theology" to replace or augment the traditional "guilt-based theology". Guilt in psych lit. is differentiated from shame in that guilt is a negative attribution of behavior--what one has done--whereas shame is a negative attribution of the global self--what one is. Guilt causes one to attempt to make reparation--try harder to do better. Shame causes one to want to hide, disappear, cease to exist. I see the appropriate therapeutic approach to guilt as confession, repentance, and forgiveness, But that will not absolve shame, for how can one repent of being? (And if one has been a "good Christian"...) Unless, of course, one has been instructed in the Way of the Cross to teach how to die. One article I find most interesting is written by a nurse on the alienation of the sufferer. The whole issue of shame is interwoven with suffering, also. There is so much in all this! And I see the way He has led us--groundbreaking! Experiential learning! I'm working with someone who "feels guilty" about her parenting, though she poured out her soul doing the best she knew, and with difficult children, at that. She knows all the church teaching, even Charismatic, but all her mental knowledge does nothing to dispel the "guilt". I suspect there is an underlying issue of shame. Another thing said about shame in "Shame: The Exposed Self" (Michael Lewis) is that, since shame is such an intensely painful experience, we often substitute less painful emotions for it--such as guilt. (Prolonged exposure to shame experiences often produces depression in women, rage in men. Also, in contemporary western culture, males tend to be socialized to be guilt-prone, females to be shame-prone.) F., I have ALWAYS felt--well, I guess it's fear--upon sharing my inner person. With EVERY communication EVER sent you. Knowing the Love that has always covered my shame, I have been ashamed of my shame. I feel a constant sense of exposure now, questioning about which was part of what led me astray for hours yesterday, until I came back to a confession of faith and trust. He is teaching me a new way now, His Way, an experiential, explorative way. He has won my full trust; I am fully yielded to His Way, His Wisdom. I will despise (discount, ignore) my shame until the last vestige of my ways is dead and I KNOW what it is to stand in His Presence NAKED AND UNASHAMED! Gladly will I give Him my "dime store pearls" for The PEARL OF GREAT PRICE! Wow! I guess that little query triggered something! This has simply flowed out--no travail to bring it forth. Nothing short of amazing! (Labored about 8 hours yesterday, and had to start over for the brief message He gave me to send.) There is so much coming together in my mind that, had He not brought me to a deeper focus on the Spirit's Impulses (of which I still do not feel sure, but in which I WILL TRUST HIM!), I would be ready to fragment again... I thank Him with all my heart and eagerly cry, even so, yea, COME QUICKLY, LORD JESUS! B. The Singer: The problem is so simple without any rhetoric: we feel guilty because we ARE guilty. It is not a feeling: IT IS A FACT. NO training, rearing, etc., is necessary for the "feeling" of guilt: IT IS TRULY A KNOWLEDGE OF GUILT. NOT A GUILT OF WRONG CHOICES BUT THE GUILT OF "BEING". THERE IS NO THERAPY WHICH CAN CHANGE THAT. WE ARE GUILTY FOREVER!!! I think the shame comes about because UNCONSCIOUSLY we KNOW WE CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT [being guilty] AND WE ARE DISAPPOINTED!!!!!! EVERYTHING - our thoughts, actions, attempts, etc. - stems from the desire for INDEPENDENCE. IF WE CAN HAVE INDEPENDENCE, WE CAN THEN DO SOMETHING - FIX IT -OUR WAY. OUR DILEMMA IS THAT dependence on "someone" (particularly Someone) else for the fixing means that we have to WAIT! Wait to think, wait to see, wait to do...and we don't naturally want that. WE FEAR THE OUTCOME - WHICH IS WHY WE WANT NATURALLY TO BE IN CONTROL OURSELVES. ACCEPTANCE IS THE ONLY "PEACEMAKER". AN ACCEPTANCE OF TOTAL "UGLINESS" - OURS AND EVERYBODY ELSE'S WHO WAS AND IS - AND A REFUSAL TO HIDE IT ANYMORE ARE THE PEACEMAKERS--AGAINST "SELF"! "AGREE WITH THINE ADVERSARY QUICKLY" AND THERE IS THEN NO CHARGE HE CAN BRING AGAINST US AND, SINCE WE ARE DOING THE CONFESSING, HE CAN BRING NO CHARGE NOR ANY ACCUSATION THAT WE ARE UNWILLING TO HEAR! HE CAN BRING NO CHARGE WITH WHICH WE ARE UNWILLING TO AGREE. THEN ARE WE FINISHED WITH TRYING TO BE BETTER. NO ONE - US OR "THEM" -WILL EVER BE THAT WHICH WE DESIRE, IN THE INNER MAN, TO BE. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AND THE FUTILE FIGHT TO BE THUS IS FINISHED WHEN TRYING IS FINISHED. THERE IS ETERNAL REST - ONLY - IN THE APPLIED REDEMPTION, WISDOM, RIGHTEOUSNESS AND SANCTIFICATION OF THE BELOVED -OUR LORD JESUS. THAT ALONE IS CHANGELESS, INCORRUPTIBLE, ETERNAL. O MY BELOVED. i bow. May the peace that is resident in the Prince of Peace permeate your life; may the Love that IS the God Most High fill your heart; may the holiness that marks us out as His be the essence of all you think, say and do. And may we worship Him altogether by His Grace. F. April 5, 1998 The Seeker: This Word settles deeply in my spirit. "We have an High Priest..." I am sure it will unfold more and more deeply. I think I am acutely aware of many things in the unconscious, and I am aware that I am aware--of something. But to allow it to become conscious knowledge requires experience. I have been aware of something profound in Progress, and have recognized the opportunity Offered me--and begin to see it is Offered to others as well, if I allow Him to have His Way in me. My natural inclination is, not to deny pain and suffering itself, but to deny it's expression. I have viewed expression of "negative" emotions--indeed, of all that is human expression--as offensive input into "the mix". But it is the "foil" against which His Glory can be fully manifested... I yearn to present myself to Him in TRUE AND FULL freedom and joy. I believe He is bringing me to that. B. The Singer: I think this enterprise of "Progress" has been at greater expense [to B.] than you realize. You have moved in obedience perhaps but your inner man is wounded by it: the man of flesh. I think that just "to be" is painfully bad for you as it was for me (an INFJ (F.)- not too awfully different from an INTJ (B.) except there is NO icy indifference in an INFJ, NO detachment [as INTJs are capable of]- just that totally unnerved part you experienced - so that there was never rest from the emotions!!) So, EMOTIONALLY, it [F.'s "Dark Night of the Soul"] might have been worse for me, but I think INTELLECTUALLY [mentally] it is worse for you. F. * * * * The Singer: Yes. you have to come into touch with the great cost to your flesh [recognize and admit it]. Else you will NEVER be able to know [relate to] THE EXTREME COST TO HIM THAT WAS SO MUCH WORSE AS HE BORE THE ACCUMULATED PAINS AND SUFFERINGS OF THE ENTIRE WORLD, THE ENTIRE HUMANITY. You CANNOT avoid expressing the reality of the pain even in the face of feeling one should not, should not complain, etc., as that is ill-serving of Him [HIS suffering] Whom thy soul loveth. NOT to admit it is to keep buried the resentments, the "not-fairness", the "how could I be guilty of what I have so hard tried to avoid", the"when is enough enough", "what more [how much more] do you want" etc., etc., etc. - the UNPRETTY [murmuring] side of US [which MUST be acknowledged in order to be forgiven and healed]! F. The Seeker: F., I've just been to the website, sang with the music all of "Amazing Grace" and "It Is Well With My Soul", and eventually found myself at the Progress pages. My spirit is so full with His working in the past week, but, after this morning, my mind is really fried. I had just finished printing out this morning's "discussion", intending to read it later tonight or tomorrow morning, whenever all (within, as well as without) is quiet. There was far more than I could fully take in at the time. I have been so absorbed in each moment that I really don't remember what has been said throughout the week, so decided to read through "NOW" from the beginning. I think I "caught" more of what "You" are saying in your replies, and I think, just maybe ;-)[smile], you are right! (What a surprise!) I wait on Him to "put it all together" for me. Thank "You" again. I have been SO blessed. His mercies are, indeed, new every morning! Blest be HE! i DO so love Him. i bow. B. April 6, 1998 The Singer: My dear friend, it is my heartfelt prayer that you TRULY believe that "exposure means He is coming". You didn't "get it". You said: "I think I "caught" more of what "You" are saying in your replies"; "I think, just maybe, you may be right!" "I think...I think". After a cumulative 40 or so e-mails this weekend, you yet "think". Therein lies a major problem for you and so it has been, lo, these many years: Intellect vs. Wisdom. The one - mind ["Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." 2 Tim 3:7, KJV], the other - spirit. Another major problem: you want to be "CONVINCED". You "desire" to "debate" to learn (MENTALLY). That is not "my bag". I "don't-do-windows" (smile)! My ONLY desire is to address - speak to - the spirit in a man, for I learned long ago that SPIRITUAL things can ONLY be spiritually understood. The carnal mind cannot apprehend the things of the Spirit. (You know this to be an underlying theme of mine through the years). Another major problem is plainly evident in your comment: "I think, just maybe, you are right!" Your problem evidenced there? You do not really understand "Union". As problemmatic as these forementioned problems are, B., for "progressing", there is one that is larger than ALL - in fact, the MOTHER of them all: You want me to "shoot down" YOUR arguments thoroughly and convincingly; and THEN you can believe. The time spent on that is done. Beloved, dear friend (SO dear), your major problem is NOT shame. Your (and ALL MANKIND'S) major problem is PRIDE. [I commend to you all Proverbs 3:5-8; Isaiah 14:12-17; Ezekiel 28:12-19. This is Everyman: Natural Man: LIVING soul] i bow, F. The Seeker's response: My Dearest of Friends, "Your" Word is a kick in the head, for I KNOW "You" ARE right. I awoke in the night and lay a couple of hours bathed in the most profound peace. I believe there WAS a true Communication of Spirit to my spirit--something NOT in my understanding. By His Grace, I will hold on to that. I would like to be able to retract my response last night, and wish it were not the true response of my heart. But on the other hand, perhaps therein is true exposure, for I THINK I know better, so then this must have escaped my guard... So, I will thank Him. PRIDE. Without it, there would be no shame, would there? For shame presupposes one should be, could be different, "better"--according to one's own evaluation. I appologize to "You" (i.e., you-in-Him and Him-in-you, One through Union): For not acknowledging that Accomplished Union which is my heart's desire and goal, and the Purpose for which (I believe) the Organism exists--Fulfillment of The Beloved's Desire. "You" did bring to my attention my Freudian slip ("you") at the outset. And yet, with full KNOWLEDGE that [HE is] ALWAYS RIGHT, and any disagreement I have is due to my own lack of spiritual apprehension, I conceded "just maybe (with a wink), you are right". I see that today as a perilous play of pride, and tremble in fear at my own arrogance. I repent. For wasting "Your" time in endless debate, asking "You" to come my way, instead of following HIM, HIS WAY. I KNOW that, in the process "You" DO speak to my spirit, but I loathe this indirect way I come, in all its ugliness. (The meaning of the Hebrew word for "fox" is "jackel, as a burrower"). I yearn to TRULY repent. For this ugly, loathesome, abhorrant man of sin--PRIDE--who comes between us and throws Him off. But HOW does one repent of being??? One can only hope to die, and that is impossible for me to accomplish. I pray for Mercy--for exposure, for the Day of the Lord, for execution of Judgment. I pray for this pride of self-life (independent, desiring-to-be-in-control) to die. He shows me in this moment that I have wanted to retain my dignity, even in death. That, too, I choose to relinquish, for personal dignity is an illusion of fig leaves; I just want to die. Even in this, I am not sure there is no pride... Give Mercy, O God! Deliver me! Come quickly, Lord Jesus! Execute judgment swiftly! Bring the Exposure of Thy Light! Thank "Thee", Truest of Friends, for speaking TRUTH. I have always wanted to "know the truth", thinking I can deal with that. But, truly, I cannot. My dependence is on HIM WHO IS FAITHFUL AND TRUE, WHO COMES, riding a white horse... HE IS MY HIGH PRIEST. HE IS MADE UNTO ME WISDOM, AND RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND SANCTIFICATION, AND REDEMPTION, of which, of myself, i have NONE. i bow. B. The Singer: My heart is filled with more Love for thee than can be expressed. F. April 1, 1998 The Singer: "Behold, EVE, "the Mother of us All" - the Initiator, Sustainer and Nurturer of SELF-HELP. WONDERFULLY industrious, fervent and true; yet, nonetheless, the INDEPENDENT one. We - humanity - are all her children. "We" think there is SOMETHING we should know, should have known to extricate us from, to keep us from FAILURE. Failure to keep "OURSELVES". And so we begin the timeless, necessary journey of THE SELF-ABSORPTION WITH SELF-EFFORT until - worn out by the increasingly burdensome effort of our "trying", we leave "Eve" and blessedly arrive at the INTENDED destination of SELF-HELPLESSNESS and experientially find JERUSALEM WHICH IS ABOVE, THE MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS SPIRITUAL---GRACE: GOD'S RICHES AT CHRIST'S EXPENSE! HE (Christ) it is Who has been "made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption" (1 Cor. 1:30, KJV). We long ago lost our INNOCENCE: knowing NOT that we know NAUGHT! We grew to know GUILT: the experiencing of thinking there was, is something that one should know, should have known but NOW KNOWING that one knows naught! SHAME is born when one does NOT wish it EXPOSED [KNOWN] - either to self or to others - that one knows naught, that one is EMPTY: A VESSEL ONLY [NOT THE TREASURE]: THE CLAY [NOT THE POTTER]: A POT: A CROCK: A CROCK - "crack(ed)"? - POT!!(smile). The embraced realization of eternal "emptiness" - even OUR GOOD "is as filthy rags" - is RELEASE FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF-EFFORT - we STOP "TRYING" [until truly stopped!] - and ENTRY into PEACE: NO LONGER TRYING TO BE GOOD BUT SEEKING AND ACCEPTING HIS GOODNESS. Behold (HIM), Receive (HIM). And They will come - The Father and The Son - and will make Their Abode within - there to abide - FOREVER. i bow. F. "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY---FREE AT LAST." F.