Written and Directed by Michael Nesmith
Original Air Date on ABC: February 17, 1997
Transcript from television broadcast by Estrella Lee
14 EXT.BEACH, BANDSTAND - DAY
CU on YOUNG BOY. He's about 10 years old and is crying. The camera DOLLIES BACK to reveal he's at the bandstand with the MONKEES.
PETER
Were
we that bad?
YOUNG BOY
(very upset)
I
raised a pig from birth, and now, my
dad
tells me we have to sell him, for
bacon!!
YOUNG BOY continues to cry.
MICKY
(enthusiastically to others)
Bacon!
That's not bad, huh?
MIKE gives the time out signal.
MIKE
We
did that. It was a calf thing, but it
was
essentially the same thing.
PETER
Well,
we can't just let a kid cry like
this!
We have to entertain him somehow!
TIGHT on MIKE and YOUNG BOY. MIKE kneels next to him. Somber music plays in the background.
MIKE
Hey,
whereever there's cop beating up on
a
guy, I'm going to be there. Whereever
there's
the poor, the hopeless, the
hungry,
I'll be there!
YOUNG BOY starts crying again because of the depressing things in life that MIKE pointed out.
YOUNG BOY
(wailing again)
Aaaauughhhh!!!
DAVY
(to MIKE)
Hey,
what did you do??
MIKE
I
did the closing scene from Grapes of
Wrath!
The Henry Fonda speech is one of
the
great scenes in movies!
(to PETER)
You
said entertain him.
DAVY
Yeah,
but you're scaring him! You have
to
entertain, even with a capital E!
Another MUSIC comes up in the background, this time more upbeat, Vaundeville-like. DAVY starts singing and dancing around YOUNG BOY.
DAVY
(singing)
Gonna
build a mountain from a little
slope,
peas and onions from a little
soap.
Gonna build a mountain!!
This also scares YOUNG BOY.
YOUNG BOY
(in hysterics)
Aaaauuggh!
PETER
(to DAVY)
Those
aren't the words, are they?
DAVY
Well,
I can never remember. But it's not
about
that, it's about the emotion. You
know,
the rope, the soap, the hope, you
know.
MICKY can't believe the way these guys "entertain" YOUNG BOY.
MICKY
You're
pullin' me! Let me!
(to YOUNG BOY)
Hey
kid, wanna see me throw up?
YOUNG BOY
(much happier)
Yeah!
MICKY pulls YOUNG BOY aside. CU MICKY has he sticks his finger in his mouth and pops it back out. CONFETTI spews out of MICKY'S mouth. This obviously delights YOUNG BOY.
YOUNG BOY
(amazed)
Whoa,
dude! That's cool! Can you do that
again?
MICKY is about to attempt to do it again.
YOUNG BOY
(planning to leave)
I
gotta get my friends!
PETER
(to YOUNG BOY)
What
about your pet pig?
YOUNG BOY
(changing mind)
Um, I never
really like him that much!
YOUNG BOY leaves the area. MONKEES start walking down the beach. During the following dialogue, various shots are made: WIDE BACK SHOT, a few MEDIUM CU, and a few GROUP SHOTS.
DAVY
Hey,
guys, you don't think we need any
kind
of storyline?
PETER
I
kind of liked the pet pig and the bacon
thing!
Sweet and scary at the same time!
MIKE
Not
really, not as long as we're having
a
good time!
DAVY
You
think it's perfectly all right that
we
don't have any visible means of
support?
MICKY
Well,
who says our means have to be
visible?
DAVY
Don't
you think we should have some
dramatic
tension, some drama, distress,
worry,
some sort of goal!?
MIKE
Why?
I mean, We've been hanging out like
this
for years! Once every five years or
so
a good storyline comes along, but other
than
that, it's better just hanging out
and
having a good time, a stroll on the
beach,
life is a bowl of oysters, what
could
be better?
PETER
(in his own world about the pig)
I
wonder if the pig talked.
MIKE
No,
see, it doesn't make any difference
if
the pig talked!
DAVY
I
got it! All right, the landlord comes
to
the door for the last rent payment, and
then
all of a sudden we're on a desert
island.
MICKY
(enthusiastic)
Yeah!
DAVY
On
the other side, there's some buried
treasure!
MIKE
Rent?
We probably own the house by now.
And
besides, who wants to do a story just
for
the sake of doing a story?
MICKY
Ah-ha!
Now, it's your turn. That's how I
felt
about the Monkeemobile!
DAVY
Yeah,
that's the way I felt about tossing
the
sandwich! What do you think, Peter?
PETER
(still wondering about pig story)
Pig?
No, sandwiches. The pig tossing
sandwiches
wouldn't work!
CUT TO:
15 EXT.LIZARD SUNNING ITSELF ON A ROCK
We see the STOCK SHOT again, interrupting the current film.
CUT TO:
16 EXT.BEACH - DAY
MONKEES react to the interruption again as if there was an earthquake.
MICKY
(not amused)
Ah,
the lizard's back!
DAVY
(emphatically)
I'm
tellin' you guys, we need a story!
Before things get a little too panicky, MIKE tries to divert the men's attention away from making up a storyline.
MIKE
(rushed)
No.
No. We just, we just need to do--
music!
A PIANO pops up on the beach from nowhere. MIKE directs the others towards the PIANO.
MIKE
That's
it! Come on! We're going to play
some
music.
PETER sits down at the PIANO, while the others gather around at the back of it. PETER starts the chords of the SONG: "Antartica" ...
17 ROMP SEQUENCE - SNOWY MOUNTAIN
We see a snowy mountain (Aspen?) and it's snowing. We hear MONKEES singing and the camera PANS LEFT. They are gathered around a KEYBOARD in winter clothes and SINGING. A COUPLE and their DOG walks past them with semi-surprised expression on their face. MONKEES keep singing a few more bars.
CUT TO:
18 INT.MONKEES' PAD, MAIN ROOM - EARLY EVENING
The Monkees are still singing in the BACKGROUND. Now, the camera has a shot of a PLUSH MOOSE HEAD on a wall. Camera PANS DOWN and there's a sign that has a solitary PIPE with a caption that reads "THIS IS NOT A PIPE". Camera PANS DOWN MORE and we see another sign that has an altered cell from the ending credits of "The Monkees". The caption reads "THIS IS NOT A BAND". Camera PANS DOWN one more time and we see MONKEES' FINGER PUPPETS. A HAND picks it up and carries it off. Camera PULLS BACK and we see it is PETER in a formal outfit. He JOINS OTHERS in front of the mirror in the MAIN ROOM. They too are in formal outfits and correcting their looks.
MICKY
(proudly)
Hey,
did you see how that kid reacted to
my
throw-up idea?
MIKE
Mick,
he was eight!
DAVY
(to MICKY)
Quit
calling it that! It's only
confetti!
PETER
(as-a-matter-of-factly)
It's
Magic Monkee Dust!
MICKY
(inspired)
Hey,
how about calling it Magic Monkee
Hurl?
DAVY
I
think eight year olds deserve better
than
that.
(beat)
What's
that purple dinosaur thing?
PETER pulls out previously mentioned PUPPET from behind his back.
PETER
(proudly)
Remember
these?
DAVY
Precisely
my point! All that dinosaur
thingy
is one of those,
(indicating puppet)
but
way out of control! I mean, you're
talking
about mesmerizing four year olds
here!
MIKE
I
think Davy's right. Just because you
can
throw a toddler by chewing with your
mouth
open, doesn't mean you should. It's
not
exactly a reference standard.
PETER
(disappointed)
Don't
you think playing for little kids
would
be fun?
DAVY
Playing
for little kids is fun! But I
don't
think we have to do anything more
than
play our music! I mean, maybe a few
dance
steps, but other than that, we're
the
Monkees!
(music swells, spotlights turned
on, backlights turned off)
All
we need to be!
MONKEES put out their left hands in a "ta-da" manner.
19 EXT.MONKEES' PAD, STREET - NIGHT
A couple are PARKED UP in front of PAD. The girl is sitting in the DRIVER's side, and her DATE is in the passenger's side.
DRIVER
(pointing to the pad)
Look!
Once, hundreds of year ago, four
guys
moved into this house and went crazy,
and
never moved out!
DATE
(curiously)
They
still live there??
DRIVER
(over dramatically)
Oh,
yes! They have chain saws, and
hockey
masks, and they chase kids! And
one
of them, has a hatchet!
(slyly to DATE)
You
scared? Wanna kiss?
Her DATE thinks she's just a little too wacko.
DATE
(emphatically)
I'm
scared of kissing you!
DRIVER
Sigh.
CAMERA captures the DRIVER's side of the car. MICKY pops his head in from the left of the screen.
MICKY
(as a matter-of-factly to camera)
And
he should be!
(laughs)
Come
on!
MICKY motions the camera to follow him towards the garage part of the pad. We notice that he's carrying a clipboard and wearing a white lab coat. MICKY talks while walking.
MICKY
(continuing to camera)
You
know, in today's world of safe sex, it
seems
we have forgotten about safe
kissing!
Now, while not as dangerous as,
say,
bringing a toaster into the bath tub
with
you, kissing does have its perils!
For
instance, remember at the beginning of
the
show when Davy asked me for that kiss?
Now,
that was as dangerous as was bizarre!
You
know, I've seen people catch fire just
by
shaking hands!
At this time MICKY innocently approaches the MONKEEMOBILE while still talking. Before he can continue, it HOPS UP AND DOWN. This scares the bejeezus out of MICKY. The door from the PAD opens and we see MIKE standing in the doorway.
MICKY
(hurt)
Aw,
Mike, the Monkeemobile jumped up!
MIKE comes out, followed by DAVY and PETER.
MIKE
(insistently)
I'll
fix it! I'll fix it! I promise!
MIKE adjusts something in the MONKEEMOBILE. Then he and PETER hop in the front while DAVY and MICKY go in the back of the car. They start to drive off.
20 EXT.STREETS OF LA - NIGHT
MONKEES in the MONKEEMOBILE head toward their gig. MICKY's explaining what he was doing before the car jumped up.
20A INT.MONKEEMOBILE - NIGHT
MICKY
It
ruined my routine. I was doing a riff
on the dangers
of kissing.
DAVY
Why?
MICKY
Well,
there was a couple parked out by the
house,
and the girl was doing a crazy eyed
look
there in order to scare the guy into
kissing her!
DAVY
(nostalgic)
And
it always worked for me!
MICKY
And
it always worked for everybody! I was
just
interrupting before it turned into
'and the only
good crazy person is a crazy
person whose
house is covered in toilet
paper'!
DAVY
Oh
they were just tellin' ghost stories!
20B EXT.STREETS OF LA - NIGHT
PERSON
Hey,
your bumper fell off!
20C INT.MONKEEMOBILE - NIGHT
PETER
(about the dimension machine)
How's
it work?
MIKE
I
put it on the radio. This is the first
dimension.
MIKE presses BUTTON. The SCREEN is reduced to a small CIRCLE.
MIKE
Not
a lot to do there, no.
SCREEN returns to normal format.
MIKE
And
this the second dimension.
MIKE presses BUTTON. The SCREEN FLIPS backwards and upside down with only two sides to the picture, front and back.
MIKE
Which
is flat-lined surface.
SCREEN returns to normal format.
MIKE
(pointing to the current
surrounding format)
And
this is the third dimension. Which is
normal.
(beat)
Well,
Monkees normal.
MICKY
(getting a bit interested)
Yeah,
mm-hmm.
MIKE
And
this is the fourth dimension.
MIKE presses BUTTON. SCREEN is transformed into a sphere and then morphs into a very wavy and ultra 3D, yet irregular, shape.
PETER
(fascinated, O.S.)
Whoa!!
MICKY
(O.S.)
Yeah!
Stephen Hawkins eat your heart out!
SCREEN returns to normal format.
MIKE
And
this is as far as I got!
PETER
(curious)
But
there's more buttons.
MIKE
(too late)
No,
wait!
PETER innocently presses another BUTTON. We now see Monkees back IN THE SIXTIES. Various STOCK SHOTS from the old series is inserted.
MIKE
(O.S.)
That's
the sixties button. It changes us
back into
the sixties. The problem is it
changes everything
else around the car for
a hundred
yards too.
MIKE presses the 3RD DIMENSION button.
PETER
What's
the last one do?
MIKE
(a little unsure)
Well,
that last one is kind of, I don't
know.
It's an odd button. It changes one
object into
another object. It doesn't
really quite
work right ...
MICKY'S face is replace by DAVY'S and returned back.
MIKE
(continued)
The
real problem is none of it stays
completely
in the car.
PETER
(impressed)
Very
Monkees!
MIKE
Yeah,
thanks!
MICKY
(disappointed)
Ah,
I still wish it was the way it was.
DAVY
Me
too!
MIKE
Not
even the hop?
MICKY
(a little unsure)
Mmmmnnnay.
20D EXT.STREETS OF LA - NIGHT
MONKEES in the MONKEEMOBILE still heading toward their gig.
20E INT.MONKEEMOBILE - NIGHT
MIKE pops off the STEERING WHEEL and hands it to PETER.
MIKE
(to PETER)
Here.
PETER
(a bit confused)
Huh?
MIKE
You
drive.
PETER
Okay.
PETER takes STEERING WHEEL and installs it on his side of the car and STARTS DRIVING.
MIKE
(yawning)
I'm
tired.
21 EXT.WMP COUNTRY CLUB, ENTRANCE - NIGHT
WIDE SHOT of the World's Most Prestigious Country Club. We see the MONKEEMOBILE going through the gate entrance. Camera PANS DOWN and we see a sign that reads "THE MOST PRESTIGOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD... NO REALLY".
22 INT.WMP COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT
We see the MAIN ROOM being set up for the party by the employees, and guests are starting to arrive. Camera PANS LEFT toward the LOBBY. A GUARD is sitting at a table and the MONKEES enter.
GUARD
Good
evening, can I help you?
MICKY
Hi,
we're the Monkees!
GUARD
(enthusiastic)
The
Monkees!?
(laughs)
Yeah,
right and I'm Ethel Merman!
CAMERA shows only MICKY, PETER, and MIKE. DAVY then pushes PETER a bit from behind. At least we think it's DAVY... in a pink suit with pants, wig, and make-up while holding a cane.
DAVY
(emphatically)
No!
I'm Ethel Merman!
The GUARD is a bit happy about this. DAVY continues to sing and dance to the SONG "Dance With Me" in front of a decorated backdrop.
GUARD
(very impressed)
Outstanding!
But I still can't let you in.
(beat)
Women
are not allowed to wear pants!
DAVY gives the GUARD a look of contempt, and looks at the pants. He tosses the CANE to the guard, and rips off the pants. The guard is a bit coy when this happens. Davy proceeds to throw the pants over his own shoulder and sashays out of the room.
CUT TO:
22A INT.WMP COUNTRY CLUB, MAIN ROOM
PETER
(medium CU)
That
guard wasn't going to let us in!
MICKY
Yeah,
good thinkin', Dave!
Camera PULLS BACK and we see them at the BANDSTAND getting ready.
DAVY
(proudly)
Ha!
I never met a guard, yet, that wasn't
a sucker for
Ethel Merman!
MIKE
Sound
check?
MICKY
Yeah.
Here we go, 1-2-3-4!
They proceed to perform SONG: "Regional Girl".
23 ROMP SEQUENCE - CALVIN KLIEN MOCK
This sequence is a mock of the sepia CALVIN KLIEN ads that was seen on television. All shots are just ONE CONTINOUS PANNING. The ads basically had models just standing around doing nothing. Not only models are standing around this time but also Monkees. Davy tries to talk to several tall models; Mike proceeds to do his own thing from sheer boredom by either standing around, playing air guitar or trying to go to sleep while standing. Micky is just singing the SONG to the camera. We also see a young man who looks like he works in an entry level position, he's on his lunch break. There is a brief COLOR SHOT of a dressing room in the middle of all this, it's a dressing room in backstage of this television special. We see previously seen YOUNG WOMAN and another woman talking. Previously seen person in a TALL DOG SUIT is lounging around back-stage.
END ROMP SEQUENCE