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Sick:
This is almost too big a topic for one issue. And it's a little tricky since there are so many variations on "sick" and I don't love them all equally. Mental illness and deformation/disfigurement are off-shoots that I'm less concerned with. Eric Stoltz in "Mask" didn't make my heart skip a beat (but then, Eric Stoltz in anything is fairly unappetizing). What thrills me most are fleeting afflictions and maladies. Terminal illness is almost too much, too overwhelming, but acceptable on a case by case basis. I'm not a nurturer by any stretch of the imagination so I'm not positive why invalids rank so high with me. Give me a good old fashioned bout with T.B. or even a lifelong struggle with color blindness and I'm happy as a clam.
Weak:
Often weakness goes hand in hand with sickness, though it has been known to stand alone. How can you resist those 98lb. scrawny, picked-on suckers? The best is often an average appearing individual who is secretly frail. You don't have to be malnourished and atrophied to catch my attention, but it helps.
Well:
I'm pretty much referring to those helping souls involved with the medical world. As a rule I don't care for doctors and their ilk. Maybe I'm an atyipcal hypochondriac 'cause I'd have to be losing blood from a major artery before I'd even step foot in a doctor's office or hospital. I'll endure my brain aneurisms and spastic colons in the privacy of my own home, thank you very much. Healers may have good intentions, but for the most part they're too intimidating with all the health and strength they exude. But heck, I believe in balance so include them I must.
I suppose that a female doctor in the old west is a novel idea, but she doesn't cut the mustard. To be honest, I've only seen the show once and I was lucky enough to catch an episode about rebellious teens. Crazy 19th century kids can be entertaining, but it wasn't enough to sway me on Dr. Quinn.
I'd almost forgotten about Rob's little brother Chad Lowe. He hadn't done much since his rad 1986 sit-com, "Spencer". He says he left the show because it lost its intregity and became too libidinous for teens. I say it got cancelled because it wasn't any good from the start. One of his most recent appearances was as an HIV+ highschooler on "Life Goes On". Becca fell hard for him and I would've too. He's cute in that gross embarrassing way. I heard that he plays on a hockey team with MacGyver's Richard Dean Andreson. Hot Dog!--Wow, he jumped from the sick to the well category with his doctor character on "E.R." But I don't like him so much now that I know he's married to that horse-faced, Karate Kid, Hilary Swank.
For years I adamantly refused to watch "MASH", I wouldn't even give it a chance. But I was forced to watch it every night at 6:30 while staying with my mom. It was a trade-off because I had to see "Jeopardy" nightly at 7:00. I still don't like the show, but I discovered what a hotty Alan Alda is. Who would've thought that a wisecracking Korean War doctor could be so great. He's lanky, slouchy, with angular features and a low side-part with floppy bangs. I can stomach that. Who cares if he was some 80's sensitive male.
I love child prodigies, but Doogie just doesn't do it for me. I don't know, maybe it's that almost strawberry blonde afro and those big white hightops he wears with his lab coat. I mean he was a geeky teen, which normally rules, but he had it all wrong (and he hung out with that annoying 30 yr. old-playing-a-child, Vinnie). I already wasn't too thrilled with him, then Neil Patrick Harris had to do a TV movie and play a role that was so Henry it was uncanny. In "Not Our Son" he was an arsonist who wore child molester glasses. Cool! But not quite cool enough to redeem himself.
I couldn't stand it any longer. I love Ike Eisenmann too much. The only thing keeping this zine from being about him instead of Henry is that I have no clue what he's been doing for the past twelve years or so. Really, Duffy was the quintessential weakling--so scrawny and picked on, plus he loved gardening. Sure, he may be a little more at home in a sissy or misfit category, but like it or not he's here to stay. In the "Duffy Moon" movie he finally come face to face with the notorious leader of the local gang and it turns out to be a bad-ass girl (who also loves gardening) Boots Macabee. it made me swoon.Well, things happened since I originally wrote this. I discovered Ike had been doing voiceover work on movies. Then he contacted me through postings I'd done on a few newsgroups and we corresponded a bit. It turned out that he lived 45 min. away from me in the woodsy hideway of Tualatin, OR, had been posting on nutty UFO newsgroups and alt-fan.rosieodonnell, and was doing some stint on "The Jeff Foxworthy Show" (You know you're a redneck if...). There was talk of meeting for coffee, but I'm not much of a face to face admirer so that never gelled. More recently, I discovered an Ike Eisenmann fan site. I was pleased as heck. But be forewarned--seeing adorable child-stars in their late 30's state is not always pretty. I don't care--Ike will always be tops with me.
I didn't mean to get all historical on you, but this is my favorte Egyptian Pharaoh, and boy was he riddled with problems. Though his wife, Nefertiti, was one on the world's greatest beauties, he was a horse-like freak of a man. Akhenaten was long-faced, thick-lipped, with a a protruding head and skinny body with feminine hips and no genitals. At least this was how he was represented in statues and carvings. Repulsive to many, but cute to me. Modern scholars theorize that he was suffering from Marfan Syndrome. Hot.
One of my first fictional character crushes after Peter Pan. The Secret Garden left little impression on me, but I was struck by the mysterious crying and wailing emanating from a locked door. Needless to say, it was being produced by that pale, bratty bedridden, cripple of a child, Colin Craven. He was just a terrible little snot who nailed the windows shut so he wouldn't get spores in his lungs. Also, he was convinced that he was becoming a hunch back, (so am I) but it was just his spine poking through his emaciated flesh. That's too much. Sadly, it was not time before he was all rosy and walking and able to be nice to other children. But for a spell he was one hot number.
This is stretching things a bit since he only had that brief bout with morphine addiction. But puking up that milky stuff was some sickly behavior that stuck with me. "Little House on the Prairie" didn't give a parental warning before that episode for nothing. To be honest, I'd forgotten about Mathew Laborteaux until recently when I spied this little indie-rock Albert lookalike and almost lost it. He had this shaggy 'do and drove off in a brown 70's Celica. Hot Stuff! Strange things started happening. First I scoured up some info and discovered that Matt not only played on orphan on RV, but was adopted in real life. On top of that he has hypoglycemia. How lucky is that? Then I spotted the pseudo-Albert three times in one week and found out that his name is Paul (me and a friend wanted to put a photo of Michael Landon on his windshield with the message, "take half your name and you can be Pa too", but thought better of it). That very same week a local station aired "Deadly Friend" a 1986 Laborteaux nasterpiece and his character's name was Paul. No way, no how, this is not a coincidence. Oh, there's still more. The Monday after all this happened, I turned on some new Fox show about gross guys who live in Alaska, and guess who played one of the main characters? No, not Matt, but his brother Pat! Scary.
Alan Ruck's sickly character is the best and only reason to watch "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". I love hypochondriacs who lie in bed all day. I just wish he could've found a better friend than Ferris. I would've tried to get Ferris busted if I had the chance. Cameron is not only physically ill and weak, but weak-willed as well. He lets that Ferris talk him into all sorts of self-serving schemes like letting him take his father's car for a joy-ride and making Cameron sit in the back so he and his snotty girlfriend can be up front. At least Alan is still making movies. I just saw him in one of those "Star Trek" sequels and he was in "Twister", which I haven't seen. I don't know if stomaching a movie about tornados is worth it to see him.--Now he's on "Spin City" looking all old.
I'm not an avid "90210" or "Melrose Place" watcher, but Cameron Bancroft's character on "90210" made me sit up and pay attention. I was happy to discover that amidst allthe glitz and fast-lane living going on in Beverly Hills, that one all-American boy exists with all his traditional values intact. Sure, he's a star football player, but he's really a good old-fashioned sissy with a heart condition. Yes, he was at death's door at one point. He tried to cover up his vulnerability, but it just wouldn't work. If sickly isn't enough, he's a virgin too! That's just about as close as you can get to a "baby". I knew he was my kind of guy when he felt out of place at a dance and explained to Donna, "I'm the square root of one." Man, that's square.
I can't quite put my finger on why I dislike this man. I have poor, poor taste in TV shows, but "Frasier" most definitely doesn't make me laugh. He doesn't even make me grin. I realize tha his zany appeal is derived from his snotty demeanor, but I don't find haughtiness charming in my every day life, let alone in a sit-com. Plus it's so Seattle with all its rain and coffee references. Argh, and he's got that (lack of) hair.--Um, I started watching reruns at 11:30, after "Seinfeld" and now I'm sort of into it. I never thought it would happen to me. But sometimes when I watch it I feel bad for Daphne. What kind of person would be o.k. with being some caregiver and living with the Cranes? It depresses me. Oh, that's weird. As I was typing this, I thought I could hear Daphne's voice on TV, which didn't make sense since it was some behind the scenes of "Party of Five" special. But it was her reading results at the Emmys.
I know, I know, I'm a fool. But the disorderly orderly really did it for me. Sure, Jerry Lewis is a big asswipe, but as Jerome Littlefield he's the shit. First off he's a hypochondriac who could be a real doctor if it wasn't for the fact that he feels all his patients' symptoms. If someone starts taking about their weak kidneys, he instantly has to pee. Hilarity! He's a sickly weakling who becomes a doctor eventually. If this is not a success story, than I don't know what is. On top of all this, Jerome is the object of a sweet nurse's affection while simultaneously he's stalking a sexy, suicidal patient. This is some good stuff, but I'm not taking responsibility if you're moved to rent "The Disorderly Orderly" and end up hating it. I made friends watch it, and believe me, they were not laughing. I also made these same friends watch "Mrs. Doubtfire" (and I wonder why I have no friends). Sometimes I'm rotten.
