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All good things must come to an end, such is the case with the FOSSILS in this issue. While most are merely departed, there are those rare few who are dearly departed. This is a huge pool to draw from. Just consider the sheer number of dead versus the currently living. It's only fair that this enormously underrated group gets their due. I'm sorry to report that death is not enough to exempt one from being stalked. There's no escape-even in the afterworld.
If lucky, you can catch a person before they reach the preceeding state and they're merely FOGEYS. There's something to be said for oldsters. Sure, many are incontinent or senile, but there are exceptions to every rule. Predictability and security are not completely unstalkable traits. For reasons of my own, I'm calling anyone over 50 elderly. I realize that's pushing it. If there are any 50+ readers-please don't hurt me. You may also note that I took liberties with how current of an image I used.
A FAKE is simply a synonym for a poseur of the most confusing variety. I'm talking about one of those devious individuals who try to pass themselves off as a youngster when they're really an adult. Or conversely, a younger person attempting to appear older than they truly are. It's all very senseless, though steeped in tradition. Famous poseurs range from Judy Garland's portrayal of Dorothy to the more recent deviant, Pee-Wee Herman. Additional obvious offenders: Emannuel "Webster" Lewis, Gary Coleman, Ralph Macchio, Urkel, Vinnie on "Doogie Howser," Scott Wolfe as Bailey on "Party of Five," and Luke Perry as Dylan on "90210."
He's everything and then some. Baby, misfit, freak-you name it. He was a most peculiar poseur as Oskar in "The Tin Drum." He decided to stop growing at the age of three and caused himself to fall down stairs, accomplishing this goal. Of course he chronologically aged while remaining small in stature, which lended to his creepiness. When he wasn't busy beating his drum and shattering glass with his piercing scream he might be performing cunnilingus on the housekeeper. What a weird kid. I guess he must be a midget or something in reality because he was 13 when he made "The Tin Drum" and he was darn tiny. A few years later he showed up as an elfin, fairy-type creature named Gump in the mystical Tom Cruise pic, "Legend." I wonder how he's aged or if he's grown. A thirteen year old playing a three year old to a twenty year old is quite a stretch. He's obviously no average poseur. Last I heard, he was doing some theater production, "The Man Who," about mental patients. David plays a man trapped in a chair.
What a mean, mean, scary, old man. Sort of like my grandpa if he were more grandpa-like. He was so rotten and heartless on "Our House". He was the one who ran over a raccoon and then made Shannen Doherty and her friends pool together their money to pay for the vet bill. And this was the money they'd saved up to go see the Fireax concert. That wouldn't teach me responsibility, it'd make me resentful. And maybe you're aware of what happened to Chad Allen who played the son on "Our House". He was recently "outed" be some paper, which caused all sorts of problems for him on the set of "Dr. Quinn." I know they say that homosexuality is something with you at birth, but I have the sneaking suspicion that Wilford made him queer. Instead of kicking the bucket like an annoying old man should, Mr. Brimley had to get a job promoting the benefits of Quaker Oats. Who's bright idea was that?! I don't think I've eaten it since that misguided ad campaign.
What's up with these Jon combo first names? I rarely pay mind to hunky, grown men, but there was a time when I didn't know any better. Um...around 1982 to be specific. I had my eye on guys like Ted McGinley on "Happy Days "and the young George Clooney on "Facts of Life." I faithfully watched "Voyagers" even though it co-starred that ratty older brother of Punky Brewster, Meeno Peluce. That's when I got my first glimpse of Jon-Erik (along with my weekly dose of time travel). I followed his career when he started doing Cover Up with its awesome "Holding Out For a Hero" theme song. Unfortunately the show was as short-lived as Mr. Hexum, himself. I'm unclear on the details, but I think he shot himself in the head. Whether or not it was an accident is the part I'm unsure about. It was a big deal among 6th grade girls. I just found out that there's a Jon-Erik fan club here in Portland that boasts over 250 members. I'm wary of contacting the president, but I am considering getting a hold of their newsletter, "The Hex-nut."
She was the ultimate poseur, and a prolific one at that. She made her mark as a perpetual pubescent in USA Network-styled movies and those kind of films they'd show you in grade school. It was in one of the latter that I recall becoming acquainted with her puffy face and nasal voice. It was some 70's thing about her doing voodoo on her father's new girlfriend. I became suspicious when the showed up in the "Vacation "movies still playing a teen. As an exchange student in France, I was made to watch the nightly 8:00 "Americain Telefilm," which was usually some "Porky's" type of affair. I swear to god, Dana was in like 75% of these movies (and the first one I saw also starred Chad Lowe-hubba hubba). It even prompted my host family to ask me if she was a big star in the U.S. and then they went on to tell me how Americans sound like ducks when they talk. She caused a lot of cultural tension and misunderstanding for all. Sadly, she died of kidney disease in. I don't think it was a secret since she had that same Gary Colemanesque chubbiness. I think I sort of have that now that I think about it. O.k. I'll stop before I get too hypochondical on you.He was a fine
Jimmy Stewart
I'm one of those retards who actually watches "It's a Wonderful Life" practically every Christmas. It's hard to say why I like him. He's too nice, he looks out for others before himself, and he gets walked all over. Well, he's tall, handsome, sweet, and sort of dottering. Just the sort of guy I secretly wish I could get along with. It sucks because in real life this is the type of guy I would scare off and if I were ever to get his attention I'd become bored and do something to ruin the whole thing even though it'd probably be a good relationship for me. I loved him in "Harvey" as the adorable, even-tempered, drunk who had an invisible 6 ft. tall rabbit as a friend. I know people who think he's stuttery and annoying, but they're just plain wrong. I'm afraid he's on his last legs and I recently saw him on some tabloid about some sordid affair. Maybe I'd like him even more if he had a dirty side. Yes, I know I would.
O.k. I can be cruel, but I'm not heartless. Sure, I'll make fun of the "handicapable" but I have some respect for dead children. She was a poseur of the highly demented variety. It's bad enough when pre-teens get all gussied-up, trying to look older. I know, because I used to do it. I don't think anyone would deny how creepy it is to see 5 year olds parading around in full make-up and evening gowns. No good can possibly come of it, as was the case with little JonBenet. About a year ago I saw this thing on "Oprah" (yes, I was watching "Oprah") about 5 and 6 year old girls who wouldn't leave the house without make-up and sexy clothes. The whole thing was highly disturbing, even to a "baby-lover" like myself.
I highly doubt anyone remembering my tiny mention of him in "S.C.S." #1 so I'm bringing up this unlikely candidate once again. He's just about 100% man, which I usually shy away from. But I've always thought Paul Drake was a pretty handsome guy. There was something so right about his blonde pompadour and boxy, checkered suit jackets. Plus he was a nosy private investigator. He was much smoother than I, but I won't hold it against him. Unfortunately, he died of pneumonia in 1970. Luckily, I can still get a daily dose of Perry Mason at noon.
I always felt like something was wrong with me for liking Anthony in "Psycho." But there's no sense in feeling shame-he's hot in that wonderful, awkward, brooding way. He was no less handsome in his older years either. It's amusing yet strange that H.T. was cast as the teenage Norman Bates in "Psycho IV." Hank wasn't a bad teen, but he was certainly no Tony Perkins. It's unfortunate that he had to work with The Hankster, it must've shaved years off of his life. He's been in a buch of stuff, but I must admit I've only seen him in the "Psycho "series. He even directed III, which may or may not be a good thing.
I used to watch the "Golden Girls "even though it would usually frustrate me to no end. Friends and myself used to decide which of us would be certain characters in TV shows. Yes, it was stimulating conversation. To my chagrin, I was deemed Bea Arthur (and Cliff off of "Cheers"). This wasn't pleasing, but I recently found out that I had something in common with another cast member, Estelle Getty-our birthdays (different years, of course). Wonderful, huh? She was one of those rare poseurs who played someone older than they really were. I've encountered many lost, uninformed people who had no idea that Estelle was really the youngest cast member even though she portrayed Bea Arthur's mom, Sophia. There's one to grow on.
He was my favorite member of the "Odd Couple," but that probably had something to do with Jack Klugman being so unattractive. Plus, I hate slobs and general messiness. For some reason I always thought he was gay in real life. Maybe I confused fiction with reality when he did the TV series "Love, Sydney "where he played a homosexual. I do remember it being a big deal and though it was a part of the movie they toned it down for TV. I think Tony'd have a good sense of humor or at least be a good sport. From time to time he pops up doing little things on "Letterman," which are usually amusing. And of course he's no stranger to the world of baby-loving. With that year age gap between him and his latest wife you know there's more to him than meets the eye.
Yuck, yuck, yuck. I already dissed him in the last issue and it's still not out of my system. I don't get what could possibly be funny about a middle-aged man pretending to be Robin Williams' baby with a god-awful name like Mirth. Maybe I'm responding negatively to the word mirth. It's one of those ugly sounding words like tummy, panty, weeblo, nougat, or staph.
