december

2000
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october
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august
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june
may
april
march
february
january

1999
december
november
october
september
august
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june
may
april
march
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january

1998
december
november
october
september

++++++++++++

phone home

12/28/00
I'm feeling all annoyed. I always thought that after Christmas was supposed to be the time for sales and the like, but I couldn't find one single item I was looking for today. It was totally freezing (and they're predicting a huge snow storm for Sat., which is also really pissing me off because if it ruins my plans to leave town that day, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's been a full week that I've been entertaining myself and though I'm the sort of person who enjoys my time alone, I feel like I should be doing something more fun than sitting around the house watching TV and typing. All I want is to take a mini-vacation and managed to get two days off from an extremely new job and if I get snowed in, there's going to be hell to pay) and I decided to trudge around anyway because there was this camera that I wanted. I've never really had a real camera, but after recently getting my photos back from my N.W. trip and having like 15% of them turn out (thanks to a cheap disposable camera), I decided it was time to buy a real one. I never even cared, but once I get an idea in my head about having something, I go nuts until I have it in my hands. Well, every place I went was sold out and it's even out of stock on Amazon.com (and it didn't even say "on order" as they usually do, just "we're sorry, this item is out of stock"), so this made me furious. And there were these hats at the Gap that I was indifferent about, then all of a sudden wanted one and saw they had been marked down from $17.99 to $9.99 on the website (I was looking at the site for work--I don't normally browse the Gap online) and of course there isn't a hat to be seen in any of the stores (at least in Manhattan). Then, there were these shoes I saw a couple weeks ago that I didn't buy because they were too expensive, but then I decided that it was Christmas and I could splurge on at least one thing, but of course, th

12/26/00
Well, Christmas 2000 is done and out of the way. I did absolutely nothing and I don't mean that figuratively. Yesterday mom called my and asked what I did and this evening the same question was posed by my hairdresser (that sounds funny to say you have a hairdresser) and I all I could say was, "nothing" and people don't seem to believe that for some reason, like you actually did something really exciting and are keeping it secret. I went to the 99 cent store and bought a bottle of Mr. Clean (with Arabic writing--couldn't decipher a single instruction) and no-name Drano, then went to the grocery store and bought turkey burgers and buns (which is really weird because I don't care much for turkey burgers, but I woke up with an uncontrollable urge to eat them). So, I ate turkey burgers and scrubbed my stove and toilet and unclogged the sink. All in all, a pretty fruitful Christmas. I also managed to stumble upon a blast from the past the other night. I was looking at this site epitonic.com for mp3s (I've never really gotten into all that, but was sampling some songs from records to see if I wanted to buy the whole LP) and I always get a kick out of how they categorize things. They had a scroll menu for "indie bands" so I had to see what they considered to be indie. It was a wide-ranging mish-mash with some stuff I liked, a lot that I didn't, but one of the names sounded familiar, Heather Duby. I thought my sister went to school with a Heather Duby (oh, let me guess--she's going to search on her name, end up here, then start having her entire family email me about how upset and depressed they are) and all the bio info added up--something about hailing from "outside of Portland, OR" and being adopted. I remember the Dubys and they were adopted. Kendra was a year older than me and really tall and freaky looking and played sports. My mom used to work with their mom at a hospital and she had some odd name like Lola Bessie. She was also very tall and freaky looking so I was suprised that the one daughter was adopted. I never knew anything about Heather, but she wasn't tall. However, I did learn all about her influences on her SubPop site. I love how people who fancy themselves as musicians/artists/poets what-have-you, will try and make their lives sound as exotic as possible. Her Sarah McLachlan/Cocteau Twins style isn't quite my cup of tea (though it might have been when I was in high school and she was a preteen), but that's neither here nor there. I just wish people would fess up to their white trash roots. That's all. Today I was the only one at work, it was weird. I mean, it's only a three person office anyway, but it felt weird, especially since I've only been there a couple weeks and still don't know what I'm doing really. And I've got tons to do. I didn't even have time to send a single email or goof off looking at crap on the web. That's sad when there's no one watching your back and you still can't slack. But I get fri. and the following tues. off so it all balances out in the end, I think. Blech, I feel ill. I just ate this huge burrito (another food item I don't normally like much--I don't know what's up with me) because I had to meet the $7.50 minimum delivery amount (it was 16 degrees out earlier--it's too cold and I'm too lazy to go out and get my own food). Well, I guess no one made me eat the whole thing. I just get excited when I'm in "the city" (I'm staying in Manhattan tonight) because I can get delivery (all they have is lame Chinese and whole pizzas in my 'hood). I went wild and ordered all this sushi and tempura Thurs night, just because I could. Wow, it certainly doesn't take much to make me happy. I shouldn't be allowed to house sit.

12/24/00
Jesus Christ, someone needs to tie my hands down. I can't stop picking at this batch of "Saltine Toffee Cookies" I made earlier today. I also made more respectable items like rum balls and coconut bars, but the concoction of melted butter and sugar, chocolate chips, and saltine crackers, is the most addictive white trash treat I've ever tasted. This is what happens when you're home alone during the holidays. No, Joe Pesci doesn't try to break in and staircases don't become sledding courses, you just end up snacking on goodies like a little pig. It could be worse, I guess. My only disappointment is not being able to carry out my mission of eating at a chain restaurant on every major holiday. Last year was TGIFriday's and I almost ended up killing a couple people at our table. My limit for asinine behavior is only so high. That wasn't so good. Since I'm doing nothing for Christmas, I was trying to figure something out for New Year's. Unfortunately, all airfare is ridiculously inflated because of the holiday. First choice, Las Vegas, was nixed. Same for New Orleans. England was an option, but I'd rather go later in the year and spend more time. Even Montreal had to be thrown out because you need passports to fly into the country and James never got his back from the Canadian junkies that ruined my last vacation in Sept. (I still don't know why mine turned up.) So, I chose a random city, and Philadelphia it is. Yep, I'll be ringing in the New Year (hopefully nowhere near the Liberty Bell) in the City of Brotherly Love. We'd actually planned a daytrip for a couple Saturdays ago just to get an authentic cheesesteak, but never put it into action. I don't really care where I go, I just don't particularly want to be here.

12/23/00
It's not even Christmas yet, and I've already opened most of my presents. Wed. I got a package from my mom and didn't think to wait til mon. She usually sends a little money and some odds and ends. This year I got candy, an odd little shot glass from Scotland with a crest of a regal looking lion with the text, "Lion Rampant" below it. I don't think it's supposed to be funny, but it is. Also, some Hello Kitty chapstick and a Hello Kitty I-Zone Polaroid camera (I didn't even know they made those). Thurs. I got presents from James, but they weren't huge surprises since I was with him when he bought them. I got a mini-stereo system thing with a turntable. It's next to impossible to find one with a turntable. I remember looking at Circuit City with my sister in probably '94 and they only had one to choose from then. This was also from Circuit City and the only one they had. I've looked online too, and it truly appears that this AIWA model is the only one on the market. I guess people who are serious about vinyl would be buying fancier, separate components. I like music, but I've never been one of those serious audiophile types who must have top-of-the-line equipment. I also got a watch, which is something I've needed for over a year now. The surprise gift was the ScaredyKat necklace #2. I felt bad about getting the first one stolen after I found out how much it cost--I hope this one was a little less money. Now, I won't have anything to open on Christmas day. I'm still not sure what I'm even doing, if anything for Christmas or Christmas Eve. I just bought a nice bottle of Meyer's rum and made an egg nog, but you can only drink so many of those. I bought it to make rum balls, which I just started putting together. I figure I should do some holiday baking with my free time. Speaking of baking (and getting baked), my friend Jane was making cookies last week to give to people and I jokingly asked if she was putting pot in them. I guess she did end up making such a batch, and in the box she gave James and I there were three "special" cookies that were on one side, but the thing got all shaken up. So last night I was eating some while house-sitting at James's and next thing I knew, I realized that I had been watching this silly VH1 show, "100 Greatest Hard Rock Bands" for a really long time and hadn't budged an inch off the couch. I couldn't make myself move and the show seemed really, really good. Those cookies totally messed me up, which sort of amused me, especially since I've never gone in for any of that stoner stuff. Tonight I'll stick with my rum.

12/18/00
I think I'm the only person in the world who packs a lunch. At least I have been at every single job I've had in the past two years. And often people admire my motivation or think that it's health-conscious, especially since 90% of lunches seem to involve pizza or greasy Chinese take-out. I'm lazy, not motivated and I'm certainly not that concerned with my fat intake. I'm just cheap as heck. I hate sack lunches. I have to buy transportable, zero preparation items that can be tossed together at 7am and that usually ends up being baby carrots, raisins, pita and hummus and a banana. I suppose that does sound sort of healthy, and I don't mind most of it, but the banana is killing me. I bring one every day, get disgusted by it, take it back home and then re-pack it the next morning. All the while, the rest of the bunch gets browner and browner on my utility cart. Ick. I love banana bread, banana ice cream, and those banana pakoras that they only seem to serve at Indian restaurants in New York. But plain bananas are so hard to deal with. I've got to stop buying them because it's just a waste of time and money (yeah, a whopping $1.49, but still). I used to do yogurt, but it was the same exact deal. It would sit in my bag day after day getting all rancid. I desperately need a new lunch item and it can't be fruit because I don't like fruit (yeah, I know, who hates fruit. Vegetables are just fine, but fruit is so...fruity). This is a serious matter. The two people I now work with have a favorite dish from the Chinese place across the street and it's so wrong, yet unbelievably tempting. They serve this giant platter of fried shrimp and french fries for $4.25 and the one girl always gets it because she's young and tiny and doesn't care and then the other one who's not so young and not so tiny (though about my age and smaller than me) always talks about it, goes on about how she shouldn't get, and then after seeing the other girl eating hers, goes and gets it. It's a daily ordeal, I swear. I ordered it last week just to see for myself and it was darn tasty, but a bit much, even for a bad food junkie like myself. It made me nauseous and I've got a high tolerance for grease. So, back to the beastly bag lunch for now.

12/14/00
Tuesday morning I was walking from the subway to the new job and I was trying to quickly smoke a cigarette before I got there because you never know how breaks and lunches will work and I don't really take them anyway. But there was this huge wind storm going on, the kind where you can barely walk and keep getting pushed around and my lighter is all half-assed and barely works even in the most ideal conditions so I couldn't light my cigarette and I was having a fit. I hate buying lighters in the first place--I know they're only 50 cents, but matches are free. It's a dumb thing to pay for, but I was all wound up and crazy, maybe because I hadn't been up at 7am in over four months, who knows, so I resorted to popping in a corner store and buying a damn lighter. It irked me to have to do that. Fine. Then yesterday I was poking around the neighborhood during lunch time (there's a store called Scaredy Kat two blocks down so I took that as a good sign. Actually I already knew it existed, I was given an ad flyer awhile back, but it hadn't crossed my mind any time recently) and went to buy a pack of cigarettes. Whenever I deal with shopkeepers it's like I'm the one who's ESL because they never understand me, and the guy had two packs of Camel Lights and was asking me which one I wanted and I didn't get it because they were the same. I was like, "I don't know, that one" then realized that one was a regular pack and one came with a free lighter. Now I'm the proud owner of two lighters even though I didn't particularly want either of them. Feast or famine, I guess.

12/11/00
It's my last day of freedom and I was poking around job listing websites out of habit and saw something amusing. Fri. I got a call from this really scary, aggressive New York type recruiter woman who wanted me to come in this morning to talk about jobs she had lined up. But she was totally ripping me a new asshole (I've been using that quaint phrase an awful lot lately) over the phone about my resume and going on about how poorly it was organized and what the heck had I been doing from 1994-98 (I only list jobs from '98 on though I graduated in '94) and it annoyed me because really what was I doing for those four years? I was being a Portlander and so what if I wasn't career crazy out of college. But anyway, she had a job that sounded up my alley, but didn't tell me what the company was so I was curious. The pay was a decent chunk more than the job I was waiting to hear back on and I wanted to keep my options open, but about an hour after getting off the phone I was offered the other job, which I took. I just didn't want to mess around with this nasty recruiter thing. So, this morning I was looking at jobs and saw one for a production coordinator that sounded exactly like the job this woman wanted to send me on an interview for. It was posted directly through the company--and do you know what it was? Goddamn AmericanBaby.com. That was the freakiest 6 months of my life I spent there. They'd probably give it to me too since I was familiar with the site. But babies?! Ick. I swore I'd never get caught up in something like that again. Thank God I took the other (potentially more stressful, lower paying) position. I would've died if I'd walked in to the interview this morning to hear news like that.

12/10/00
Let's see...it's sun. morning, I'm drinking coffee, eating mini holiday Twixes and trying to wake up and do something productive. Well, after almost five months of being unemployed, I finally got a job. And you'd think that I'd be excited, but really I'm just kind of nervous and not looking forward to starting on tues. I know that's dumb, but I've grown accustomed to having an open schedule and doing things when I feel like it and now I'm going to be busy as heck. I'm nervous because it's a super small company, which means accountability for everything, lots of stress and with the climate surrounding internet start-ups these days I could be looking for a new job in another five months. But that's life, isn't it? I feel like I should be buying Christmas gifts, but I haven't been that motivated. Yesterday I only ended up buying shoes for myself. I suppose that now I won't be going anywhere for the holidays since you can't really be at a new job for a week and then take off for two, which sort of bums me out. Now I'm going to get stuck doing everyone-who's-leaving-town's dirty chores. But it's probably for the best because I spoke with my sister the other day and it's total chaos over there in England. As expected, my mom and the step-dude wore out their welcome within 12 hours of being in the country. Pub culture does not serve the two of them very well. I was always under the impression that alcoholics weren't supposed to drink, but that's never stopped the step-dude before. I guess he was belligerent and insulting to my sister's friends and eventually she had to physically pry a drink out of his hand and force him to leave the bar. Sounds fun. But the reason that it's a good thing I don't go over next week is that I guess my sister has some thing for her husband's friend and it all came out the other night and supposedly the marriage is over for good this time (similar situations have happened at least three times before, but I guess it's serious this time) and he threatened to get her kicked out of the country (which he can't really do) so obviously it's not the most pleasant of times to be visiting. And to make it crazier, for the last 10 months or so that they've lived in Bristol, her husband had been lying and saying he hurt his back so he wouldn't have to go to work and they'd still pay him (nation of slackers, I swear). He'd been going to doctors periodically to verify he was still unable to work and of course back injuries are nebulous so he was never proved as a fraud, but it turns out that he really did have something wrong with his blood, too-large red blood cells or something. He goes back next week for results, but it sounds like leukemia, which is really pretty rotten and makes the holiday visit prospect sound like even less of a good idea. The really demented part is that my sister and this guy are trying to figure out who gets the house and she wants to pay it off and take it for her own, but they got some weird insurance policy where if one of them has a life-threatening illness then the house gets paid off so she's waiting to see what's wrong with him before taking any loans out for the house. That sort of makes her look evil, I think, but I'd probably wait and see too. So, I'm stuck here, but it's probably better than getting sucked into overseas turmoil.

12/6/00
Yesterday the morning started off with a Starbucks mix-up where I got someone else's fancy almond-flavored frothy drink instead of my usual black coffee (I rarely even go to Starbucks, not because I'm morally opposed to it or anything, I've just grown accustomed to the nasty 50 cent N.Y. cart coffee) and thought that might be a sign of good things to come, but it all went downhill after that and didn't let up until I got home at 7 pm. A million annoying things happened, but who cares, that was yesterday. I don't keep up like I used to, but I couldn't help noticing that Henry Thomas seems to be in the middle of one of his mini comebacks. This is probably the third time and it never amounts to much. He never gets big league no matter how much he tries, and for that I still get a kick out of him. He can't make it no matter how hard he tries. There was an interview with him in last week's "Time Out New York" and a full page ad for "A Good Baby," which I remember him talking about in late '98. The reviews haven't been so hot. He's also got "All the Pretty Horses" coming out for Christmas. I think he plays Matt Damon's sidekick. He also has some minor role in an upcoming Scorsese flick, "Gangs of New York." Leonardo DiCaprio has the lead. It's not easy competing with the Damons and DiCaprios of the world, I suppose. Speaking of films, I saw a funny little Japanese movie this weekend called "Sasayaki" about a teenage boy obsessed with a girl in his school. He sneakily takes photos of her butt, steals her underwear and sniffs it and then after they start dating, he tapes her going to the bathroom. Good stuff. It's turns into this perverse, yet comical S & M deal where she ties him up, hides him in this cabinet and makes him watch her have sex with a classmate. I think many scenes were supposed to be humorous, but no one in the theater was laughing. I left not knowing what to think, but then, I never know what to think.

12/4/00
I know I say this practically every month, but I can't believe it's already December. Friday was crazy. My mom and step-dude had a four hour layover at Newark airport so they suggested I come and hang out with them, but they don't have any concept of NY travel-time and the inconveniences of seemingly simple tasks. First I had to get to Penn Station and then I had to catch an $11 charter bus. I waited for an eternity in the freezing cold (it actually got down to 21 degrees this weekend) and when a bus finally showed up the driver said I was on the wrong side of the street so I had to cross over and wait some more for proper bus. I got to the airport just on time (3:45 and their flight was in at 3:48), but when it's broken up into three separate terminals with buses to shuttle you to each one since the monorail isn't working and I went to terminal C like I was told to, but there wasn't any information whatsoever on arrivals, just departures and when I finally found the flight # it said it was international therefore at terminal B. I got pissed and had already wasted 30 min. and then had to catch a bus to terminal B only to discover that that's where the flight would take off at 7:45. Nobody knew anything about a Portland to Newark flight and I started to lose my shit. By now it'd almost been an hour and I had to get back to terminal C where I just was and try to deduce which gate this Portland plane had flown into, nevermind the fact that my mom could be anywhere by this point. I went to catch another shuttle and they were all going to everywhere in the airport except C so I had a fit and started walking on this long foot path with little feet with C's on them. I got about half way along when I noticed my mom and step-dude heading straight towards me. It was really strange that met up on that random foot path at all. And it's a good thing did because I was a second away from throwing in the towel and was pretty pissed to have wasted $22 and 3 hours of my day. I can't wait to hear what happens when they're over in England from my sister. This is their third visit and every time they go it ends up being total chaos. Last time the step-dude went all crazy at the pub (he's not supposed to drink at all) and there was this huge fight back at the house where everyone could hear screaming and things banging around and then the step-dude came running downstairs with his neck all scratched up and bloody. Plus, I hear my sister has a crush on some guy and told her husband it was over last week, but this is like the fourth time that's happened so I don't know if it really means anything. I'm just glad I'm safe here in Queens. Even though I had been tentatively planning a trip over in the middle of the month. but as I've said, that hinges on whether or not I'm working soon. With my luck I'll get a job (not that I don't want one) next week and I'll be stuck here for who knows how long without a vacation. Oh well. Jesus Christ, I am so mad at the unemployment people. I won't even go into it because it's dumb and boring, but I had been scheduled for a meeting at two different locations last month and only went to one because I was told to and ignored the letters saying I'd missed my appt. because it was there mix-up to have sent me two. Then today I get a call from this total bitch who was talking to me like a five year old and saying how I was supposed to go to both of them anyway and she was trying to make me read the letter out loud so she could scold me and prove a point and I refused to read it to her over the phone because she was a cunt. And the thing is that the one office has no phone. You can't call them. I called the other office last week because I didn't want to get into trouble and they said to write a stupid letter explaining the situation so I did, but this woman on the phone said that didn't matter and was trying to get me to read this paragraph out loud that said something about how if you're not able to attend you're supposed to show up as soon as possible in person and I was like fuck that. Why is there no phone? Why could I not just contact someone and see if I really was supposed to go to two meetings at two different locations in one week and bring the same exact forms to both (the woman insisted that they weren't the same meeting, however). So because I was so bad and can't obey their rules they've taken away a day's wages from this week's check. Like I need to be taught a lesson or something and I was just like fuck you guys. They can keep my stinking $79.40. I just get so frustrated with the pettiness of people. It's like the worse off you are, the more people want to fuck with you. It's making me really nasty. I hate to get all caught up and upset about money, but I'm penny-pinching like crazy and then have to hear about all the crap people I know are buying. It's oversensitive, for sure. The way I feel when people talk so cavalierly about money is like how women who've miscarried probably feel around women with babies. A friend was trying to get me to buy $10 and under presents for disadvantaged children, which is good in theory, but she was pitching like, "well, I spend that much on lunch every day so it's the least I can do" and I'm like I wish I could have a $10 lunch every day. Maybe she feels guilt because she makes enough after working every two months to not work for another couple months and takes vacations whenever she feels like it (and expects me to stay here in NY because I have nowhere to go and feed her cats and clean up their shit) and needs to give to others, but I'm like fuck off. I'm not about to do dirty work while everyone else is off enjoying Christmas and I'm not going to buy any kids any presents and I don't care if I'm a bitch scrooge. See, I get way too annoyed about this stuff. I mean, James got a cash bonus (I won't even mention the stock bonus) larger than what I've ever made in an entire year. And it's not that I don't think he deserves it, but the world is so warped. People are being handed thousands and thousands of dollars just for existing and I'm being ripped a new asshole over $79.40. Anyway, I was intending to write about all sorts of other stuff, but got caught up in this rambling and now have to get ready for bed since I reluctantly agreed working for my former boss tomorrow. I hate doing that. It sucks. I was avoiding him all last week and said I'm come in today, but was so annoyed at everything that I made up a lie and stayed in bed and decided that I'd put an end to it and stop doing piddly crap for him because I hate it. Then I got the phone call from the unemployment bitch and figured that maybe I should work one last day to make up the money I'm now losing. Maybe if I'm really lucky, the unemployment people will find out I've been working under the table and revoke my benefits altogether. That would really put me in the holiday spirit, you know?