Question of the Week
May 3-May 9, 1998
Question this week suggested
by our fishin' bud, Foley!
Describe your coming out
- how your family reacted
- how your friends reacted
- how you set it up to tell them
My father reacted in a typical way for him ... he is a CPA, and is very much in his head all the time ... he asked me ... "If there was something that made you gay, isn't there something you can do to make you not gay?" I responded with "Well Dad, I am not sure if there was something that made me gay." He then asked me - get this - "Could you research that for me?" Now, I am not exactly sure where I was supposed to go to find the answer to that bizarre question....if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know!
My mother accepted it very well when I told her nearly 25 years ago. I am now 50 and she is 72. I feel very lucky as I have heard so many painful stories. Recently, however, she told me, "I think I must have had a hormone imbalance while I was pregnant with you." I listened to this, and then hugged her. I think she is still looking for a reason she can accept.
I never had much of a "coming out" I think I was emitting "gaydar" from birth. ;-) However...for my two cents worth...When I talked to my mother about being a lesbian...She said, as most mothers will, "What did I do wrong?" I smiled at this...and replied, "Mother you didn't do anything wrong...this is just a part of who I am." Her next comment was: "I don't understand." My response was quick, precise, and left no more questions. I simply said..."Mom...you don't have to understand it...all you have to do is accept it...because I am your daughter, and you are my mother. If you cannot accept me as I am...then we have no relationship other than a biological one." I don't think she will ever really "understand" ...but she does accept me and respects my choices. I have never had any problems with my family members...and for some reason. I am the one that they turn to...when they want to get back to being "real" !!! All things being equal, the best answer is usually the most simple. Being honest is easy...deception and denial thrive in the dark. ;-)
My best friend for over ten years is having very hard time dealing with me coming out and it's been over a year I came out to her! Been out for four years et kept it secret from her et my other close friends because of their comments on gays et lesbians. Was hard to lead double life. Hung my head alot. Is terrible how it has worked out ... they make fun, they keep defending their sexuallity over et over, don't want to go anywhere in public any more with me like we use to, big mess hell I ain't changed, same person, but not to them.
I was unhappily married for several years, but "sticking in there for the kids" when I started to have erotic dreams about a lesbian I had known for the past three years (we bowled on the same scratch league). Frankly, I never even liked her because she was too loud and intense. Anyway, I was married, so I kept it to myself.
Six months later (while I'm still dreaming) my husband took off. I thought about it ... I had two daughters still at home, both in high school. I went to them and told them that I was interested in dating this woman (they had met most of my bowling friends at one function or another), but if it would upset them I would wait until they were eighteen. They told me that they thought this might be good for me, that it wouldn't bother them at all, and to go for it!
Next I approached my 78 year old mother ... I told her that I was interested in another woman sexually. She said she didn't want to hear anything more about it. My sister, who was there at the time, said, "This might work out better for you." (I think she knew more than I did).
I approached a mutual friend of the woman I had a crush on, and she only succeded in making a complete mess of the entire thing. Eventually, I made a (bowling) bet with my dream woman, and lost (darn), so I had to take her out to dinner. We lived together three years. It didn't work out because we are too politically different, but my kids and my mother are still very close to her (which is good).
I never told my father or my brother, by the way, I just let them figure it out when they came over to the house and noticed that we shared the same bed ... I figured that they would either talk about it or not, whatever was good for them. It worked fine. Each talked to me much later, when it was comfortable for them (or their curiosity just got the better of them).
Oh, did I mention that I was a grandmother by the time I came out? I have two older, married children too, who seemed to take it all in stride. My granddaughters love my girlfriend. I believe the key to it all was that I always had openly gay and lesbian friends and my kids grew up believing that it is normal to love whomever you love.
My most amusing "coming out" event occurred at an agency christmas party ... I was working with developmentally delayed adults at the time ... and one of them told me he wouldn't mind having me as a girlfriend ... I didn't think, just looked at him and said ... "thank you, but I already have a girlfriend". My client was fine with that, but the staff guy with him was drinking coffee ... and he kind of spit it all over my client and his own wife ... anyway, I found it generally best to just not try to hide anything and let things develop naturally ... got much more amusing results that way than by sweating and planning.
I got drunk to get rid of my fear in telling 2 of my (straight) friends. When they both basically said that they knew and were just waiting for me to be ready to tell them, I decided it wasn't necessary to be drunk to tell anyone else. It feels much better to be sober and honest.
I came out to my friends first when I was a senior in college. Most of them seemed to already know but a few were too uncomfortable with this "revelation" to continue friendships. As for family ... I told them over Thanksgiving dinner for some reason that even I don't understand. I thought I was asking for the mashed potatoes and all of a sudden I was saying "I'm gay and in love with a woman". My mother dropped the dish on the floor and didn't say a word. My father left the room. The next day he had a near fatal heart attack. My family cut off communication with me after that. That was 11 years ago.
My coming out to my family was totally accidental. One evening I was in a private chat room with my gf. We were doing what people often do in private chat rooms. Usually, when we created a private chat room, we would make it invite only, but that evening ...
When I came out to my family, I was really worried about how they would react. My sister in particular is fairly conservative and had always chided me for being different. But, everyone was supportive, no yelling or screaming happened. When I told my mom I was bi, she said, I thought so. I've wondered for a while. But, they all love me just the same! They are also accepting of my SO, and actively include her in the family. Couldn't have asked for a better reception.
My mom hmmmm doesn't call anymore! Hinted around on the phone then asked her what she would do if one of her kids were to tell her she was a lesbian what would she say to that? hmmm silence ...
[Edited for brevity] The concept of coming out can mean different things along the gender spectrum ... I am a 58 yo male ... I live in a very conservative area and as my years of service at the University increased I suddenly realized that I was working with numerous gay and lesbian students. I haven't been able to figure it out except they felt very safe with me. Then I started testing my gaydar and found out I had a very high perception. I kept all of this quiet from my family and colleagues, but when I retired I came out! ...
I informed my family about my work with these students, keeping them in school, giving them unconditional love, bringing them together with parents and siblings etc. My three daughters have given me their complete blessings as long as I don't neglect the Grandchildren. My wife feels threatened ... (my second marriage). She is the one who is upset with my working with Gay and Lesbian students. ...
Between marriages I spent the better part of two years with a lesbian as a partner. I hesitate to say she was bisexual, because she and I never felt a gender difference between us. We are the same height, weight, could wear the same clothes. There was an age difference and she had to move on to get her degrees. Her Father was a Marine and when he found out she was a lesbian, this was before I met her, barged into her apartment and hit her in the face. ...
Let me point out that my first sexual experiences were with a male who lived across the street from me and we interacted for the first two years of high school. Then we found girl friends and since that time I have not had any homosexual sexual interactions. I have not told my wife this, because she would be more put off. ...
So I came out, but maybe not in the classic way you meant your question? As I keep telling one young lady I am working with - even average talented lesbian drummers need an education. Two weeks ago, I drove 100 miles to listen to her band, her folks came with me, and the band presented me a certificate making me an honorary dyke. I guess this was my coming out. ...
I am 58 and still looking - in Ecology we sometime say that the most interesting Ecological questions lie between turbulent and laminar condition. Maybe thats where I am, and maybe thats where I am supposed to be. ...
I have decided that I will never stop asking questions (good questions begat good data) and sharing my incomplete answers with those I am commanded to love - all humans, not just males or females, but everyone because gender has nothing to do with the reciprocial knowledge, and spirituality that I can learn from all people. Aloha.
My mom took it well. She didn't care I was gay. Her main concern was that I was sleeping with someone (my girlfriend) whom I wasn't married to! My sister just got a smug smile - I think she knew. And my kids? Well ... they're radical gay activists even at their tender ages! Um ... we won't discuss what my ex husband had to say ... (grin)
I always said I would never come out until I could figure out a way to make my mother think it was all her fault. Never got the chance ... she figured it out all by herself and then double checked with my ex-husband who gleefully told her (and just about everybody else). So I just threw caution to the wind and came out with a vengeance.
Got kicked out of the Episcopal Church (Now, THAT takes some doing!) and made a few folks nervous, but mostly I got this response: "Duh". See why I'm surprised that your test says I'm NOT BUTCH! IT LIES! I AM AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. OK, well, my partner doesn't agree but who asked her? And, besides, I'm the one who can pull a clutch, not her. However, now that I have achieved lower middle age and lower middle class, I have decided a) to pay someone else to work on the car; b) to get an automatic.
Anyway, mostly I don't set up my coming out, I just do it naturally ... as in "My partner and I went to Nordstroms and bought her a new dress" sort of thing. Oooops! Did I say her? I mean, uh, him. Wait, not a dress. Uh, uh, a suit and a pink blouse, I mean shirt.
Hell, ladies, I'm one and I don't care who knows it. I usually just wear a button that says "Born again lesbian". Usually gets the message across. BTW, I came out at 20, went back in, came out again at 25, went back in and really screwed up by getting married and producing three kids (17, 15, and 8), came out again at 40 and ain't never going back in no closet.
The kids are great, though, and took it really well. The 15 year old is a little nervous letting her friends know but otherwise that part's been fine. It's just that the older girls blame my partner for the divorce and they can be real little sh*ts about it when they want to.
Oh, yeah, I also have a brand new son-in-law and a month old granddaughter. She's really cool about the whole thing. Well, I could ramble on forever but I've got to take the 8 year old to a birthday party and the 15 year old to a basketball game and get back to work on my thesis. I spend way too much time messing with this computer thingy ...
Well I came out first to my daughter, who was the best friend of my wife's daughter. My family freaked and I lost my best friend, and my oldest son won't be a part of my life, and my youngest son is ok I guess. Her kids love me like I'm their mom. Her x husband is a good friend to us and her dad treats me like I'm his daughter. Some of my family treats her like she is their sister and some are totaly freaked. Her brother won't even talk to us, he even put a big fence up so he couldn't see us.
"I'm Coming Out"---The family wasn't any problem at all. As a matter-of-fact, my dear dad "upstaged" my coming out by telling me he had been bi-sexual before marrying my mother---now that knocked my socks off. Most friends were very supportive, those who weren't supportive or accepting I chalked up to never really having been a TRUE friend. The SETUP: just got tired of the "hiding" of who I really was. My folks always taught me not to lie---this was the biggest lie of my life. So I decided it was time to "come clean" & tell the truth. It has made me a person who is not only comfortable with herself, but isn't afraid of anything or anyone. It was worth doing it & it was important. IMHO.
Family reacted without a reaction !!! Don't call or write anymore. Friends reacted the same way!! Told some over phone told some to their face, told some while under the influence of lite beer! short and sweet answers! Would not like to go thru it again and hope that with time they will come around! If not oh well i figure it's their loss not mine! Tis a part of who i am not what they want me to be but if i tough it out they will realize they shouldn't have thrown me back hehehe I'm a keeper!!!!
LOL ... My coming out ... most of my friends were lesbians ... unbeknownst to me ... and they thought I would never catch on ... they took me to bars and parties and I never to this day thought anything was odd or I should say out of the ordinary ... but one day a light bulb went on and everyone celebrated cause really there was only so much they could do ... right?? I have never come out to my family ... mostly because they are wealthy I am not ... thusly I want to be in the will. So it's a purely selfish financial decision. My sister is also a lesbian. She want to come out to them but I talked her out of it ... also for selfish reasons. So this story makes me out to be a naive nerd that wears polyester clothes with snags in them ... it's true ... what can I say ... LOL
Coming out, huh?? Kinda broad topic, eh? Well let me tell you what my parents did. My parents were gay bashing (nothing new) when finally I said, "Mom, Dad I've got to tell you something. I'm a lesbian" My mom sat down right where she was and started crying. My father told me he wasn't surprised but a little upset. My father acted basically like it didn't happen, but my mom didn't speak to me for about 6 days until ... I was over at a friend's house one afternoon and she called crying (no surprise) she called to tell me she had bought me a Princess Diana commemorative magazine and had out it on my bed. Then she said bye and hung up. After I got home she was talking to me. We never really talk about my lesbianism. It's just kind of a topic that's there but not there. The funniest thing is that she always tells me she feels bad for me because I'll never get to have sex. Little does she know. : )
When I came out to me mother, she took better than I had expected. I started to cry, then she started; the only thing that she said was "it's your life and your choices ... she's not anti-gay or pro-gay; she just wanted me to be happy. And I'm very HAPPY that the family knows ... the family is very supportive ... Now and about the friends, they have bigger issues to deal with, they can care less if I'm gay ... and I didn't set anyone up, surprises work best for me.
Hmm, coming out ... well I came out to my friends first and none of them really cared since I go to a women's college and it's pretty liberal ... the first person I told was my roomate I moved in with her in the middle of my first year and the first night we were in the room together neither of us could fall asleep and she said to me "There's something I need to tell you" I said "What" she said "I'm a lesbian, I hope that doesn't weird you out" I said "So am I don't worry about it." It was a nice bonding moment. My parents are a different story ... I never really came out to them, but my the summer between my sophomore year I recieved a lengthy letter from my mother essentially asking me if I was a lesbian etc ... I read it cried, called her cried some more, went home to visit talked about it ... and well she's still working on accepting it and loves me, my dad doesn't care, my little sister likes to call me a dyke, and my extended family ... well I'm Italian American and it's none of their business. That's about it ...
My children, my friends nor my parents know. After 25 years together, no one has asked, and if they do, we both will lie, hopefully spareing them agony. It's been very hard not to look at [my lover] a certain way, never to touch her, or show any emotion towards each other, in ANY way. We do this for my family. Hope this makes some sort of sense! And happy phishing to foley!!
Wow, I guess you'd say I'm one of those late bloomers. I spent my whole life denying that I'm a lesbian (50+ yrs). I just came out to myself within the last 2 years. I've been married for 22 years to a really sweet guy. I often said he was the last of the "Good Guys". Trouble was there was absolutely no sexual feelings between us. First we did it because we thought we were supposed to. I wondered for a long time what all the hype was about sex. I could take it or leave it and I'd just as soom leave it. Well, my hubby kinda suspected that I needed a woman and he actually tried to set me up a couple of times. The last 5 yrs or so we only stayed together for financial reasons.
Somewhere around the first of this year, I bagan a woman to woman relationship with a friend. We've been friends for several years but finally realized that we had some chemistry between us. Boy! Did we have CHEMISTRY!!!!!!!! I never knew sex could be like this!
Well, telling my hubby was fairly easy. He was very happy for both of us and has been very supportive to both me and my gf. Telling my son was not nearly as hard as I thought. He's 14 and a really neat kid. We've tried to raise him to be tolerant of everyone. His reaction was sorta, ok, Mom, what else is new. Didn't phase him a bit. Hubby and I will be splitting up soon and since there is no animosity between us, our son is fine with the split. He knows he can be with either of us whenever he needs or want to.
As for friends, those that are true friends are very happy for me. Those who I don't feel that close to, or who I feel will not be able to accept it, I have no intention of telling. If they find out, so be it. They can make of it what they wish. I have asked my hubby not to tell his family, though. They are all very homophobic. I don't get along with them that well anyway, and for my son's sake, it's none of their business. Why make trouble when it's not necessary? My son loves his grandparents and I wouldn't want my sexuality to interfere in that relationship. That's about it.
I came out when I was 16, first I told my friends, and they all took it very nice, they are all suporting me. I told my parents when I was 17, and the rest of the "world" too. My mom got hysteric and sent me to a psychologist, my father thought it was ok I am lesbian, as long as I am happy he is. He contacted the gay scene here and got me to know others like me. I don`t know how I really did it, I mean, told them, I just did.
A lot of crying from mother!! Friends not totally shocked or dismayed! Just bad parental results!
It happened fairly quickly because I was so happy, not happy to tell people, per se, just happy to be finally out. I didn't fear telling anyone except my brother. He is very opinionated about everything.
When I told my friends, they seemed to be fine with it. Only one acted in a way that upset me. She is very petite, fem, pink & blue, blond, etc., & I know I had to let her know right away I don't lust after her, that I had never had any such feelings. I haven't, either. I like tall & statuesque, brown hair & eyes. Actually, she ... [edited to preserve identity of friend] ... isn't the bombshell she thinks she is. I don't appreciate people who think they are great anyway.
I have very little family left and told my niece who is close. She seemed fine with it but later showed she isn't. I don't care about her anymore. My brother, my only family left, was hard to tell. In two previous phone calls (he lives two states away,) I brought up homosexuality. I told him I was trying to locate our gay cousin we grew up with. He didn't know. In the other call, I asked him what he thinks about homosexuality. He said, "I hate that shit." That told me I couldn't tell him, but a few weeks later, I called him and just came out with it. He said, "I knew you were trying to tell me." I responded, "so why did you have to make it so hard for me!" He asked some questions, and I answered him honestly. He asked how I could be married for 23 years and how sex was with my husband. I told him I hadn't thought I could live alone and that I just let him have sex because it was my duty.
I think I set each person up differently to tell them based on who they are and the way we get along. I was prepared for them to let go of me, but none did. I felt wonderful after that, especially because I was and still am so in love with the wonderful woman I came out with. If it hadn't been for her, I don't think I would have been able to come out at all.
My coming out was quite by chance certainly not by choice. My families reactions were very disturbing, they were insulted and hurt. Reactions by my friends were fine as most of them were also gay. I never really had to tell anyone, just being out with my lover who is very butch was enough said.