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please, Sir
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| yesterday:
previous posts ... small thing, big impact: receiving the nicest email about my journal, from someone whom Master actually knows better than i, but i would like to visit more with in the future ... She also lent me this quote: "to be able to say how much you love is to love but little.." me: this is
actually my webpage, which will need to be worked on as well, especially since i am making
life-changes ... this feels like me this morning... |
i detest the weekends that i have to stay here,
in the place i am trying to move out of. i suppose i didn't really have to
stay; i could have gone to Master's house and had a quiet few days away from work and
people and the stresses surrounding the packing and division of things. But then i
would not have gotten a lot done, and slowed the leaving process even more. i am
however, enjoying the solitude of a few morning hours to sit and post to the journal.
And sip tea before the day gets busy and hectic. Actually i haven't
done this in a long while; getting out of bed early because i want to, rather than having
to, making my tea and mind-drifting without distractions. i have not been
alone in this house for quite awhile. i had forgotten how large it can feel.
And i will admit to feeling a twinge of something, i am not sure which emotion, as i
prepare to leave it. i realize it is just a house, walls and floors and ceilings,
but i made it my space, over the years, and that part is hard to separate from.
i look around and see the changes that i argued my way into getting done, and
remember the satisfied pleasure i felt when an idea worked out. i only had one true
supporter through all the physical changes of the house; Red was always able to see what i
did, when i suggested things like tearing down bearing walls. He also did a large
part of the work for me. It must have looked funny seeing a very large man,
blond-red braid running down his back, towering over me as we tore away plaster.
Everywhere i turn there is the stamp of me, of janine. Four tiny rooms became one large living space. Windows were installed where before there were only cold walls. The kitchen was not only redone, but relocated. A staircase was put in, and wasted space underneath turned into shelves. And i am glad i did it. i am glad now that i stood my ground and argued my way through all of the process, through all of the dirt and the dust until this house looked like what i was seeing in my mind's eye. i was right. And i did do a good job. Maybe i am just saying my good-byes. ... shadoe ... October 30/99
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