"Even if your fantasy comes true,
that doesn't mean you should stop dreaming."
-Jonathan Knight
i like this quote :) i have been lucky lately in the ones i am finding; they all seem to be touching a pleasure nerve somewhere inside me. Or perhaps it is just because i am indulging in feeling pleasure these days. Scary stuff for me, cause in the past the good times always went away. Or maybe i just allowed them to go away.
Hmm.
Anyway, i am playing "hooky" from work today. Taking a much needed "mental health" day from the insanity and anxiety of my place of employment. So i have had time to go searching for more of these quotes i seem to have taken an interest in. The following is an excellent site for any interested souls.
i putzed around the house for awhile, staying in my nightgown, cleaning and mopping and sorting and laundry. i find all this very calming. There isn't any pressure to answer a phone or help a customer, or solve a problem for one of the workmen. i can move freely about, not confined to an 8 x 12 room, without fear of someone asking me what i am doing. Or giving me a raised eyebrow as they wonder what they are paying my wage for. i can play loud raunchy music, or gentle tones of classical. i can visit a chat room on the computer, or surf the net without distractions. Or i can just stay quietly under the covers of my bed. What's not to like?
And yet i find myself carrying around a twinge of guilt as i acknowledge what the other girls in the office are going through because of my absence. And i struggle with the reality that i have allowed the stereotyping of "lazy housewife" to permeate my brain. That i am only valuable if i work outside the home. But i am finding more and more, that i have to admit i just don't like it "out there". Not really. Sure, the money is an incentive. The feeling of doing a job well is pretty neat too. But is it all worth it, when i find myself turning into an exhausted and irritable being who feels like she has absolutely no personal time anymore?
This could get into a whole lot of issues in my head i think. i used to think i should have been a high powered career woman and then i would recognize all my true worth. Which would make me happy. my mother sent my sister off to college however, and guided me down the path of "married and babies". i always resented that, feeling like i had missed out on something. That she had the daughters mixed up, especially when, after only 3 years, my sister dropped out of the career world. Dropped out? It was more like "ran like h*ll". And i thought to myself; "see? i was right. i should have been the one out in the *world*".
So how come, every time i have a chance at it, i do the same thing as my sister? Yes, there are differences in how we handle it. She stays home and literally does the mom-baking-cookies thing. i prefer to get dreamy and read or write or explore the world as much as i financially can. (maybe someday i will be able to afford the gas to actually do it!)
Where am i going here. i haven't a clue now. i guess i am just realizing i have to admit to myself that i really don't like the corporate world after all, and that it's perfectly okay. And i can't imagine not working, because there are some levels of satisfaction to be had while doing so. But i don't have to have the high-profile job in order to be complete. i feel pretty good, and complete, just winning the socks-matching war.
i still have this feeling that there is something in life i am supposed to be doing though. i have had it since i was a teenager.
i just wish i could figure out what it is.
*gone to rest my brain* :)