"Everyone is different.
When you don't mind your difference
it stops being a problem
and becomes your distinction."
-Joan Alden
i was put on the "cross" for the first time. Or rather, Sir guided me over and fastened me to it. It was in a very public environment, a fact that i struggled with. One submissive friend of ours knew what was racing through my mind as the reality of what Sir intended neared. i suppose the look in my wary eyes was all that she needed to see, to know my level of nervousness. She kept smiling and being reassuring, telling me i would be just fine.
i was wearing the corset that Sir gifted me with. i love it and how it makes me feel. Taller, and skinny ... oh so skinny! And ultra, ultra feminine. i had purchased a new pair of thin heeled, strappy shoes and stockings to wear as well. i found myself very often touching the softness of the brocade the corset is made of. This is something i think i have discovered about myself over the past months. That if something is pleasing to me i have a need to touch it. And i am not so afraid to actually do it anymore.
my thoughts drift away from me as i sit here remembering how it felt to have Him tying the laces up the back of the corset. Pulling and tugging gently, and i had looked down to see His rather large hands on either side of my waist and felt so very fragile and tiny. Possessed.
In retrospect, it all seemed to have happened so quickly. He had me by the wrist, guiding me forward, then placing me against the cross and raising my arms to be secured in the cuffs. Often He looked into my eyes. i love the set to His jaw and the "tone" i see in His eyes just before He picks up a toy to use on me. It always succeeds in sending shivers down my body and arousing me. This time i was taking deeper breaths than normal, trying to calm myself and push the knowledge that people were watching, from my mind.
i need not have worried. i don't know if i could have gotten to that "place" where i go to if i had been playing with another Dominant, so easily. i really don't think i would have. i can't imagine anyone touching me but Sir, nor do i want to. But with Him, i slipped almost immediately into what i like to call drifty. Perhaps because the connection is so strong between us. Perhaps because i trust Him so much. But it was so uncanny the way the rest of the people there ceased to exist. It felt quiet and alone and private between Sir and i.
i loved being tied to that cross. i loved the feeling of being so totally helpless. Dependant on Sir for whatever should occur. i loved the feel of His knife against my neck ... it instantly calmed me. And His hand in my hair, holding my head to one side to expose more of my skin. The flogger hitting hard against me. But i think it was the mindset of being tied, and in public, that had the largest effect on me. The feeling of being someone's trinket, or toy, to be used and had for whatever purposes are pleasing to Him. And the feeling of being treasured and caressed and protected. Definitely a mixed message that i found highly enticing and erotic.
He leaned closer and ordered quietly; "come". And i did, wrestling with my dismay at doing this in public and my joy at being allowed release. i remember Him flogging me in such a way as to raise my arousal to a point i would beg and i remember vaguely thinking.. "no i can't ask... not here.. not in public". And trying to hold back.
Then His voice in my ear and i was lost. As i am sure He knew i would be.
... and my mind drifts away, back to the memories. Perhaps i can write more tomorrow.