Our opinion of people
depends less upon what we see in them,
than upon what they make us see
in ourselves
.Sarah Grand
i have given much thought to a comment
made to me.. about the "n.b.i." (negative body image) i had/have of myself and
somewhat pointed reference to my pictures posted in the chat program i frequent. i
questioned myself on why i post them. It became obvious to me that a lot of people
misunderstand the motivation behind these pictures. i jotted down the first
few reactions i felt after i read the comments and they were as follows:
- a way of being noticed without having to talk
- a "too-focused" reaction to getting older
- feeling insecure and unable to "compete"
i think posting the pictures began
as a way of wanting to be noticed. i had been in the chat rooms a very long time
before talking to anyone. i also thought i would never be able to enjoy
"rt" because of being married to a *vanilla*, so posting my pictures was
relatively safe. It also made me feel just the teeniest bit daring, while sitting
here in my safe zone. i was careful however, of making sure the pictures weren't
close-ups, and also hid the parts of my body that i don't like. So when i would
receive a complement on a particular picture, i always had this thought drift through my
mind that it wasn't truly the "real" me they were seeing.
i think i have been too focused on aging.
Instead of enjoying the fact that i am relatively healthy and accepting the truth that it
will happen in spite of what i might want, i have been focused instead on how
"awful" getting wrinkles and growing soft is. And i think i learned a lot of
this from my mother, although i am positive she didn't even realize she was
"teaching" this attitude. i remember her turning 40 and how much she
changed. She became an "old" person, deciding that life was only downhill now.
my father didn't help, with his ideas of not coloring her prematurely gray hair, and etc.
Appearance was everything. i was taught to be dressed neatly and sit carefully while wearing a dress so my panties wouldn't show. i received a slap, one time, because my hair hadn't been groomed properly, while being introduced to my mother's doctor. i was entered into beauty pageants and dancing classes. i was taught every feminine wile and had free access to makeup. And i embraced it all because i knew it pleased them. i learned to enjoy, and even to this day, crave the ritual of "dressing up". i am not trying to place blame. i am understanding however, that i was, as was my mother, a product of the era.
i think i am learning *thank You Sir* that i don't have to compete; that i shouldn't place the value of myself merely on my appearance. If i have only the shell (which disappears with time) then what am i left with? i don't think i will ever lose the part of me that wants to *preen*. i do enjoy the ritual of makeup and hair and dressing pretty, no matter how i learned it. i really don't like the idea of being softer and rounder than i wish to be, but i also recognize that i don't have the motivation (on my own at least) of exercising to change that. i think there is a certain level of *mourning*.. wishing i were younger again, but i also have to admit that being 40(ish) is a bit easier than i thought it would be. i am continually surprised that i haven't fallen apart yet, in spite of the thought somewhere in my mind that life just simply is over when one gets past 40.
So if life is "over" for me now ... how come i am still learning so much? And having so much fun? :)