let us add: "Be thyself"
which is much more difficult to do
because we often are what others want us to be
~~Poem By Natasha Josefowitz,Ph,D.~~
Sometimes i just sit here gazing at the floral background and not being able to formulate my thoughts well enough to actually type them. my mind flits from idea to idea, never staying very long on any particular one, and so i end up not writing at all. Or i have days like this, where i will just start typing whatever floats by. Like now, i am listening to pS playing with her bell and thinking that i will be giving her to my friend T, who has other birds. Why? Because life has kept me away from home much of the time, and i am neglecting her. T has other birds; in fact raises them, so she will be good for pS i think. Sometimes letting go is better than hanging on just for one's own needs.
That last sentence just gave me pause for thought. It is one of those days.
i started a new job this week. The company i was at is undergoing a major downsizing, and i think i mentioned before that i was having to look elsewhere. (Someday i hope to be able to retire!) In my usual way, i was lucky enough to be offered a position in another company without so much as a minute's time of pounding the pavement in search of work. And my mind now takes another turn as i ponder that fact. Even when i don't want to be out there in the real world, it usually finds me and gives me a job!
Anyway, this new place is a bit more upscale than i am used to. As i said to Sir last night, in the past i would not have even considered a position in such an environment. i would have been much too nervous to have applied there, making dozens of excuses such as not being qualified, or it being too far to drive. i was very good at thinking them up. The reality was, i didn't have the confidence in myself that i needed. Now i seem to have found that, and i can only conclude that it has come about from my training with Sir. And i find that very interesting.
When i started my training, the biggest step for me was actually asking for the help i recognized that i needed. But my mind was on the idea that i was asking for help in understanding my submission; where had it *come* from and why was i *like* this? What was this constant pull i felt inside me? my thoughts and emotions were totally directed at the sexual and emotional side of me, of the confusing feelings of submission that i had, and of not fully understanding this part of my nature. Never did it occur to me that it was also an essential aspect of the intellectual side of me, of the daily living of life that i did.
As i began training, i still clung to the romantic notion that it was all about me learning how to serve and tend to a Master's needs. Of being at the beck and call and whim of said Master. i still didn't understand that it was actually about me fulfilling my own personal needs, and having done so, being a more well rounded submissive for a Master to enjoy. Again, the thought creeps into my mind, that learning to fully understand one's submission means taking control of oneself. And once the control is owned, it is ready to be given.
i think this is essentially what Sir has set about to teach me. That i am indeed, very capable of owning my control. And if i own it, then i can find the confidence within myself to go to places such as this new working environment i find myself in. If i own my control, then i can accept with grace the mistakes i will make along the way and know that i can learn from the experience, and go forward.
So, again, i find another benefit from this journey i began months ago. i did not expect to find it within a *normal* part of my daily living. i did not understand just how deeply ingrained my submission was, nor how much benefit i would actually experience from taking those first steps of learning. i can only thank Sir for recognizing and having the faith in me to guide me along.
And now i wonder, as my mind drifts yet again, since i am beginning to recognize how much i have learned, and hope to keep learning, just how much He has also gained along the way?
i like this circle :)