Calendar quote:

"Character is what you know you are, not what others think you are."
--Marva Collins and Civia Tamarkin

     i guess that is sort of like how i know i am submissive.   It isn't because Master has told me i am.  It isn't because i got this idea in my head one day, that i would like to try out this lifestyle.  i just know.  i just am.  And i think that is the hardest of all things to try to explain to someone.  Like a nun who tries to explain why she is a nun; what it is that lives in her soul and drives her need. 

     Being submissive is socially unacceptable.   So far anyway.  Being submissive goes against most feministic principles.   But trying to not be submissive, is impossible for me.  Still, that doesn't mean it is easy.

     i spent the bulk of my years floundering about aimlessly in my personality.  Trying this.  Trying that.  i developed habits.  Some were good ones i suppose; but more were based on survival tactics, because i could not decipher who or what i was.  At the beginning of each new stage, i would be euphorically high, sure that i was on the right track.  But it never lasted and i suffered the angst of being frustrated again.  i always wondered what was wrong with me.  i didn't realize i was trying to live up to expectations from other people, that were not a good fit.

     So there is some residue from previous habits.   i can sense them leaving, but it is a slow process.  Although i am not micro-managed by Master, He does have final say on things.  After years of wearing whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, it can be a bit disconcerting having to ask for permission to wear a bra.  And there are other things, such as asking permission for that second pint of beer.  (Although after the cat-collaring incident, i can understand His trepidation when seeing me near alcohol)  It took some time to grow used to these expectations, but now i find them calming for me.  Instead of the previous "what do You mean i can't?", now i revel in how comfortable i am knowing that i can just be myself. 

     i started out trying to explain how i know i am submissive and i don't feel like i have been successful.  It is truly hard to explain something deep inside oneself. 

     It is a feeling that is bigger than me.            

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