Zera:  First, tell me how you view yourself?

me:  i am truly sorry it took so long to reply to this. Adjusting to a new city and living with someone, and all the activities of trying to nest without totally overwhelming Master, has kept me very occupied. And i have to admit that the questions overwhelmed me a bit as well, as i always have difficulty standing "outside" of myself, and looking in to see who i am now.

i have had to "be" so many different people in the past, in order to survive, that by the time Master came into my life, i was a pretty confused individual. i only knew a few definites about myself. The love of getting spanked and being dominated was   something i was consistent about. i was lucky in the spanking part. No one i had been with was "really" into it, so i escaped the adult aspects of abuse. i wasn’t so lucky in the dominant part, as the few whom i felt submissive to were the "jump and how high" variety. Which i have discovered is not a healthy type of relationship for me. i need reasons for the jumping, not just the drone-like business of obeying. Does that make sense??

me:  i read this sentence to Master and asked Him if He could give me one word about myself that He felt applied to me. His response was "tenacious". i am still puzzling a bit over that word, but also trying to think of how it applies to my personality regarding this lifestyle.

     i hadn't thought of myself that way.. tenacious.. but i suppose i am.  Even though i circled around my personality rather than accepting and indulging in it, i kept going back to the same part of "me" over and over, which was my need to submit to someone "stronger" than me.  And when i examine my past, i can see that no matter how many times i decided to be independent and get the "i can handle anything, who needs a man" attitude, i still floundered and felt like a huge part of me was not being satisfied.  So i kept looking. And looking and looking.  What i didn’t understand was that i had a veneer which i wouldn’t' allow anyone to penetrate.  i didn’t trust because i was taught that people weren't trustable.  And without being able to do that.. i wasn’t able to find or obtain what it was that was eating me up inside.

     i cannot begin to remember the number of times i said "no man can control me"  But an equal number of times i said "i NEED a man to control me."  my girlfriends thought i was loony.  Yet i knew it was exactly how things should be for me.  Every time i was in a relationship where i had total control, or could out-smart the guy.. then i got bored.  And angry.   Angry because i knew i was in a relationship that was wrong; angry because he couldn’t do what i needed.  And angry with myself for not taking the time to do things right.  Then i would start all over again.

     i am strong minded, and that part of me i find scary.  i have an edge.. it would be impossible not to have one.. living life the way i have in the past.  Sometimes it is still useful.  But most times now, i think it is more of a hindrance, because i slip back into old behaviour patterns and that keeps me from moving forward.  But at least now i am more aware of it, and with Master's help, am able to set it aside.

     Now that i am also able to set aside the "should be's", i have become much more content and settled within myself.  It is like a burden has been taken from my shoulders, and i now get to carry on with life exactly as "i" should be.  Maybe i should explain the should be's: "i should be the best mom…i should be a working woman.. i should be able to juggle everything and be the perfect wife and lover and hostess .. i should embrace the feminist movement cause after all this is the 90's!"

     Do you follow here??  All those should be's were killing me inside.  All i wanted to do was answer to a Man who could recognize that just because i liked being taken care of, didn’t mean i was not intelligent.  Or incapable of running a business department comprised of mostly men, in an assertive way.   i was feeling guilty for liking having doors opened for me!

     And on another level; don’t you think that acknowledging and accepting the love of being spanked (or whatever else it is you like) is merely saying "yes i am a sexual and sensual woman and this is what i need and want.  And no it is not perverted and dirty.  It is what is right for me and that's okay."   i believe it is the same for my submissive nature.  It is who i am, what i need and what i want.  And that's okay.  It's okay because first of all, i took the time to find out about myself.  And second of all, it was my own conscious decision to accept "me".  No one else's.

me:  i was very young when i realized these things about myself, and like most people, i didn’t understand or know that there was even a name for it.  Okay.. honest shot.  The first time i remember becoming aroused from a spanking was when my father did it, for some slight my mother felt i had done.  i remember clearly being taken into the bathroom, bent over the edge of the tub, and my pants pulled down.  i was 13. i also vaguely remember my parents later saying it might not be an appropriate punishment for me anymore, because of my age.  Most likely, it finally clued into my mother that i was indeed maturing.  But that’s a whole other topic of conversation we won't get into right now *s*

     There are other memories i have of submissive-like dreams; the usual "being rescued by the prince" sort, and always having a strong man taking care of me.  There are also other realities.  my choice of partners has always been those with strong personalities (except for my second husband; i was in heavy denial of what i needed).  Yet i still didn't trust and upon reflection, i can see where things were doomed from the beginning in these relationships. 

     i have often wondered that if my mother had not been so domineering (i hesitate to say she was a dominant because in the end she became deeply involved in a relationship that although deemed vanilla, had strong D/s overtones) would my life would have turned out different?  But mom "ran the house" so to speak and we all had to answer to her.  And she sent me mixed messages that have taken me years to sort out.  i was told i was only suited for marriage and babies, yet was also told i should be the one to rule the roost.  She taught me how to be the perfect little house wife, then was horrified when i showed any of my true submissiveness.   So i learned to hide that part of my personality, and was miserable.

     i was very young when i started realizing there was something different about my needs.  i remember having fantasies about being tied up.    And i still retain the very clear memory of my hands being tied together by my mother… i have written about it before.. and here is an exert of what i said: "

     They did bring her new sister this time and she was so happy. Her mother let her peek inside the blanket and all she could see was a tiny nose. She was amazed at how small it was and she wanted to hold this sister. Her mother said she could if she sat quietly on the couch and when she did it was so wonderful. She liked having a sister.

     Later, when she had to go to the bathroom, she left the door open so she could hear if the baby started crying. She didn't want to miss anything. She had her hands tucked down between her thighs, where she always rested them. Her older brother went past the room and said "are you touching yourself?" Then he had gone to her mother and said that she was touching her privates. And she hadn't been, not at all!

     But her mother had gotten angry with her and said it was bad and to get a tea towel. Then told her to hold out her hands and she tied her wrists together with the tea towel and made her sit in the corner. Her brother and her cousins thought this was really funny and she wasn't allowed out of the corner until she stopped crying.

     It was hard to stop crying though, because she really had not been touching her privates and it was just not fair."

So, you can see that even though it was a negative experience, it was a very profound one.  i was only about 7 years old at the time.

Zera:  As far as your current relationship, can you just tell me about it? How you feel about it, how you view it?  Is it different in any way from previous relationships and if so how? And how deeply does the BDSM aspect of it go?

     My current relationship is unlike any i have ever had before. i haven't trusted someone this much … ever.  A major difference started right from the beginning.  Master and i did not have intercourse for the first seven months of knowing each other.  We did scene together, and a lot of our time together was very sensual.  But when i first approached Him, it was for help and guidance.  i had finally come to the realization that the submissiveness in me (and the desire for "play") was not going to go away, but i also knew i was doing things all wrong.   i also finally understood that no one could do the work for me.  i had to do it myself.  Master showed me how. 

     It was much like this: He handed me the seed, but i had to plant and harvest it.  The seed was nourished by what i already had inside of me, and so it grew. Along the way however,  Master also discovered things about Himself and we began forming a "circle".  Something that started out on a teacher/student premise, evolved into a Master/submissive relationship instead.   Well, okay.  And i kind of fell hopelessly, deeply in love. J

     D/s is a strong component of how we are together.  Even in the daily aspects of living, there are certain expectations that we have of each other, that we try to adhere to as much as possible.  No, i don't call Him Master in public… but i will use the word Sir much more freely.  So far, no one has seemed to notice, and if they do, they think it is just playfulness. 

     Vanilla sex is enjoyed.. absolutely.. i love crawling under the sheets and enjoying His body.  But i also have to ask to come.. and i have to say thank you afterwards.  i have been punished when i blatantly ignored a request of His.  But i have received more hugs and affection than i can remember ever having in my life.  i have been notoriously emotionally withdrawn, not even able to give my kids the hugs they often needed, and i am coming out of that with Master.

     It hasn’t been all hearts and flowers though.  i have gone through some pretty intense culture shock here. i spent my first 21 years in an abusive environment, then my next 21 years trying to get rid of the influence of that.   And i made a lot of mistakes along the way.  So being here, in an environment where i don’t need all those survival techniques anymore, is a bit disconcerting.   Master and i have bickered, and that makes my heart sad… but each time it seems to stem from old behaviour patterns.  i am just not used to being able to trust someone to do exactly as He says He is going to.  i am getting better though, even if i am a bit slow *g*

     This relationship allows me the chance to finally be "who" janine really is.  i am able to accept that i have the needs and desires of submissiveness, and that i don’t have to be ashamed of that.  Because i have a "contentment of self", i am also able to explore other aspects of my personality, and to grow in different directions.  i think i am very lucky in Master… He makes me so very happy.. and i am glad that my submissiveness suits His Dominance.

     Okay. Time for me to go rest my head *s* i hope this has been some help to you, and if you have more questions by all means, fire away !!!

     please take care,       

... shadoe

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