i survived my first christmas away from the "familiar".  i did feel the urge to write on the 24th and the 25th .. but i decided i was too emotional and would have ended up crying.  i don't know if i made the right decision or not though.  Maybe it would have been better to get things out right away.  Although i have had a chance to digest my feelings and put them into a more comfortable perspective.

     i thought a lot about my mother over the last few days.  In her own way, she really got into the spirit of things at christmas.   Had she still been alive, i think she would have followed me here to spend the day.   Most likely she would have spent her time fussing and fretting over Master because He was very, very sick.  And cooking up a storm in the tiny kitchen, just like she owned the place.  Yet i know she would have asked nicely first.  Deep down, i think my mother was very submissive, in spite of her tough veneer. 

     She always got dressed up on christmas eve.   my parents never went out that night, but still liked the formality of dressing "special".  Dad invariably got drunk in the early years that i remember, but as he aged, that tapered off to social drinking only.  In their later years, my parents would invite people whom they knew would be alone to come visit with them that night.  i always liked that part.  When i left my first husband, and after my first christmas eve spent alone, i started doing the same thing.  How clearly i remember that night, when i shared a bottle of bailey's with my cat.  It was one of the loneliest moments i have ever had.  i vowed "never again" would i repeat that night, and to date i haven't.

     My kids came to visit me on the 23rd.  They borrowed their father's car and came in the early part of the afternoon.  Master was having a meeting here and i had gone for lunch with a lovely new friend, so He pointed them in the direction of the restaurant and they met me there.  After a bit of food and a chance to warm up, we returned back here, and i gave Dom Son His birthday present, which was a gift certificate to a piercing place in town.  (His birthday is dec. 25, and He turned 19, legal drinking age here).  Domme Daughter received a gift of money, plus some extra money that i had wagered if she quite smoking.  Proud mom moment; it's been 3 months and she doesn't intend to start again.  Besides, she has to give back the money if she does *eg*.

     Anyway, we went off to do a bit of shopping and visiting with each other, which i enjoyed very much.  It was a bit weird to have Dom Son proudly displaying His new nipple ring.  The idea of the metal actually going through a nipple made me squirm.  Even His tongue ring i can handle easier.   Domme Daughter purchased a new sweater and then it was time to go back home.

     Master's meeting lasted longer than He expected, and He had to dash off to get His daughter so that she could visit with us as well.   i think He was feeling a bit rushed and overwhelmed at first, but the kids all got along famously and we took them off to a chinese restaurant.  Master's daughter taught my Dom/mes how to use chopsticks and they even ate some of the food, which impressed me greatly.  (They both are picky eaters.  i gave up trying to tempt their palates years ago)  Domme Daughter gagged when she caught sight of the chicken head peaking back at her, but we tactfully covered it up with shrimp chips.  Well, until Dom Son decided to spear it with a chopstick and wave it about. 

     Back home we came, and i managed to talk the kids into breaking the "open gifts at midnight" tradition, by truthfully explaining that i really wasn't crazy about the idea of them driving back home so late at night.   And also that if we moved things up, Master's daughter could enjoy as well.   They considered all of this, then agreed.  We spent the next while opening up the various gifts and then watching Master's daughter dress up in all the left over wrapping paper.   It was truly a lot of fun. 

     Too soon, however, it was time for everyone to leave.  i had some time alone with the kids when Master took His daughter home, and i snuggled up with them and chatted.  Domme daughter said she didn't want to leave, and i felt my heart crunching.  But they had to get the car back. 

     As i stood at the door, watching them wave at me and then pull away from the curb, i felt like i was breaking.  So many thoughts ran through my mind, i barely kept up with them.  The realization that i wouldn't see them on a regular basis anymore.  The idea that each time they did come to visit, they would see me age a bit more, and it would puzzle them, like i used to notice when i visited my own mother.  i was far enough away from her, that visits were often kept to once or twice a year only. 

     i wanted to go out on the street and call them.   Come back.  Don't leave yet.  i'm not ready for you both to be adults.   Christmas without my babies?

     i cried like one that night. 

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