The unreal quality of finally being here lasted for longer than i expected, and didn't really kick in until i had put my son on the bus.   That was hard.  When i climbed back into the van and Master pulled away from the terminal, i choked up.  i didn't talk for fear the tears would let loose.   Sitting quiet helped though, and i got myself together.  Being this far from the kids is a lot more unsettling than i thought it would be.  Thank god for the computer and Dom Son's love of them.  We've been chatting fairly steadily because of it.  Last night He put Domme Daughter on line as well, so a nice "visit" was had by all.  Maybe we can get them set up with a camera at some point, and actually be able to see each other.

     Okay, i know it's only an hour and a half away.   It just seems really far right now. 

     But this is it.  i am really doing the 24/7   D/s thing.  For all my talk and bravado about how i believe it can be done, i suddenly find myself overwhelmed by the idea.  Yes, i know i have always been submissive in nature.  i haven't ever questioned that fact.  Just been extremely grateful that i now have the opportunity to be exactly who and how i am.   But the first few days here i struggled to get my "head" to where i knew it would be most comfortable.  And because i had to struggle, then i panicked, wondering if i had been wrong all along.  i have been so used to being the one who had to micro-manage everyone else, that accepting that this is no longer the case still makes me feel like i don't deserve it.   It's that "good things leave me" syndrome again.   Heh!  i wonder if there is a vaccine against it :) 

     Master has been unbelievably patient with me.   i could sense how He was feeling about my behaviour, yet i also could feel myself spiraling about, losing sight of where i should land.  Fighting the ravages of a cold has not helped.  Last night however, i had a few hours of time to myself and i think that was exactly what i needed to be able to stand back and "look in" to me, for a bit.  In spite of the fact that my throat was sore, i changed into a comfy gown and placed the scene collar about my neck.  From that point forward, it felt like i had come home.  It felt like i had reached a safe zone and i could allow myself to relax and trust and enjoy where i am.  Perhaps i am a ritualistic person, and those rituals permit my soul to calm.  i don't know.  i think Master noticed the change right away, when He came home.  And even though i removed the collar during the night, the calmness has stayed with me. 

     This morning we lay quietly side by side in bed and He had His hand curled around my throat.  Again, that seems to be a ritualistic thing for us, and the effect is the same as the collar.   When we discussed how i had spontaneously put the collar on, i explained that i had felt i needed to wear it, to put my head back in place.  He smiled His agreement.  Later though, i commented further that His hand has the same effect on me, and with just a hint of sassiness said;   "... and works a lot quicker!"

     A good Dom (like Master *s*) never breaks His submissive's spirit.  *smiling sweetly* 

     More of emails from the past.  i don't remember exactly how Master had worded this particular task, but i found it most difficult to do.  i believe the original question was something to the effect of evaluating my good points, or worth, something which is very much a stranger to me.

18/11/98

this might take the better part of the day...i will just jot my ideas down

as they come to me...rather than just sit and try to force them all at

once....

as i said earlier..i don't lie.....so therefore i am "honest" ..and that

truly was the first thing that i thought of about myself

and i like a "challenge"...so that must be positive cause i am not content

with a "rut" or a routine...i like to be given new "problems" or

ideas...and trying to figure them out

thinking again....

i am a "good mother"....i must be...my children love me.....so i guess if i

made so-called parental mistakes..they couldn't have been too bad...my

children have not shunned me

which leads me to... i must be "open-minded"...cause they aren't afraid to

tell me what is happening in their lives..and they know i might tease in

judgement...but wont harshly judge...does that make sense??

i am "generous"...i give to charities...food drives..whatever..even if i

don't have much myself.....i take in strays...human or animal *s*..doesn't

matter which..cause i cant stand to see someone else lacking...all my pets

were strays in fact....

i am "patient"...sometimes....and not others...and i don't mean this as a

negative...i just am aware that i tend to be in a big hurry

occasionally..wanting something yesterday...but that could be a positive

aspect in that if it is important to me i am not afraid to "motivate"

myself to get it done...

..but i am "patient" when a friend needs me....i will take the time to talk

..and listen....and let them vent

.."dependable"....cause they know they can always find me to talk

too???....and if i say i am going to do something..then i do it...

..and "loyal"...example being keeping shell's open even though i haven't a

clue what is happening with her right now..nor received any feedback on

what she wants these days....so am just adhering to her earlier wishes and

maintaining things for her....till she comes back

"intelligent"..i maintained a 94% average at the local college....which

surprised me actually...and did much for my ego...as i barely kept 65% in

high school...but reflecting back...to the homelife..i do understand why now

"optimistic"... i never view the mug as half empty..but rather as half

full...i have driven people crazy with the same comment for years.."where

there is a will...there is a way".....i cant be content accepting "we

cant"..i always say "why not?"

and must be "optimistic"...cause i am dragging a previously very vanilla

hubster into unexplored territories for him....and praying that he can feel

the same things i do...and maybe i will discover that he is submissive

instead of Dom...and if he decides he doesn't like this life..then i am

faced with the reality of potential lifestyle adjustments...

so i must be "brave".....to be willing to take the risk for something i

believe in

..and "trust" just came into my mind...i am not sure on that..i used to say

that i don't trust easily...but then i think of all the times that i

do...and how hurt i get if someone betrays it...but i keep going back for

more...so i must have a "trusting nature" at least

this is hard...time out...tears

okay

i have a sense of "humor"...i love to laugh and often see the humorous

sides of things in situations that some might find is not funny at all...a

light example being how upset all my aunts were..when a relative died...and

when being "shipped" home..they lost the body...i thought it was

hilarious...and i certainly didn't win brownie points *i am grinning

remembering this*

and giggling at myself sitting here in front of a machine drying my eyes...

i am a nice person... i am

and that's okay too

i stumbled for a bit here..feeling almost defensive..like i had to defend

being nice..i don't understand that...

..and i am going to send this through before i change my mind and erase

everything....i don't feel quite like i was finished...but i feel like i

moved up a bit..You know?

janine

18/11/98

i'm back

i avoided my appearance...i kept thinking of it...but i couldn't get the

words to come out..i am going to try

i am pretty

it just took me 10 minutes to convince myself to type those 3 words..and

now i am crying again and i have all these "buts" in my head and negative

things and i am not going to say them i am just going to send this and get

away from the machine for a bit

... back to the beginning