i feel somewhat like the country mouse in the city.

     i am also feeling just a bit overwhelmed by it all.

     Master has been extremely patient with me, and for that i am grateful.  i think He realizes my need to do a bit of nesting.  i think He also recognizes the panicked look in my eyes which even i can feel myself doing.   It is like a warm and safe cocoon here, yet i still have a sense of displacement.   Like i am doing something larger than me, that maybe i am not capable of handling.   Then i get annoyed with myself, straighten my shoulders and think;  "yes you can janine.  you love Him, and this is a good thing."

     This city is just so big!

     He had flowers, and my favourite sticky buns (i am sure these buns have a proper name, but they can be found at the restaurant we go to for dim sum, and have meat in the center) and a warm smile, waiting for me when i arrived on thursday.  i cannot begin to describe how good that made me feel.  It took all of my willpower not to cry.  He wants me  happy here.  Realizing that makes me want to cry again.

     We seem to be doing a subtle dance of adjustments around each other.  How He kept His patience while i wailed on about the phone book and how i disliked it, i shall never know.  i did rather emphatically point out that if the Y2K predictions were all true, and we ended up without heat, that i would be burning that particular item first of all.  i have literally trashed the bedroom with items of clothing strewn everywhere.  i was indulging in some female angst of the "what to wear" syndrome.    Finally He asked;  "do you want Me to decide for you?"  And at my nod, said "wear that".    Problem solved, and i was indeed grateful. 

     i worry that we will lose the D/s of our relationship now that i am here full-time.  i find myself more concious of maintaining some of the small rituals that we have done over the past year.  No matter what the item, i try to hand it to Him with both hands, and remember to ask nicely for things, and stifle the urge to wear pyjamas to bed. :)  i think these habits will become even more deeply ingrained as they are practised daily, rather than only on weekends.  As i sit here pondering all this, i am beginning to think that the rituals will become even more important in supporting this lifestyle we have chosen to live.   They will be a way of never losing sight of the circle, and what our particular version means to us. 

     Which brings me back to another idea that i had.   Master has saved all of the emails sent to Him from me, over the past year.   He showed me the diskette the other day, and while reading i got lost in the memories.  Some of the posts i thought might work here for a few reasons.  One, i wish to share them.  And two, it will remind me, and show me how i have progressed.   And three, maybe explain how i find myself all nestled and cozy in a brand new life :)

     The following is one of the first "tasks" that He had me do:

03/11/98

Here's what I want you to do.....

Find a quiet time and place
Close your eyes
Imagine in perfect detail the corset you would want to wear
Describe it in detail
Describe putting it on
How you feel as it fits on your body
How you feel looking at yourself wearing it
How you want me to feel looking at you
How does that make you feel....

P

04/11/98

i would not want to put it on right away....i would want to hold
it....run my fingers over the satin ... watch the way the light reflects
from the shiny darkness of the material.....touch all the little
hooks....at least 20 of them...perhaps do each one up and count
as i go along ....adjust the laces up the back..pull them
tight...examine it's contours...the length would be full torso...cut
straight across the top...gently rounded where it would settle on
my hips...hold it softly in front of me and stand before a mirror...it
would be the last thing i put on..... because it would make me ....
complete

i would have already showered...makeup...hair.....panties
perhaps...i am undecided on that part.....being shaven is a new
experience i am still adjusting too....it makes me feel
vulnerable...definitely stockings....holding the sheer lightness of
them in my hand and carefully rolling them up each
leg...slowly....savoring the softness against my skin....i never rush
stockings....never wanting to miss the sensual femininity of
them....high heeled shoes....thin heels..adding height and lovely s
curves...

a tiny touch of perfume between my breasts...just a
little...extremely faint...and at the point where my legs meet my
pubic area...just a hint...

i would again pick it up...run my hand down the length of the

lacing....adjust it...retie to perfection....then ...standing in front of

the mirror again..i would bring it up behind my back...positioning it

against my skin...watching my reflection as i do this

wrapping it in front of me..i would begin with the bottom
hook...pulling snuggly...working slowly upwards,,,,inserting each
tiny black hook into its coordinating eye...glancing up into the
mirror every few minutes.....

feeling my back straighten as i reach higher hooks...feeling my
tummy forced inwards.....feeling the material encase my skin..my
body....like a glove....molding me.....feeling the pressure of the
'boning'..as it presses against my ribs...up to my breasts....feeling
the material against the sensitive of my nipples as my breasts are
forced upward...tugging each gently to position them closer and
higher and doing up the last few hooks....

then just standing quietly....very still...for a few
moments....watching my reflection again as i adjust to
breathing....the snugness....the flush of my face....the warm,
languid flow of sensuality....the rise of confidence of feeling good
about myself....the arousal of feeling so womanly, of knowing why i
have put it on....

looking into the reflection of the mirror again..into my
eyes....seeing Yours....feeling the slow panic in my belly mixed
with arousal ...every nerve screaming to be touched...and my eyes
saying all this to Yours...wanting You to desire me...to be aroused
by all the feminine efforts put forth for You...wanting You to feel the
submission being given to You...wanting You to see in my eyes
that wearing it is symbolic..a confidence booster....to help me
express what my soul wants to do..what my eyes say ..and hoping
that You feel that You want it

and now i think i am learning something.....rereading my
words...trying to express..wishing that i could write easier....but i
think i am realizing...it isnt my body..it is my mind..that i am
hoping You see...yes...physical is important to me..i put too much
emphasis...but as i was writing...i was bound ..and i was looking in
a mirror...and i kept looking past my body...and into Your
eyes....and suddenly that all seemed more important....and You
havent been focusing on my body...You have been speaking to
"me"...really listening to me....and i keep coming back for more...

and how does that make me feel?? scared nervous anxious
fascinated sad insecure

yes...i still want to be physically attractive for You...see desire in
Your eyes.....

but i think i want You to feel my "inside" ..as You are looking at
me...and i want You to feel..understand...that i trust You....
and blend the two together.....

... back to the beginning