i think my largest fear about collaring is that things are going so well, i am afraid to risk having anything go wrong. i have two failed marriages. The first time, after 6 months of dating the man who eventually became the father of my children, my father asked him what his intentions were toward me. He was subtly informed about what my father's expectations were. After the conversation ended, he came to my house, and during a hastily prepared dinner, told me of what dad had said, then asked me to marry him. i said yes, as i already knew this was what my parents wanted. i cried walking down the aisle on my wedding day. Not from tears of joy, although i genuinely cared for this man, but rather because i knew in my heart i wasn't ready. i felt like i had been bartered. i felt that he had to be pushed into marrying me; that i didn't merit being asked just on my own worth. He spent many years frustrated by my inability to love him back the way he loved me.

     The second marriage, i did the asking. This man is a good-natured and caring person, whom i knew would be good with and for my children. i cared very much about him, and i knew the path i was following was spiralling downhill very quickly. i needed a lifeline, and he was willing be that. i also had decided that i was only getting older and i should be settling down, and since offers weren't coming in, that i needed to take matters into my own hands. i think this time i was mostly responsible for making myself feel unworthy. i had the idea that i wasn't good enough for those men on the "right side" of the tracks, and here was a good natured east-side boy who didn't mind if i didn't measure up. Crazy thoughts i was having then. But i was caught in the depths of drugs and drinking and hanging with the "bad boys".

     Yet our natures ultimately didn't match, no matter how hard we both tried. The day of the wedding, people were taking bets on whether i would even show. Others were amazed that i had talked him into the marriage. Which underlined my unworthiness, in my mind. i had to ask, instead of *being asked*. Both times, the men had to be prodded. my thought was that neither spontaneously wanted me.

    Because of my work during the past year, i am learning that i am indeed a very worthy person. Occasionally i still slide back a bit, but i am acquiring the skills to pull myself forward again. And Master is there with a watchful eye on my progress. Yet, the idea of "asking" for a collar has felt much like having to once again barter myself. Just like in my past. i have been spending time examining that fact and sorting out how best to deal with it. And i think i have the answers. My mistake was i was wallowing in negativity. i won't let myself do that anymore.

... back to the beginning