"You can never love another person
unless you are equally involved
in the beautiful but difficult work
of learning to love yourself."
-John O'Donohue
i love having His hand wrapped around my throat. i lie quietly on my back, He on His side, and He curls His hand around my neck. Or in public, like a type of greeting when first He sees me, and i raise my eyes to His as i feel the connecting of our skin. Alpha He calls it. Owned, possessed, treasured ...dominated ... is how i feel.
On a recent visit He commented on how very much i must trust Him. We had woken up during the night, and He had reached for me, pulling me over to rest on top of Him. As our bodies had blended, He took up His knife and began running it against my skin. Over my back and shoulders and up against my neck, pressing softly. Neither of us could see very well, only feel. During other such moments, i can get to this mind space by merely closing my eyes. This time He shared the darkness with me and i reveled in it.
i have never given this level of trust to another person. Not since i was a very small child and discovered in a rather nasty way that even those whom are closest to one, can do the most damage. i still find it unsettling if i think about it too hard. my childhood burns a huge hole in my heart most times. And to a certain extent, i still allow it to affect my decisions today. That is something i am working hard at trying to rectify.
So trusting Sir and learning what it really means to give someone my control, willingly, can be very overwhelming. Sometimes i feel like i am taking a chance with my sanity.
*******
it is much later and my mind is back on this trust issue. It has gone past the physical, although i used the knife as an example. i wonder how it came to be that i had the almost instantaneous connection with Sir, that allowed me to even begin trying to trust on this level again. Perhaps a chord that was struck in both our personalities? Or maybe it was because He was ready to teach, and i was (although nervous) ready to learn? Or maybe it was just a situation where my "what is meant to be, will happen ... " really does apply.
And now as i sit allowing my mind to wander i am pondering another concept. In order to trust Him, to trust Him with everything that is in my mind and my body, all my intimate thoughts and emotions and physical responses, don't i have to trust myself? i have never given away my "control" to someone else. i have always held a small part of me carefully aside. The proverbial chip on the shoulder. "You can't hurt me 'cause You don't have all of me" sort of thing. In fact, i used to boast about it. "There isn't a man alive who can control ME" i would insist, and even puff out my chest and tighten my jaw to prove it.
In the saddest of ways, i think i am realizing now that i was absolutely right. i wanted to give someone that control, but couldn't because i didn't have it myself. i didn't trust myself, and i didn't have control of myself either. A quick note jotted down several weeks ago emphasizes this i think. i asked myself: "why didn't i write my most private thoughts?" Then under that i replied:
--> i was afraid of me
*****
i guess if i trust myself and have control ... hmmm ... and "like" me, then trusting and giving control to Sir becomes possible. And allows me the freedom of overcoming the fear of doing so. As in my comment about taking a chance with my sanity. If i am comfortable with who i am, then it isn't really a "chance" at all.
i have this image in my mind of how it all would look. Like a dance of personalities, where i have my "control" finely tuned and in shape, dancing softly with His ability and desire to care for it. i swirl within the enveloping warmth of His own control and He swirls about mine, protecting. Both sharing. All in a soft circle.
Male/female, Dominant/submissive. Equal.