Life is so confusing right now.
There are highs and then there are lows. A major part of the low is mom. She has progressed to not always remembering when i call her; i can hear the confusion in her voice as it trembles weakly. Her companion has decided to honour her request of not going to hospital at all, which i am questioning the wisdom of, having gone through this once before with my father. Harsh as it may sound, i have no intention of standing by during the final hour.
Mom had gathered all the siblings together for my father, who also wished to remain at home. She had been warned by the doctor what it would be like, but she hadnt shared that information with us. It was all quite devastating as the impact of losing a parent one has mixed emotions about, combined with the reality of how the disease overcame the body, washed over me. i was holding him in my arms when it happened. i dont think i have ever before felt that level of horror and devastation. i also dont remember feeling so "out of body" as i did at that moment, when i tended to washing his face and closing his eyes. i felt as cold and dry as he was ... and i struggled to retain my composure. i could feel the anger building within me as the realization of how my mother had yet again "used" me ... used us all ... sunk in. i had not been offered the choice in whether or not i wanted to deal with what was happening. i had not been told exactly what she knew was going to happen. Days later she apologized after i had finally worked up the nerve to tentatively say; "mom, you should have warned me, so i could make a choice". But i felt guilt as i said it. i put her pain above mine, as i always have. my practical side knows that it is not entirely her fault that i havent learned to overcome my guilt. But i realize now that i was taught by them both to feel this guilt. And it is yet again trying to grip me as the reality of her death draws closer.
i was originally told she would be
in hospital, and i held onto the security of that knowledge, knowing that there would be
nurses to deal with the baser side of what will happen. Now, yet again, i feel like
i am being blind-sided by my mother's personality, and my saying no to being by her side
until the end, is difficult. But i think this time i have to hold onto what i feel;
i cant give into the senseless and irrational guilt. i cling to the idea that i
remain behind to deal with life. Does she really have the right to choose how it
will be impacted? Where does one draw the line between loving a parent, but
remaining an adult?
And yet, despite the anger i often feel about
the past, i love her. She is my mother. It's just that, right now, i am
feeling hollow, and i dont understand why.
How sad that i could never completely trust my
parents.